I don't think I've written a whole lot about Remeron (my anti-depressant) on here. The thing goes somewhat unappreciated, maybe because there isn't anything to complain about. It doesn't give me any side effects so I mostly stopped noticing it was there. Or, maybe, my memory is simply bad enough that I've forgotten I'm on any meds anymore. But every time I manage to run out of it, I realize just how much help it is.
A neurologist several years ago put me on it because I was both depressed (had been for years) and needed extra help getting to sleep (as you all understand). I tried the generic first and it worked awesome. I felt like a new person. I was suddenly able to have hope for the future again and became usefully optimistic. I figured out how to smile. But then the side effects started- my muscles started to hurt. At first I thought I'd just pulled something, until I noticed it was happening to a bunch of muscles and would rotate around and change which ones it affected for no apparent reason. I tried staying on it but by the end of a month I was in constant pain. I felt so good otherwise that my doctor put me on the brand name instead and, just like we were hoping, it worked- no muscle pain, but all the good effects were still there.
When I got off of Xyrem a year ago, I stayed on Remeron, and I was glad I did. I didn't know how glad until the first time I ran out. I switched from the mail order system to picking it up from pharmacies because we kept moving, and with my memory you can imagine what would happen literally every month. I would get down to five tablets and start thinking I should refill it. I'd remember every night since I take it before bed, but forget by the morning. I wouldn't write myself a note until I was down to two, then finally make it to a pharmacy in the middle of nowhere, where they would have the generic or nothing at all and have to order it, and this would always happen to fall on a Friday somehow, so then I would have to wait until Monday and not take it for one or two nights.
The first time this happened, I was expecting to feel depressed. Instead, sleeping just got ten times harder. My dreams got more persistent, intense and disturbing. I did notice a drop in my mood but I was more concerned about the lack of sleep. On a good day I'm petty discombobulated, but without Remeron I get even more out of it and confused.
You would think, with such a big difference, I would learn after the first few times, but no. I keep running out. I think I've remembered twice out of the last ten or so times. I finally (now that we're settled again) switched it back to mail order, three months at a time, so it will no longer be up to my extremely efficient brain. But not in time to avoid it happening again this past weekend, of course. The first night I didn't have any, I just stayed up. My husband and I drank lots of caffeine, ate tons of cookies (Uqi's chocolate chip!!) and watched Stargate Atlantis. Between that and playing cards we managed to stay awake until around 2AM. My ploy sort of worked that night. I got up around 8 or 9 as usual so that I mostly skipped the dreaming phase that gets so much worse without Remeron.
I was feeling pretty smug (though more sleep deprived than usual) when I went to pick up my Remeron yesterday, until they told me that it hadn't come in and they couldn't get it until today. Feeling exasperated with myself for getting in this situation to begin with, I didn't try anything fancy last night, just got in bed and really wished that I hadn't.
I was looking at star charts like in Stargate SG-1 (which we started rewatching yesterday) when somebody came in with some fried chicken in a plastic bag and told me I was supposed to deliver it to this Buddhist monk. Apparently she lived at the top of this really steep hill even though we were supposedly in my extremely flat hometown. Actually it was more like a small mountain, with these crazy round boulders making it up. So I'm really hungry, climbing this weird mountain, sort of light-headed and trying to determine if a) the chicken is gluten-free and b) if it's okay to eat somebody else's lunch. I poke at the chicken and it seems GF so I try a piece. It's not tasty but it isn't poisonous either, so I keep eating it. I get up to this temple on this mountain and deliver the chicken and this monk lady is asking me all these really philosophical questions about stuff. I'm mostly just confused but sort of happy because the stuff she's talking about is interesting, but in the course of that I forget to deliver the chicken and just keep eating it. Then she sends me on my way and I'm wandering around my aunt's house seeing everything she's recently remodeled. Then a bunch of my cousins are there and we're taking my great aunt to see a newly flooded area of the city. It was clearly a highway before, but now the ocean is there, and a couple of highway bridges are acting like piers. We walk out on them, talking, and I'm telling them the whole city is going to be flooded soon.
So, this dream's not too bad, you're probably thinking. Well, then I feel pain in my mouth on the inside of my bottom lip. I get all annoyed thinking it's probably just something I accidentally bit as I was eating all the GF fried chicken. It's bleeding a lot and the blood tastes metallic like blood does. I start trying to find somewhere to spit it out because it tastes disgusting. It starts welling up more and more and gets all over my hands as I try to hold it inside my mouth. I find a dirty sink in an art class and spit the blood out into it, but it keeps coming and the texture turns really globby and clotted. The texture disgusts me even more and I just keep spitting it out, hoping it will stop. It tastes horrible and I feel nauseous.
It slows down a little, thankfully, but it tastes worse and worse, almost like rotting. In the sink, blood is mixed with old acrylic paint that many students have washed off of brushes. It makes a horrible, bloodstained rainbow.
Needless to say, I got up right away and went for the caffeine. I'm never under-appreciating my antidepressant again (until, you know, I forget about this whole thing in the next five minutes).
Showing posts with label hallucination. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hallucination. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Friday, February 4, 2011
Memorable Hallucinations Caused By Narcolepsy
I recently typed up a couple of my more interesting hallucinations in sort-of story format and figured it would be helpful to post them here. I remember doing a flurry of internet research before I was diagnosed, trying to find out if what I was experiencing could be termed "hallucinations", and literally all I could find were schizophrenia-related ones. Because of the lack of information on hallucinations (or, rather, anything) caused by Narcolepsy, I began to be worried I might have schizophrenia. More proof that self-diagnosis via the internet is a bad idea sometimes. XD
So, here are a couple of mine, in the hopes that the next generation of people looking for this information might actually find something useful.
----------------------
I am in between, floating, when it happens.
It takes me completely off guard when it does. After all, all I was doing was lying perfectly still, waiting- letting my thoughts wander, watching faint images. The beginning of a dream had begun to form; something light-hearted about looking up at the sun from underwater, and a ghostly flying horse. Though my dream was beginning all on its own, I was still very involved in the process of trying to let go of my awareness. Prying my consciousness away from its moorings. This took a lot of effort for me and I had no inkling that this strange in-between state was unnatural.
I was focused on being completely relaxed and still. Calm--
Suddenly, from behind my head a hand shoots out, the fingers clamping down over my mouth, stifling my scream before it can begin. Pure terror and adrenaline shoot through me, putting me into instant panic. I struggle with everything I've got, desperate to escape. But the hand is extremely solid, strong and real; it doesn't so much as twitch or tighten, almost as if it was made of rock.
It is in that instant that I realize that every muscle in my body is frozen. I am struggling as hard as I can and nothing is moving. I'm helpless. I try harder, desperation growing--
My eyes open on my dark bedroom. Thoroughly freaked out, I jump up into a sitting position and whirl to face the wall. There is no one there. No hand. And there is not enough space for a whole human being to fit. I'm shaking as I reach for my lamp. I am alone after all.
------------------------
In the dream, I'm eating brownies. The bites are chewy and sweet and I can feel them sticking to my teeth and gums. They're so chocolatey and delicious that I can't stop eating them, even though my teeth begin to hurt. As I chew one piece, I encounter something hard all of a sudden. I pull it out of my mouth to see what it is. My hands are sticky and covered in chocolate.
As I examine my find, I realize it is a tooth. I feel my teeth with my tongue and sure enough, there is a space where it was. In real life this would have freaked me out, but in my dream I think it's cool. I can feel the space and my tongue is exploring the crevices of it. The feeling is fascinating.
Experimentally, I begin pushing on other teeth with my tongue, and several more come loose, still attached only by a vein each. I push them and play with them with my tongue, feeling the craggy surface of the bottom of each tooth. I push too hard and the veins begin to break, loosing the teeth into my mouth. I feel pain at the moment each breaks. Suddenly I remember that these are my adult teeth and no more will grow in. I begin to panic, wondering how much damage I've done, as my mouth feels literally filled with loose teeth. Moving my mouth causes a grating sound inside my head from all the loose teeth rubbing against each other.
My mouth hurts badly now and tastes of blood. I run over to a round mirror on the wall and open my mouth. A handful of teeth fall out and rattle as they land in the sink. The sink, my mouth and my hands are thick with blood, and it runs down my face.
And then I am awake, looking at the ceiling of my bedroom, with a lingering pain and the remembrance of the taste of blood in my mouth. The first thing I do is reach up to feel my teeth with my hand. All of them are still there. I go look in the mirror right away, just to make sure.
