Bring On the Ice Cream

Okay, so I know there's some pretty weird stuff I've been blogging about lately, related to narcolepsy and not. But this latest suspicion of mine really takes the (GF and soy-free) cake.

So we all grew up knowing two things about ice cream: it's delicious, and it's bad for you. I mean, frozen cream with massive amounts of sugar in it seems to be, according to common sense, bad for you, right? I mean, it's basically sugary fat. Can you get more unhealthy, really? Or so I thought...

For four years or so I was quite underweight, thanks to Xyrem and a complete lack of interest in cooking (a killer when you're on a special diet). My lowest weight was 92 lbs, and though I am a small person, I was around 20 lbs too light. I could feel it. My bones were sticking out and I was cold all the time because I had no fat whatsoever. I felt physically weak. I had a hard time finding small enough bras for awhile, and I was wearing size 0 jeans (which were a little loose). Many people say they'd kill for that, but I felt horrible. I felt so unhealthy. I had no energy, which, when you already have narcolepsy to contend with, basically made life impossible. I felt like one of those skeletons that show up all the time in my dreams, crumpled up on the couch.

Finally I had a falling out with my neurologist because I was sick of being a stick figure, and the Xyrem had mostly stopped getting me sleep anyway. So I stopped taking it and slowly started to recover the weight I needed. I immediately felt better, learned how to cook (what a difference an appetite makes), and started eating a ton of really healthy, homemade food every day. I'm sure the story would have been different if I'd started eating junk food or even GF frozen dinners like I had before, but on all the veggies I gained weight back slowly and flesh started showing up in areas where it was needed. A year later, you couldn't see my hip bones anymore and I actually had curves again. Soon after, I leveled out at around 107 lbs and felt so much healthier and stronger. Even so, I felt cold a lot of the time and like I needed a little bit more meat on my bones. I mean, winter in Iowa really kind of requires extra padding.

Around that time I started noticing how often I was craving cheese. I've always really liked cheese, but I had started putting it on everything. My fiance didn't mind; he loves cheese too, the more the better. Since our diet contains mostly vegetables, fruit and occasionally fish or chicken, I kind of figured I was craving dairy since it's got a lot of protein in it. I didn't worry too much about it and kept piling on the cheese. And then I started craving cheese and ice cream. I hadn't had ice cream in over a year; I tend to avoid sugar products because once you stop eating them, small amounts make you anxious and kind of crazy. But this craving was pretty over the top. So I got a little carton of Haagen-Dazs to see how it went. I like that brand because it's pure ice cream, none of this modified-food-starch-whatever-chemicals nonsense, and you can tell because it tastes insanely good, like real food. Plus a lot of the flavors are gluten-free, and actually gluten-free- no contamination at all. The same goes for soy. Some flavors have it, but only where necessary, and as long as I read to label I haven't had a problem.

So I thought, okay, it's just for a treat this week. But the craving kept up, and suddenly I was gaining weight again. I went from 107 to 113 in a week and the only difference was the ice cream. Alarmed, I stopped buying it. I've heard it's easy to get overweight if you have narcolepsy, so I'm wary. After a week without any in the freezer, I dropped back down to 107, and realized I was suddenly cold all the time again. Okay... was my body telling me that ice cream is good for it? That it needed ice cream to round out my healthy diet? o.O To have enough body heat?

So this turns my idea of health food upside own. I find myself thinking, maybe it isn't that some foods are always bad or always good for you. Maybe being healthy is about paying attention to what your particular body needs, watching how you feel. Maybe it isn't all so clear-cut. The rest of life isn't, so why would food be? Our bodies are amazing, beautifully constructed, and complex. Maybe you can't just rely on other people's advice, even that of the experts. Maybe you have to listen. The more I listen to my body, the more interesting things I discover.

I don't know what's weirder- my body legitimately needing ice cream to maintain the proper weight or the irony of something cold ultimately making me warmer. Now I keep some in the freezer all the time and pay attention to my intuition. If my body says it wants ice cream, I eat some and feel better. If I feel I don't need it then I avoid it. Now that the weather is slowly warming up I've been needing it less. I don't have to think it through. I just have to pay attention.