So, here are a couple of mine, in the hopes that the next generation of people looking for this information might actually find something useful.
----------------------
I am in between, floating, when it happens.
It takes me completely off guard when it does. After all, all I was doing was lying perfectly still, waiting- letting my thoughts wander, watching faint images. The beginning of a dream had begun to form; something light-hearted about looking up at the sun from underwater, and a ghostly flying horse. Though my dream was beginning all on its own, I was still very involved in the process of trying to let go of my awareness. Prying my consciousness away from its moorings. This took a lot of effort for me and I had no inkling that this strange in-between state was unnatural.
I was focused on being completely relaxed and still. Calm--
Suddenly, from behind my head a hand shoots out, the fingers clamping down over my mouth, stifling my scream before it can begin. Pure terror and adrenaline shoot through me, putting me into instant panic. I struggle with everything I've got, desperate to escape. But the hand is extremely solid, strong and real; it doesn't so much as twitch or tighten, almost as if it was made of rock.
It is in that instant that I realize that every muscle in my body is frozen. I am struggling as hard as I can and nothing is moving. I'm helpless. I try harder, desperation growing--
My eyes open on my dark bedroom. Thoroughly freaked out, I jump up into a sitting position and whirl to face the wall. There is no one there. No hand. And there is not enough space for a whole human being to fit. I'm shaking as I reach for my lamp. I am alone after all.
------------------------
In the dream, I'm eating brownies. The bites are chewy and sweet and I can feel them sticking to my teeth and gums. They're so chocolatey and delicious that I can't stop eating them, even though my teeth begin to hurt. As I chew one piece, I encounter something hard all of a sudden. I pull it out of my mouth to see what it is. My hands are sticky and covered in chocolate.
As I examine my find, I realize it is a tooth. I feel my teeth with my tongue and sure enough, there is a space where it was. In real life this would have freaked me out, but in my dream I think it's cool. I can feel the space and my tongue is exploring the crevices of it. The feeling is fascinating.
Experimentally, I begin pushing on other teeth with my tongue, and several more come loose, still attached only by a vein each. I push them and play with them with my tongue, feeling the craggy surface of the bottom of each tooth. I push too hard and the veins begin to break, loosing the teeth into my mouth. I feel pain at the moment each breaks. Suddenly I remember that these are my adult teeth and no more will grow in. I begin to panic, wondering how much damage I've done, as my mouth feels literally filled with loose teeth. Moving my mouth causes a grating sound inside my head from all the loose teeth rubbing against each other.
My mouth hurts badly now and tastes of blood. I run over to a round mirror on the wall and open my mouth. A handful of teeth fall out and rattle as they land in the sink. The sink, my mouth and my hands are thick with blood, and it runs down my face.
And then I am awake, looking at the ceiling of my bedroom, with a lingering pain and the remembrance of the taste of blood in my mouth. The first thing I do is reach up to feel my teeth with my hand. All of them are still there. I go look in the mirror right away, just to make sure.
Friday, January 14, 2011
My Narcolepsy Themed Art
Or, "Wolfies and Demons". :D
I got a comment from a fellow artist requesting that I post some art, and as I have been halfway planning to do this for some time, I figure, why not now? A lot of my art is quite relevant to this blog, as I'm constantly drawing things about my dreams and daily experiences with Narcolepsy, and those are the pieces I'm posting here. I find expressing the insanity and frustrations of my illness is a great way to cope. Also, the more humorously I express my feelings, the better I come to feel about the entire thing.
One thing that you have to know before you look at my art is that I'm an anthro or "furry" artist. That means I draw very character-driven art, and that my characters are half-human, half-animals. Furry art is pretty different from the mainstream, so I feel I have to explain it a little. Most furry artists have a "fursona," or furry character that represents themselves, and I am no exception. I almost always draw myself as a wolf person or werewolf (hence my blog pseudonym, "Wolfie"). My art is also quite cartoony, as per furry tradition, though not always as I also have quite a bit of classical training.
Also, you will see the signature along the bottom of each piece is blocked out. This is purely protective of my identity as I always put my real name there after scanning in my work. However, I want this blog to remain anonymous and separate from my other online identities for privacy reasons.
So, without further ado!
About the meds:
These two are both about Xyrem, and feeling like a nutcase for being on something so strong. I'm glad that these don't apply anymore, since I'm happy for now with just the Remeron.
About the Demon:
In addition to having a little wolf character who represents me, I also have a frightening demonic character who represents Narcolepsy itself. I heard a song once that had the line "like demons playing movies in my head" or something similar, and though I still can't find the song again, it made a big impression on me. I think that line is the best description I've found of what I experience when my brain throws dream/nightmare/hallucinations at me. And so, this is the demon who plays movies in my head.
Here's one of my more humorous drawings, of the demon kicking me in the butt. XD
In addition to frightening nightmares, I also have some pretty sweet vivid dreams that I like, so in this cg painting I was trying to express the interplay between the good dreams and bad. The white wolf-creature is a personification of the good things about my dreams, and is battling the nightmare-demon.
I've also been making dreamcatchers for a very long time (early attempts at preventative measures, lol), and this one I made with the above painting in mind:
The inner circle is about good dreams, and includes perfect weaving, pretty little trinkets (including a bell to represent sound), and shiny white ribbon. The outer circle is about nightmares, with uneven weaving and black leather, also interwoven with strange little objects. The hanging part incorporates both dirty bones and pristine white fluffy feathers, to show the intertwining of beautiful and disturbing that regularly shows up in my dreams.
Images From Actual Dreams I've Had:
I saw this dreamcatcher hanging in a room (well, my bedroom, actually) that was dripping with pipes covered in moss. When I woke up I jotted down the design, then actually made it to the best of my ability.
I dream about human skeletons a lot, which is unfortunate because I have a silly phobia of them. I don't know if the phobia of skeleton images came before or after dreaming about stumbling across them in my dreams, but weirdly, they seem to be everywhere in my dreamscapes. Whatever it means, I was excited to take an anatomy class a year or two ago and learn how to draw them so that I could a) attempt to overcome my fear and b) actually record some images from dreams that included them.
This piece is a combination of all the hallucinations I could remember having in high school in my old bedroom. It's actually a pretty clear pen drawing, but I like this blurry photograph of it more- it makes it more disturbing. :D And thus gives it more the feel that I wanted.
I also have some really cool beautiful dreams, from which single images have stood out so much that I've felt inspired.
The Baku:
And lastly, I recently discovered this awesome Japanese folklore creature that eats nightmares. I painted him on a piece of wood because I thought he was really cool, and, let's face it, I need all the help I can get, right? XD
The verse is from a song ("Darkness, Darkness" by Solas) and reads:
Darkness, darkness, be my pillow
Take my hand and let me sleep
In the coolness of your shadow
In the silence of your deep
And so, there you are. I have other pieces, but I figure this is long enough as it is. I'm sure there will be more later.
I got a comment from a fellow artist requesting that I post some art, and as I have been halfway planning to do this for some time, I figure, why not now? A lot of my art is quite relevant to this blog, as I'm constantly drawing things about my dreams and daily experiences with Narcolepsy, and those are the pieces I'm posting here. I find expressing the insanity and frustrations of my illness is a great way to cope. Also, the more humorously I express my feelings, the better I come to feel about the entire thing.
One thing that you have to know before you look at my art is that I'm an anthro or "furry" artist. That means I draw very character-driven art, and that my characters are half-human, half-animals. Furry art is pretty different from the mainstream, so I feel I have to explain it a little. Most furry artists have a "fursona," or furry character that represents themselves, and I am no exception. I almost always draw myself as a wolf person or werewolf (hence my blog pseudonym, "Wolfie"). My art is also quite cartoony, as per furry tradition, though not always as I also have quite a bit of classical training.
Also, you will see the signature along the bottom of each piece is blocked out. This is purely protective of my identity as I always put my real name there after scanning in my work. However, I want this blog to remain anonymous and separate from my other online identities for privacy reasons.
So, without further ado!
About the meds:
These two are both about Xyrem, and feeling like a nutcase for being on something so strong. I'm glad that these don't apply anymore, since I'm happy for now with just the Remeron.
About the Demon:
In addition to having a little wolf character who represents me, I also have a frightening demonic character who represents Narcolepsy itself. I heard a song once that had the line "like demons playing movies in my head" or something similar, and though I still can't find the song again, it made a big impression on me. I think that line is the best description I've found of what I experience when my brain throws dream/nightmare/hallucinations at me. And so, this is the demon who plays movies in my head.
Here's one of my more humorous drawings, of the demon kicking me in the butt. XD
In addition to frightening nightmares, I also have some pretty sweet vivid dreams that I like, so in this cg painting I was trying to express the interplay between the good dreams and bad. The white wolf-creature is a personification of the good things about my dreams, and is battling the nightmare-demon.
I've also been making dreamcatchers for a very long time (early attempts at preventative measures, lol), and this one I made with the above painting in mind:
The inner circle is about good dreams, and includes perfect weaving, pretty little trinkets (including a bell to represent sound), and shiny white ribbon. The outer circle is about nightmares, with uneven weaving and black leather, also interwoven with strange little objects. The hanging part incorporates both dirty bones and pristine white fluffy feathers, to show the intertwining of beautiful and disturbing that regularly shows up in my dreams.
Images From Actual Dreams I've Had:
I saw this dreamcatcher hanging in a room (well, my bedroom, actually) that was dripping with pipes covered in moss. When I woke up I jotted down the design, then actually made it to the best of my ability.
I dream about human skeletons a lot, which is unfortunate because I have a silly phobia of them. I don't know if the phobia of skeleton images came before or after dreaming about stumbling across them in my dreams, but weirdly, they seem to be everywhere in my dreamscapes. Whatever it means, I was excited to take an anatomy class a year or two ago and learn how to draw them so that I could a) attempt to overcome my fear and b) actually record some images from dreams that included them.
This piece is a combination of all the hallucinations I could remember having in high school in my old bedroom. It's actually a pretty clear pen drawing, but I like this blurry photograph of it more- it makes it more disturbing. :D And thus gives it more the feel that I wanted.
I also have some really cool beautiful dreams, from which single images have stood out so much that I've felt inspired.
The Baku:
And lastly, I recently discovered this awesome Japanese folklore creature that eats nightmares. I painted him on a piece of wood because I thought he was really cool, and, let's face it, I need all the help I can get, right? XD
The verse is from a song ("Darkness, Darkness" by Solas) and reads:
Darkness, darkness, be my pillow
Take my hand and let me sleep
In the coolness of your shadow
In the silence of your deep
And so, there you are. I have other pieces, but I figure this is long enough as it is. I'm sure there will be more later.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Corpse Ghost New Apartment Foster Family
It's been awhile since the last time I didn't have some sort of vivid dream interrupting my sleep, but last night was crazy.
The first one was a nightmare. I'm pretty sure I've mentioned before now that dead bodies, especially rotting ones, seriously freak me out- it's like some bizarre phobia I have. In this dream I was still living with my parents, indefinitely, with no hope of moving out, which was an awful feeling I had for the year and a half after college. That feeling made the dream that much worse. So my parents had just moved into a different new house and I had come with them. It was a bit of an improvement- there was more space for me and my room had better lighting. Everything was kind of weird though. The walls were all painted red and had East Asian style details- including a really cool dragon statue attached to the wall between two rooms. The layout was very confusing and didn't make sense, so I kept getting lost even though it was a small house. In the middle of it there was a tiny courtyard with a young tree and a small patch of grass where my dachshund could do his business. At first I really like it out there- a small enclosed bit of the outdoors where I could be outside without being in public. I started spending more and more time out there and thinking this house really wasn't so bad. That's when the visions started- it felt exactly how it does when I'm hallucinating while asleep (which I'm sure I was), only inside the dream it would happen when I was awake and I would have to stop and wait for it to finish before I could see anything again. The flashes of images would come as I entered the courtyard. I started to get really scared because I realized a ghost was sending me memories and I suspected there was a body buried in the courtyard. The patch of grassy area was exactly the right size, and my dog liked to sniff it a lot- it was hard to get him to leave. This totally freaked me out because of my phobia. I started to avoid the courtyard and take my dog to a park instead. This worked for awhile until he started to dig tunnels. I would turn my back for a second and he would disappear underground and it would take yelling to get him to come back out. It's kind of hilarious because the tunnels were perfectly round, as if made by a giant worm, even though it was a dog supposedly digging them. Meanwhile, as the visions started getting stronger, my fears were confirmed- the ghost wanted me to dig up the body so that its murderer could be found, and I kept telling it that I couldn't because I was terrified. It started to get angrier and angrier and my terror got overpowering. I was afraid to let the dog go anywhere near the courtyard now that he was digging so much. It was getting harder to come up with excuses to my parents and they started to wonder what was going on. The dream ended with me trying to get ready to leave to go somewhere with my parents while having a vision showing me the rotting bones while I kept having to run outside and grab my dog because he had somehow escaped out there and was digging. I started to panic and that woke me up.
In the next dream I had, my girlfriend and I had just reached our new apartment with all of our stuff- in the dream we didn't have dogs- and were figuring out where to put our furniture. Our apartment had one room and was a really strange layout- there was a fireplace and chimney in the middle, and so many cabinets on the walls it was hard to figure out where to put furniture. We were really happy to be there and enjoying figuring it out though. I looked out the window at the view- it was really high up over a city at night- and it was amazing so I walked over to the sliding glass doors to see how the porch was. It was a tiny porch with really flimsy-looking railing. I made the mistake of looking down over it to discover we were about 100 floors up. I got serious vertigo and a stab of fear. That's what woke me up.
The last dream was interesting- I was a teenage boy (lol) who was meeting his foster parents for the first time. They were a really nice couple with a very strange house and really cool furniture. The man was big and gangly and bald, and really sweet. His wife was short and incredibly smart and had flowing reddish-brown hair. They were very welcoming and my thoughts (as the kid) were that this really might not be so bad. The house was really weird- there were windows (without glass) in the inside walls, including my bedroom, so even if I locked the door I didn't really have privacy- but neither did anybody else. The bathrooms were both really bizarre; one of them had a giant marble tub raised up in it, with a toilet literally hidden underneath a lid next to it. The other bathroom had two toilets and two sinks randomly without stalls or anything- just in the middle of the room. The main room of the house had random stairs everywhere and was a crazy shape- the walls were at weird angles and were varying sizes. The place was filled with ornately carved furniture from all over the world. I spent awhile admiring everything. There was a glass case full of shiny little statues and a mobile made of origami cranes, several really old-looking round tables, and tons of chairs (no two were the same). I ate dinner with my new parents and several of their relatives and then went to bed watching the tv in my bedroom. That's when I woke up. What a night.
The first one was a nightmare. I'm pretty sure I've mentioned before now that dead bodies, especially rotting ones, seriously freak me out- it's like some bizarre phobia I have. In this dream I was still living with my parents, indefinitely, with no hope of moving out, which was an awful feeling I had for the year and a half after college. That feeling made the dream that much worse. So my parents had just moved into a different new house and I had come with them. It was a bit of an improvement- there was more space for me and my room had better lighting. Everything was kind of weird though. The walls were all painted red and had East Asian style details- including a really cool dragon statue attached to the wall between two rooms. The layout was very confusing and didn't make sense, so I kept getting lost even though it was a small house. In the middle of it there was a tiny courtyard with a young tree and a small patch of grass where my dachshund could do his business. At first I really like it out there- a small enclosed bit of the outdoors where I could be outside without being in public. I started spending more and more time out there and thinking this house really wasn't so bad. That's when the visions started- it felt exactly how it does when I'm hallucinating while asleep (which I'm sure I was), only inside the dream it would happen when I was awake and I would have to stop and wait for it to finish before I could see anything again. The flashes of images would come as I entered the courtyard. I started to get really scared because I realized a ghost was sending me memories and I suspected there was a body buried in the courtyard. The patch of grassy area was exactly the right size, and my dog liked to sniff it a lot- it was hard to get him to leave. This totally freaked me out because of my phobia. I started to avoid the courtyard and take my dog to a park instead. This worked for awhile until he started to dig tunnels. I would turn my back for a second and he would disappear underground and it would take yelling to get him to come back out. It's kind of hilarious because the tunnels were perfectly round, as if made by a giant worm, even though it was a dog supposedly digging them. Meanwhile, as the visions started getting stronger, my fears were confirmed- the ghost wanted me to dig up the body so that its murderer could be found, and I kept telling it that I couldn't because I was terrified. It started to get angrier and angrier and my terror got overpowering. I was afraid to let the dog go anywhere near the courtyard now that he was digging so much. It was getting harder to come up with excuses to my parents and they started to wonder what was going on. The dream ended with me trying to get ready to leave to go somewhere with my parents while having a vision showing me the rotting bones while I kept having to run outside and grab my dog because he had somehow escaped out there and was digging. I started to panic and that woke me up.
In the next dream I had, my girlfriend and I had just reached our new apartment with all of our stuff- in the dream we didn't have dogs- and were figuring out where to put our furniture. Our apartment had one room and was a really strange layout- there was a fireplace and chimney in the middle, and so many cabinets on the walls it was hard to figure out where to put furniture. We were really happy to be there and enjoying figuring it out though. I looked out the window at the view- it was really high up over a city at night- and it was amazing so I walked over to the sliding glass doors to see how the porch was. It was a tiny porch with really flimsy-looking railing. I made the mistake of looking down over it to discover we were about 100 floors up. I got serious vertigo and a stab of fear. That's what woke me up.
The last dream was interesting- I was a teenage boy (lol) who was meeting his foster parents for the first time. They were a really nice couple with a very strange house and really cool furniture. The man was big and gangly and bald, and really sweet. His wife was short and incredibly smart and had flowing reddish-brown hair. They were very welcoming and my thoughts (as the kid) were that this really might not be so bad. The house was really weird- there were windows (without glass) in the inside walls, including my bedroom, so even if I locked the door I didn't really have privacy- but neither did anybody else. The bathrooms were both really bizarre; one of them had a giant marble tub raised up in it, with a toilet literally hidden underneath a lid next to it. The other bathroom had two toilets and two sinks randomly without stalls or anything- just in the middle of the room. The main room of the house had random stairs everywhere and was a crazy shape- the walls were at weird angles and were varying sizes. The place was filled with ornately carved furniture from all over the world. I spent awhile admiring everything. There was a glass case full of shiny little statues and a mobile made of origami cranes, several really old-looking round tables, and tons of chairs (no two were the same). I ate dinner with my new parents and several of their relatives and then went to bed watching the tv in my bedroom. That's when I woke up. What a night.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Soapy Arm Neon Barn Night Picnic
I've intentionally slept in for a couple of days in a row now. On Monday this worked really well and I felt great- way more refreshed than if I'd gotten up when I normally do. I think I needed the extra sleep after having a busy day on Sunday, plus recovering from being sick last week. So I figured I'd try it again today. Well, it didn't exactly go as I was hoping. I basically just ended up dreaming like crazy.
In one dream, I was in my grandparents' house using their bathtub (only it was the one that was there when I was little- they've since remodeled). I had hurt my arm- I couldn't move it and it hurt, so I'm assuming I had broken it- riding my bicycle the wrong direction down a busy street. As I recalled this, the dream took me there, and I dreamed about dodging cars and looking for someone I was supposed to be following, for some reason into oncoming traffic. Suddenly I jerked back into the bathtub, where I was sitting in extremely soapy water while fully clothed, trying to clean my broken arm for some reason. It was really slimy soap and I could feel it soaked through my jeans. I dipped my arm into it and slipped- I fell forward suddenly and got a face-full of soap. I shut my eyes but it went in my nose and mouth and I couldn't breathe for a minute. I sat up carefully and tried to rinse off my face, but I was using my really soapy hands so I just made it worse instead. Then I fell forward again. I don't remember anything else from that one. I could literally feel the sliminess and wetness of the soapy water, though.
Another dream had me visiting various cousins who I haven't seen in awhile. One of them was living in this gigantic house with a crazy barn in the yard. The barn was like a house by itself- completely finished on the inside and painted in totally crazy neon colors. The rooms/stalls were huge and my cousin was telling me that she was planning on raising massive numbers of cats in them. There wasn't any furniture and so everything we said echoed loudly. I don't remember much more about that dream except that I was telling another cousin about some memories that I had, only they were actually dreams I've had before- some of them years ago. In the dream I was convinced they had been real. In a way it was cool because there were several I hadn't thought about in years.
In my last dream I was driving around with my girlfriend through a dark wooded area on a little road at night. We were on a date and had brought a picnic and were looking for someplace to set it up. We kept passing other couples sitting in all of the good spots, some of them up in trees. Eventually we ended up at a house that was on the side of the road- it looked like it belonged in a suburb, not the middle of the woods, and it had a floodlight that lit it and the driveway with a stark yellowish light. She wanted to go up and knock to see if we could have our picnic on the owner's land, but I was worried and didn't want to. She knocked and no one was there, so instead we found a patch of moonlight down the road and ate our picnic in the car.
In one dream, I was in my grandparents' house using their bathtub (only it was the one that was there when I was little- they've since remodeled). I had hurt my arm- I couldn't move it and it hurt, so I'm assuming I had broken it- riding my bicycle the wrong direction down a busy street. As I recalled this, the dream took me there, and I dreamed about dodging cars and looking for someone I was supposed to be following, for some reason into oncoming traffic. Suddenly I jerked back into the bathtub, where I was sitting in extremely soapy water while fully clothed, trying to clean my broken arm for some reason. It was really slimy soap and I could feel it soaked through my jeans. I dipped my arm into it and slipped- I fell forward suddenly and got a face-full of soap. I shut my eyes but it went in my nose and mouth and I couldn't breathe for a minute. I sat up carefully and tried to rinse off my face, but I was using my really soapy hands so I just made it worse instead. Then I fell forward again. I don't remember anything else from that one. I could literally feel the sliminess and wetness of the soapy water, though.
Another dream had me visiting various cousins who I haven't seen in awhile. One of them was living in this gigantic house with a crazy barn in the yard. The barn was like a house by itself- completely finished on the inside and painted in totally crazy neon colors. The rooms/stalls were huge and my cousin was telling me that she was planning on raising massive numbers of cats in them. There wasn't any furniture and so everything we said echoed loudly. I don't remember much more about that dream except that I was telling another cousin about some memories that I had, only they were actually dreams I've had before- some of them years ago. In the dream I was convinced they had been real. In a way it was cool because there were several I hadn't thought about in years.
In my last dream I was driving around with my girlfriend through a dark wooded area on a little road at night. We were on a date and had brought a picnic and were looking for someplace to set it up. We kept passing other couples sitting in all of the good spots, some of them up in trees. Eventually we ended up at a house that was on the side of the road- it looked like it belonged in a suburb, not the middle of the woods, and it had a floodlight that lit it and the driveway with a stark yellowish light. She wanted to go up and knock to see if we could have our picnic on the owner's land, but I was worried and didn't want to. She knocked and no one was there, so instead we found a patch of moonlight down the road and ate our picnic in the car.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Six-Armed Demon Movie
I had a freaky nightmare a couple nights ago, complete with hallucination. I had completely forgotten to turn the lamp next to my bed on. Well, I won't be forgetting that again any time soon, at least.
The dream was about me accidentally seeing an ad for a horror film and then freaking myself out over it. I was at my grandparents' house, and it was late at night. I was watching tv because someone else had turned it on and I couldn't figure out how to turn it off. I needed to be asleep and I was exhausted. I was also totally alone in the house and kept hearing the occasional creepy noise in another room, so I was already kind of freaked out before the ad came on. It was for this new movie that was about a demon. He looked like a little boy with pointy ears and teeth and he had six arms that ended in long sharp nails. He could scuttle across the walls and melt in and out of them. It seriously creeped me out to the point where I kept imagining him being right behind me, which happens in real life if I get too creeped out by something on tv or in a movie. Only in the dream it was more real- and half the time he was actually there for a second before suddenly disappearing. Then, in real life, my alarm went off and I opened my eyes, to see an image of the boy demon's face inches above mine. I jumped because it scared me and the image dissolved and blew away, exactly how it would if it had been made out of sand and the wind came. It was so bizarre it took me a minute to realize I had been hallucinating. I sat up and turned on lights and clung to my girlfriend for a minute and it was awhile before I dared to go back to sleep.
The dream was about me accidentally seeing an ad for a horror film and then freaking myself out over it. I was at my grandparents' house, and it was late at night. I was watching tv because someone else had turned it on and I couldn't figure out how to turn it off. I needed to be asleep and I was exhausted. I was also totally alone in the house and kept hearing the occasional creepy noise in another room, so I was already kind of freaked out before the ad came on. It was for this new movie that was about a demon. He looked like a little boy with pointy ears and teeth and he had six arms that ended in long sharp nails. He could scuttle across the walls and melt in and out of them. It seriously creeped me out to the point where I kept imagining him being right behind me, which happens in real life if I get too creeped out by something on tv or in a movie. Only in the dream it was more real- and half the time he was actually there for a second before suddenly disappearing. Then, in real life, my alarm went off and I opened my eyes, to see an image of the boy demon's face inches above mine. I jumped because it scared me and the image dissolved and blew away, exactly how it would if it had been made out of sand and the wind came. It was so bizarre it took me a minute to realize I had been hallucinating. I sat up and turned on lights and clung to my girlfriend for a minute and it was awhile before I dared to go back to sleep.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Really Weird Night
Wow, last night was bizarre. And I'm still feeling it. o.O
The first two doses went just fine. I slept deeply with no dreams. At the end of the second dose I overslept my alarm by like half an hour, which has happened without anything weird before. But last night I had an interesting hallucination.
I woke up in my dark room and looked around. There was a ladder leaning up against my bookshelf, which made perfect sense to me at the time- I remembered needing to change a lightbulb yesterday and leaving it in my room so I could hang a couple of pictures up today. Then, suddenly, a bag of really tall golf clubs fell on me. It was startling because I hadn't seen them at all until they were falling towards me, and they were very long. When they fell against my arm they were really cold and smooth and it hurt a little. I sat up and leaned them back up against the ladder, suddenly remembering that they had been in the closet with it and that's why I had to bring them into my room, too. I decided to get up and go to the bathroom before going back to sleep.
When I stood up my door was open, and there was a cold white light coming in from the skylight over the entryway. I looked up at it as I came out of my room and started freaking out because it was snowing. I was really excited and ran to the front door to look out.
I was having trouble keeping my eyes open, but I could see there was a thin blanket of really fine snow over the grass. I was very impressed. I watched the small flakes fall for a few minutes until I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore.
As I walked into the bathroom I suddenly knew that I was in a hallucination. Then I felt hands grabbing my arms and hands and I couldn't move. I fought the paralysis until it went away and I could sit up and turn my lamp on. I was suddenly back in my room, with no ladder (I didn't actually do anything with a ladder yesterday) or golf clubs (my parents have never had anything even vaguely resembling golf clubs, haha). I went to the bathroom without passing any skylights and it certainly wasn't snowing- it snows lightly here maybe once every couple of years, and certainly not in October. I was pretty creeped out by the dark corners, but I figured leaving my light on would help me sleep the rest of the morning.
Unfortunately I was wrong. I took my last dose and read a book until I figured it was safe to go back to sleep, only to get plunged right back into serious REMland. I had dream after vivid dream, and every time I woke up I fought paralysis. I went through three different half-dream, half-hallucinations that way. In the dreams I had all of my senses so it felt almost like real life. I would wake up to find my eyelids closing again of their own accord despite my light being on, and then in an instant I was back to dreaming. At least one dream was Harry Potter related (not surprising as I'm rereading those), and in another one I was on a football team (which is hilarious because I'm the biggest wimp ever). I woke up late and got up to avoid going right back under again, and I'm still fighting my eyelids after being up for half an hour. I'm thinking I need caffeine this morning.
I figure it might be food related. I did try a couple new things yesterday. Hmmm.
The first two doses went just fine. I slept deeply with no dreams. At the end of the second dose I overslept my alarm by like half an hour, which has happened without anything weird before. But last night I had an interesting hallucination.
I woke up in my dark room and looked around. There was a ladder leaning up against my bookshelf, which made perfect sense to me at the time- I remembered needing to change a lightbulb yesterday and leaving it in my room so I could hang a couple of pictures up today. Then, suddenly, a bag of really tall golf clubs fell on me. It was startling because I hadn't seen them at all until they were falling towards me, and they were very long. When they fell against my arm they were really cold and smooth and it hurt a little. I sat up and leaned them back up against the ladder, suddenly remembering that they had been in the closet with it and that's why I had to bring them into my room, too. I decided to get up and go to the bathroom before going back to sleep.
When I stood up my door was open, and there was a cold white light coming in from the skylight over the entryway. I looked up at it as I came out of my room and started freaking out because it was snowing. I was really excited and ran to the front door to look out.
I was having trouble keeping my eyes open, but I could see there was a thin blanket of really fine snow over the grass. I was very impressed. I watched the small flakes fall for a few minutes until I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore.
As I walked into the bathroom I suddenly knew that I was in a hallucination. Then I felt hands grabbing my arms and hands and I couldn't move. I fought the paralysis until it went away and I could sit up and turn my lamp on. I was suddenly back in my room, with no ladder (I didn't actually do anything with a ladder yesterday) or golf clubs (my parents have never had anything even vaguely resembling golf clubs, haha). I went to the bathroom without passing any skylights and it certainly wasn't snowing- it snows lightly here maybe once every couple of years, and certainly not in October. I was pretty creeped out by the dark corners, but I figured leaving my light on would help me sleep the rest of the morning.
Unfortunately I was wrong. I took my last dose and read a book until I figured it was safe to go back to sleep, only to get plunged right back into serious REMland. I had dream after vivid dream, and every time I woke up I fought paralysis. I went through three different half-dream, half-hallucinations that way. In the dreams I had all of my senses so it felt almost like real life. I would wake up to find my eyelids closing again of their own accord despite my light being on, and then in an instant I was back to dreaming. At least one dream was Harry Potter related (not surprising as I'm rereading those), and in another one I was on a football team (which is hilarious because I'm the biggest wimp ever). I woke up late and got up to avoid going right back under again, and I'm still fighting my eyelids after being up for half an hour. I'm thinking I need caffeine this morning.
I figure it might be food related. I did try a couple new things yesterday. Hmmm.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Crazy Night
Last night was intense. Wow. I remember several dreams pretty clearly, but I don't remember what order they came in and I'm pretty sure there was other stuff in between them.
In one dream I was playing a video game that was set up kind of like a Choose Your Own Adventure. My character was a soldier who was going through this big camp of tents looking for evidence of a crime. There was this whole mystery going on with missing people. I had to click on stuff to search it in these really messy rooms where I figured the culprit was hiding evidence. At one point I was in this bedroom and I kept finding bodies. There was a dead woman under laundry in a laundry basket, wrapped in a thin sheet with blood on it. It was really creepy and I had to remind myself it was just a video game I was playing. After searching that room I went to talk to the suspects to see if I could figure out what was really going on. It turned out to be at a teen summer camp, and I was having trouble figuring out who to even suspect. At that point I was actually at the camp as myself and it wasn't a video game anymore. Eventually I started to realize that it was the small group of people I had befriended that was responsible for the crimes.
In another dream I was on a boat sailing down a wide river- I think it must have been a cruise or something, because I was supposed to be there just enjoying the ride. There were a lot of other people on the boat too, but they were kind of annoying so I ended up staying by myself in my room a lot. It looked a lot like my real, current bedroom, and it even had the same carpet and looked like it should be in a house, not a boat, which I thought was kind of weird at the time.
Soon it got dark and it was time to go to bed, but I was having trouble going to sleep. I started hearing people talking, and seeing people walking around my room. I realized the boat was haunted. I started to get pretty scared as one ghost came over and started yelling at me. He was this heavy-set teenage boy who had another ghost that was somehow attached to him, only I couldn't see any details on her- she was just a silhouetted shadow, which was really creepy. The boy ghost was mad at me because he could read my mind and tell that I didn't believe in ghosts. He started shaking me and I was so afraid I couldn't move at all to get away. I kept trying to wake up because in my dream I figured I had fallen asleep and was hallucinating and needed to move so that I would stop seeing things. More ghosts came and had body parts falling off of them, or they were so thin they looked like skeletons. They were everywhere and I started to wonder if they were actually real. I tried to scream but nothing came out, even though my mouth gaped unnaturally wide. And then suddenly I jerked awake, heart pounding. I was back in my real room. I'm still not sure if I was hallucinating in my real room or inside my dream, because when I woke up I wasn't flat on my back and during the hallucination the room looked different, but on the other hand I really felt like I couldn't move and was fighting to wake up.
As you might imagine, I left my light on after that. I wanted to read a little to make sure that the dream didn't start again, but holding my eyelids open was a losing battle. At that point I was back on the boat, but this time it was all happy and colorful and I was looking at the dock we were headed for. Several of my characters were there with me, and instead of a boat it morphed into this really cool old house. It was kind of Victorian in its historical-looking wallpaper and furniture and so forth. It turned into me and one of my characters exploring and looking at all the furniture and shiny things. I don't remember much of that dream except that it was really fun.
Despite all the elaborate dreaming, I slept late and feel more refreshed than usual this morning. It might have to do with how exhausting yesterday was. I did a lot of socializing and even worked on my homework a little. I'm going to try to take it easy today.
In one dream I was playing a video game that was set up kind of like a Choose Your Own Adventure. My character was a soldier who was going through this big camp of tents looking for evidence of a crime. There was this whole mystery going on with missing people. I had to click on stuff to search it in these really messy rooms where I figured the culprit was hiding evidence. At one point I was in this bedroom and I kept finding bodies. There was a dead woman under laundry in a laundry basket, wrapped in a thin sheet with blood on it. It was really creepy and I had to remind myself it was just a video game I was playing. After searching that room I went to talk to the suspects to see if I could figure out what was really going on. It turned out to be at a teen summer camp, and I was having trouble figuring out who to even suspect. At that point I was actually at the camp as myself and it wasn't a video game anymore. Eventually I started to realize that it was the small group of people I had befriended that was responsible for the crimes.
In another dream I was on a boat sailing down a wide river- I think it must have been a cruise or something, because I was supposed to be there just enjoying the ride. There were a lot of other people on the boat too, but they were kind of annoying so I ended up staying by myself in my room a lot. It looked a lot like my real, current bedroom, and it even had the same carpet and looked like it should be in a house, not a boat, which I thought was kind of weird at the time.
Soon it got dark and it was time to go to bed, but I was having trouble going to sleep. I started hearing people talking, and seeing people walking around my room. I realized the boat was haunted. I started to get pretty scared as one ghost came over and started yelling at me. He was this heavy-set teenage boy who had another ghost that was somehow attached to him, only I couldn't see any details on her- she was just a silhouetted shadow, which was really creepy. The boy ghost was mad at me because he could read my mind and tell that I didn't believe in ghosts. He started shaking me and I was so afraid I couldn't move at all to get away. I kept trying to wake up because in my dream I figured I had fallen asleep and was hallucinating and needed to move so that I would stop seeing things. More ghosts came and had body parts falling off of them, or they were so thin they looked like skeletons. They were everywhere and I started to wonder if they were actually real. I tried to scream but nothing came out, even though my mouth gaped unnaturally wide. And then suddenly I jerked awake, heart pounding. I was back in my real room. I'm still not sure if I was hallucinating in my real room or inside my dream, because when I woke up I wasn't flat on my back and during the hallucination the room looked different, but on the other hand I really felt like I couldn't move and was fighting to wake up.
As you might imagine, I left my light on after that. I wanted to read a little to make sure that the dream didn't start again, but holding my eyelids open was a losing battle. At that point I was back on the boat, but this time it was all happy and colorful and I was looking at the dock we were headed for. Several of my characters were there with me, and instead of a boat it morphed into this really cool old house. It was kind of Victorian in its historical-looking wallpaper and furniture and so forth. It turned into me and one of my characters exploring and looking at all the furniture and shiny things. I don't remember much of that dream except that it was really fun.
Despite all the elaborate dreaming, I slept late and feel more refreshed than usual this morning. It might have to do with how exhausting yesterday was. I did a lot of socializing and even worked on my homework a little. I'm going to try to take it easy today.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Wake-Up Call
This morning I woke up really groggy and medicated, and my phone was vibrating on my nightstand so I reached over and picked it up, almost knocking multiple things over, and put it up to my ear. "Hello?" I said, worried about being coherent enough to respond if anyone answered.
Then I suddenly jerked awake, flat on my back. My phone was still on the nightstand. I realized I had just had another random hallucination, and that my alarm was going off. I took my next dose of medication and went back to sleep, kind of amused by the whole thing. And then when I really did wake up to my really-vibrating-this-time phone I didn't answer it because I figured I wasn't awake enough yet, but the fact that my hallucination actually managed to predict the future wasn't lost on me.
I'm definitely feeling the lowered dose at this point. I slept better than usual last night but today was really hard to get through. Part of the problem was that I overworked myself trying to get my Friday homework done, then continued to work past the point when I could tell I really needed to take a nap. And then when I did go upstairs with my trusty Nap Assistant, my dad managed to call me at the worst possible time and woke me up with all sorts of complicated insurance and CAT scan related information. I was too exhausted to get annoyed, which was good because he basically told me I have to cancel my appointment tomorrow and reschedule it with one of two completely separate places. I told him I would just do it later, which he accepted as soon as he realized that he had woken me up. I did get my nap after that, but was still really exhausted and out-of-it when it came time to leave for my night class. I basically just did my best to get through it, drove home to The Lion King soundtrack really loud and then treadmilled my dog instead of walking him again.
I'm actually really glad that my dad thought to go find out about the cost of my CAT scan because it turns out that we would have had to pay over $700 at the hospital where I had my appointment for tomorrow, and my dad found someplace where we ultimately get charged about $500 less. It's even more disturbing when you realize that the hospital actually charges a total of over $2000 if you include what our insurance company has to pay, whereas this non-hospital-affiliated imaging place charges 15 times less for the exact same procedure. It sounds like some twisted evil plot in a conspiracy theory movie, and yet this is our actual healthcare system. Welcome to the United States of America, where we like to make lots of great money by cheating sick people! My medication costs my insurance over $2000 a month, so you really don't want to get me started on this issue.
I'm just hoping I can get my homework done by Friday because it isn't looking promising at this point. I can't afford to overwork myself again tomorrow- I'm staving off another sinus infection and doing too much this week is going to screw me. Surviving class on Thursday and Friday will also be a challenge if today is any indication.
Then I suddenly jerked awake, flat on my back. My phone was still on the nightstand. I realized I had just had another random hallucination, and that my alarm was going off. I took my next dose of medication and went back to sleep, kind of amused by the whole thing. And then when I really did wake up to my really-vibrating-this-time phone I didn't answer it because I figured I wasn't awake enough yet, but the fact that my hallucination actually managed to predict the future wasn't lost on me.
I'm definitely feeling the lowered dose at this point. I slept better than usual last night but today was really hard to get through. Part of the problem was that I overworked myself trying to get my Friday homework done, then continued to work past the point when I could tell I really needed to take a nap. And then when I did go upstairs with my trusty Nap Assistant, my dad managed to call me at the worst possible time and woke me up with all sorts of complicated insurance and CAT scan related information. I was too exhausted to get annoyed, which was good because he basically told me I have to cancel my appointment tomorrow and reschedule it with one of two completely separate places. I told him I would just do it later, which he accepted as soon as he realized that he had woken me up. I did get my nap after that, but was still really exhausted and out-of-it when it came time to leave for my night class. I basically just did my best to get through it, drove home to The Lion King soundtrack really loud and then treadmilled my dog instead of walking him again.
I'm actually really glad that my dad thought to go find out about the cost of my CAT scan because it turns out that we would have had to pay over $700 at the hospital where I had my appointment for tomorrow, and my dad found someplace where we ultimately get charged about $500 less. It's even more disturbing when you realize that the hospital actually charges a total of over $2000 if you include what our insurance company has to pay, whereas this non-hospital-affiliated imaging place charges 15 times less for the exact same procedure. It sounds like some twisted evil plot in a conspiracy theory movie, and yet this is our actual healthcare system. Welcome to the United States of America, where we like to make lots of great money by cheating sick people! My medication costs my insurance over $2000 a month, so you really don't want to get me started on this issue.
I'm just hoping I can get my homework done by Friday because it isn't looking promising at this point. I can't afford to overwork myself again tomorrow- I'm staving off another sinus infection and doing too much this week is going to screw me. Surviving class on Thursday and Friday will also be a challenge if today is any indication.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Murder, I Wrote
Last night I had a pretty scary experience. I had one of my now-rare nightmares, and of course thought it was all real and that I really was inside a murder mystery.
My mom has been into murder mysteries forever. She's always reading mystery novels, and watches shows like Psych, Monk, Matlock, Diagnosis Murder, etc. And one of her favorites is Murder, She Wrote. I used to watch it with her growing up, and we've both seen almost every single episode. What I like about it (and, actually, the other shows I listed) is that it's very light-hearted in a way. So it isn't stressful to watch, and it's fun to try and predict what's going to happen since a lot of times the episodes have a pattern. Like how the main character always has some friend who you know is going to get framed, or the fact that any time there's a red-haired woman you know she did it. And every episode ends with what my dad fondly calls the "ha-ha!", in which everything turns out okay and the last line is supposed to be funny.
Normally I enjoy Murder, She Wrote. But last night it wasn't so fun.
It started with me and my aunt staying in a room at this large, vacant mansion. There was (of course) a really loud thunderstorm outside, and it was getting late and therefore pitch black outside except for a couple of porch lights. We were supposed to be there alone, so no one else should be on the property. Our room had a tv on one wall and a sliding glass door without curtains or blinds that opened onto a wooden porch outside, which was illuminated by a porch light. We were watching tv, and I keep seeing movement out on the porch out of the corner of my eye. I looked out and kept seeing shadowy people sneaking past the door and going around the house. I told my aunt and she was totally not concerned and tried to explain it away.
It was strange because I was definitely in the episode, but somehow also knew all about the usual episode pattern- so I could try to predict what would happen. I realized that the shadow people were possible suspects and that a murder was going to take place that night, and we would probably find a body the next morning, and that I would have to remember all the details in order to report them to the police. At that point I was mainly worried about how I was going to remember everything.
We woke up the next morning, and, expecting there to have been a murder I led us in a search of the house. But no one had died apparently, so I decided it would most likely happen during the day as most episodes have the murder close to the beginning. I decided to keep my eyes open so I could have a chance of seeing clues and being able to figure out who did it.
All day, we kept meeting other characters in the episode, the details of which I tried really hard to keep straight, but it was very confusing and I couldn't keep track of who was important and who wasn't. No one died though, and I began to wonder- I mean, a murder mystery with no murder doesn't make any sense. Someone was going to die at some point, and I couldn't for the life of me figure out who it would be.
Later on I decided to explore the expansive grounds. I was looking around in the gardens and trees when it started to get dark and I realized I was lost. Finally I spotted the house, far away. I started hurrying toward it, seriously worried about the fact that this is exactly the time for someone to die. Then I realized I was surrounded. And suddenly I was hit by the terrifying realization that it was me- not one of those other people- who was going to be murdered. The fact that I was going to die in the next few minutes hit me so hard with terror that my eyes jerked open, and I found myself on my back in bed, paralyzed and surrounded by dark shapes of people who I was sure were going to kill me. I tried to move and realized the truth, and slowly and with relief I gained back my ability to jerk my head sideways and fully wake up.
I was very nauseated, very groggy, my eyes kept trying to shut and it took all of my focus to keep myself awake enough to not be immediately plunged back into the nightmare, which was hovering just on the inside of my mind's eye, waiting to suck me back in. I fought sleep with all I had until I was able to reach over and turn on my lamp.
Thank god for bedside lamps. I can't count the number of times that lamp has saved my ass. I sat up and fought more successfully to wake up. It was 45 minutes until time for my next dose of Xyrem, but I knew that without it I would just fall right back into the dream, and I was way too tired to stay awake for 45 minutes. So I went to the bathroom, trying not to imagine people jumping out at me to grab me and trying to shake the lingering fear of imminent death. When I got back I took my next dose early, and fell sound asleep until the morning.
When I woke up I was impressed with how Narcolepsy can make anything, even something as silly as Murder, She Wrote, completely terrifying. Go figure.
My mom has been into murder mysteries forever. She's always reading mystery novels, and watches shows like Psych, Monk, Matlock, Diagnosis Murder, etc. And one of her favorites is Murder, She Wrote. I used to watch it with her growing up, and we've both seen almost every single episode. What I like about it (and, actually, the other shows I listed) is that it's very light-hearted in a way. So it isn't stressful to watch, and it's fun to try and predict what's going to happen since a lot of times the episodes have a pattern. Like how the main character always has some friend who you know is going to get framed, or the fact that any time there's a red-haired woman you know she did it. And every episode ends with what my dad fondly calls the "ha-ha!", in which everything turns out okay and the last line is supposed to be funny.
Normally I enjoy Murder, She Wrote. But last night it wasn't so fun.
It started with me and my aunt staying in a room at this large, vacant mansion. There was (of course) a really loud thunderstorm outside, and it was getting late and therefore pitch black outside except for a couple of porch lights. We were supposed to be there alone, so no one else should be on the property. Our room had a tv on one wall and a sliding glass door without curtains or blinds that opened onto a wooden porch outside, which was illuminated by a porch light. We were watching tv, and I keep seeing movement out on the porch out of the corner of my eye. I looked out and kept seeing shadowy people sneaking past the door and going around the house. I told my aunt and she was totally not concerned and tried to explain it away.
It was strange because I was definitely in the episode, but somehow also knew all about the usual episode pattern- so I could try to predict what would happen. I realized that the shadow people were possible suspects and that a murder was going to take place that night, and we would probably find a body the next morning, and that I would have to remember all the details in order to report them to the police. At that point I was mainly worried about how I was going to remember everything.
We woke up the next morning, and, expecting there to have been a murder I led us in a search of the house. But no one had died apparently, so I decided it would most likely happen during the day as most episodes have the murder close to the beginning. I decided to keep my eyes open so I could have a chance of seeing clues and being able to figure out who did it.
All day, we kept meeting other characters in the episode, the details of which I tried really hard to keep straight, but it was very confusing and I couldn't keep track of who was important and who wasn't. No one died though, and I began to wonder- I mean, a murder mystery with no murder doesn't make any sense. Someone was going to die at some point, and I couldn't for the life of me figure out who it would be.
Later on I decided to explore the expansive grounds. I was looking around in the gardens and trees when it started to get dark and I realized I was lost. Finally I spotted the house, far away. I started hurrying toward it, seriously worried about the fact that this is exactly the time for someone to die. Then I realized I was surrounded. And suddenly I was hit by the terrifying realization that it was me- not one of those other people- who was going to be murdered. The fact that I was going to die in the next few minutes hit me so hard with terror that my eyes jerked open, and I found myself on my back in bed, paralyzed and surrounded by dark shapes of people who I was sure were going to kill me. I tried to move and realized the truth, and slowly and with relief I gained back my ability to jerk my head sideways and fully wake up.
I was very nauseated, very groggy, my eyes kept trying to shut and it took all of my focus to keep myself awake enough to not be immediately plunged back into the nightmare, which was hovering just on the inside of my mind's eye, waiting to suck me back in. I fought sleep with all I had until I was able to reach over and turn on my lamp.
Thank god for bedside lamps. I can't count the number of times that lamp has saved my ass. I sat up and fought more successfully to wake up. It was 45 minutes until time for my next dose of Xyrem, but I knew that without it I would just fall right back into the dream, and I was way too tired to stay awake for 45 minutes. So I went to the bathroom, trying not to imagine people jumping out at me to grab me and trying to shake the lingering fear of imminent death. When I got back I took my next dose early, and fell sound asleep until the morning.
When I woke up I was impressed with how Narcolepsy can make anything, even something as silly as Murder, She Wrote, completely terrifying. Go figure.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Break-In
Last night in the middle of the night, I had a very loud hallucination- all sorts of banging, scraping, shouting and jangling sounds were coming from the entryway. I woke up with my heart pounding. It actually surprised me a little that it effected me that much- I've had literally uncountable nightmares and hallucinations based on people breaking into my house. That's definitely the most common theme. By high school it was a private joke that I was so used to it. Sometimes it would turn out the person who was randomly in my house was fixing something, and then it was okay; sometimes the person was hunting me down to kill me and I had to hide under the floor or climb out my window and up onto the roof; sometimes there was a whole group outside with guns looking in the windows, trying to shoot at me, and I had to figure out how to get around them and escape. I think I've always been afraid of people breaking in, and probably inherited it from both parents. The whole time I was growing up we had an alarm system and my dad especially has been pretty obsessed with security. There may be a good reason for it, but if there is I haven't heard that story (or maybe I just forgot it, haha). We've had way more times our alarm randomly went off for no reason than anything real- we've always lived in safe neighborhoods, and had just one instance of someone stealing a bike out of our garage. I'm still on the fence about whether or not my parents cross the line between cautious and paranoid, but at least I know where I stand: paranoid as all get out.
The good side of all this is that I'm pretty sure if someone really broke in and put a gun to my head for whatever reason, I wouldn't be in the least fazed and would most likely start waving my arms around trying to wake up, haha. And then the robbers would get very unnerved and run as fast as possible in the other direction, shouting about the crazy person. No need for an alarm after all. :D
The good side of all this is that I'm pretty sure if someone really broke in and put a gun to my head for whatever reason, I wouldn't be in the least fazed and would most likely start waving my arms around trying to wake up, haha. And then the robbers would get very unnerved and run as fast as possible in the other direction, shouting about the crazy person. No need for an alarm after all. :D
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Parental Appreciation
I had an interesting hallucination this morning. There were three people standing in my closet having a conversation. One was shouting about something- it was really loud and what I assumed had woken me up. The other two were talking very quietly. I was paralyzed, lying in bed on my stomach, which was weird because usually I'm on my back during these things. I remember thinking I must be hallucinating, but I was confused about the position I was stuck lying in. And then I suddenly woke up on my back. What I think actually happened is that I had a hallucination dream about being paralyzed and hallucinating. Hallucinating about hallucinating? Really, brain? Is this totally necessary? XD
On the upside I'm feeling much better today. My stomach hates me very much, but I actually have some energy. Which is good, because I need to clean. >.> A lot. Haha. I think all of the cleaning that really needs to happen will take me multiple days. It's not that the place is really all that dirty. It's more the combination of two important factors: cleaning really takes it out of me (probably all that standing up and you know, moving around nonsense), and the standards are very high. You see, my parents (who have been gone on a very cool vacation) are coming back this week, and my dad is a total neat freak. He does admit this, and does almost all of the housecleaning around here because he wants it done right. And to him, right means frighteningly spotless and organized. To be fair, he used to be much more particular and has mellowed out over the years. However, no matter how much work I put into cleaning this week, the fact remains that he most likely is going to re-clean everything this weekend. Every part of every lamp will probably be wiped down, for example. But still, I want to put forth the effort anyway, just because I don't want him to feel like I wasn't taking care of things.
I definitely have a weird insecurity about not impressing my dad enough. It's a very strange thing for me to be insecure about, because he has absolutely never failed in any way to be proud of me no matter what. And he constantly tells me he's proud of me. All the time. Sure, he tends to encourage me to do more than I'm doing even though I really physically can't, but that's more of a misunderstanding than anything else. He's a very healthy, active person who exercises rediculous amounts every week and has seemingly endless energy. It's difficult for him to understand the constant exhaustion thing. Still, no matter what decisions I make in life he's always supportive and does his best to help me out.
When I first moved back home it was hard to live here. For one thing, this house is really annoying. I know I'm supposed to be grateful for a nice place to live and all that, and I promise I really do appreciate it. But everything about it, from the stairs to the layout of the kitchen to the dark doorways between me and the bathroom at night, all really get in my way every day. It's also so incredibly open that anyone listening to music anywhere in the house is automatically disturbing anyone else who's at home. Aside from my dad's kind of bad taste in houses, he tends to make a lot of noise. It makes napping during the day on weekends more difficult, which has the potential to really screw with my energy level. When he's walking around his footsteps are heavy and you can hear them from anywhere else in the house. He opens and shuts doors, cabinets, etc loudly, and likes to shred lots of paper at once, blast classical music from the living room, put every call on speaker phone and yell into it. Noise just really gets on my nerves for some reason. And yes, I have talked to him about it, and the occasional thing has gotten better. But we're talking about a small dent here.
For awhile I was just plain annoyed at my dad because of all this. I complained to my grandmother about it, and her attitude towards the situation really made me think. She pointed out that boys tend to be encouraged to be loud, to the point where they don't know they're disturbing anyone, whereas girls tend to be encouraged to be more conscious of other people. I really think I was holding him responsible for something not his fault. And then she went on to say that you know, as long as I have someplace to live, there's no reason to be annoyed at living at home. She said that when she was my age, you lived at home until you got married, and all this pressure to move out I seem to be putting on myself isn't really necessary. And looking at it now, I think she's right.
When my parents left for their vacation, I was looking forward to having the whole house to myself. And I have enjoyed it to a certain extent, I have to admit. But at the same time, it's made me appreciate my dad more. There's something to be said for having someone ask how your day was when you get home, or even for another presence in the house even when you aren't in the same room. To be honest, this place is lonely without all that noise. And I was relying on my parents for a lot of my social interaction- I was a little lonely already, and since they left I'm really feeling it. I also have this sense that a security blanket that's been there my whole life is temporarily gone- and I feel very exposed, if that makes sense. I'm really glad for this vacation because it means I might actually get over myself and appreciate living here. And that would be a huge step forward, especially since I'm probably always going to need some form of help because of my health. I need to learn to accept that help without feeling weak or stupid on the one hand or taking more than I need on the other.
It will be nice to have them back. In the meantime, I have lots of cleaning ahead of me. XD
On the upside I'm feeling much better today. My stomach hates me very much, but I actually have some energy. Which is good, because I need to clean. >.> A lot. Haha. I think all of the cleaning that really needs to happen will take me multiple days. It's not that the place is really all that dirty. It's more the combination of two important factors: cleaning really takes it out of me (probably all that standing up and you know, moving around nonsense), and the standards are very high. You see, my parents (who have been gone on a very cool vacation) are coming back this week, and my dad is a total neat freak. He does admit this, and does almost all of the housecleaning around here because he wants it done right. And to him, right means frighteningly spotless and organized. To be fair, he used to be much more particular and has mellowed out over the years. However, no matter how much work I put into cleaning this week, the fact remains that he most likely is going to re-clean everything this weekend. Every part of every lamp will probably be wiped down, for example. But still, I want to put forth the effort anyway, just because I don't want him to feel like I wasn't taking care of things.
I definitely have a weird insecurity about not impressing my dad enough. It's a very strange thing for me to be insecure about, because he has absolutely never failed in any way to be proud of me no matter what. And he constantly tells me he's proud of me. All the time. Sure, he tends to encourage me to do more than I'm doing even though I really physically can't, but that's more of a misunderstanding than anything else. He's a very healthy, active person who exercises rediculous amounts every week and has seemingly endless energy. It's difficult for him to understand the constant exhaustion thing. Still, no matter what decisions I make in life he's always supportive and does his best to help me out.
When I first moved back home it was hard to live here. For one thing, this house is really annoying. I know I'm supposed to be grateful for a nice place to live and all that, and I promise I really do appreciate it. But everything about it, from the stairs to the layout of the kitchen to the dark doorways between me and the bathroom at night, all really get in my way every day. It's also so incredibly open that anyone listening to music anywhere in the house is automatically disturbing anyone else who's at home. Aside from my dad's kind of bad taste in houses, he tends to make a lot of noise. It makes napping during the day on weekends more difficult, which has the potential to really screw with my energy level. When he's walking around his footsteps are heavy and you can hear them from anywhere else in the house. He opens and shuts doors, cabinets, etc loudly, and likes to shred lots of paper at once, blast classical music from the living room, put every call on speaker phone and yell into it. Noise just really gets on my nerves for some reason. And yes, I have talked to him about it, and the occasional thing has gotten better. But we're talking about a small dent here.
For awhile I was just plain annoyed at my dad because of all this. I complained to my grandmother about it, and her attitude towards the situation really made me think. She pointed out that boys tend to be encouraged to be loud, to the point where they don't know they're disturbing anyone, whereas girls tend to be encouraged to be more conscious of other people. I really think I was holding him responsible for something not his fault. And then she went on to say that you know, as long as I have someplace to live, there's no reason to be annoyed at living at home. She said that when she was my age, you lived at home until you got married, and all this pressure to move out I seem to be putting on myself isn't really necessary. And looking at it now, I think she's right.
When my parents left for their vacation, I was looking forward to having the whole house to myself. And I have enjoyed it to a certain extent, I have to admit. But at the same time, it's made me appreciate my dad more. There's something to be said for having someone ask how your day was when you get home, or even for another presence in the house even when you aren't in the same room. To be honest, this place is lonely without all that noise. And I was relying on my parents for a lot of my social interaction- I was a little lonely already, and since they left I'm really feeling it. I also have this sense that a security blanket that's been there my whole life is temporarily gone- and I feel very exposed, if that makes sense. I'm really glad for this vacation because it means I might actually get over myself and appreciate living here. And that would be a huge step forward, especially since I'm probably always going to need some form of help because of my health. I need to learn to accept that help without feeling weak or stupid on the one hand or taking more than I need on the other.
It will be nice to have them back. In the meantime, I have lots of cleaning ahead of me. XD
Friday, July 10, 2009
Typing While Drugged
Okay, so technically I should be writing this tomorrow. But I'm not asleep yet, and have another good story today, so I can't help myself haha.
So last night in the middle of the night I woke up really confused and dizzy and groggy. I looked down at my clock, and realized it was like an hour after my second dose. Well, that makes sense, I thought. So I picked up this book and got distracted trying to read it. It was a really easy book, but I was having a lot of trouble because my vision was all weird and blurry and foggy from being drugged. Still, I persisted for awhile. Finally I realized I was awake because I really needed to go to the bathroom. So I got up and started trying to walk in that direction, but my vision was all foggy and I couldn't stand up very well and kept losing my balance and almost falling over. Occasionally I would reach out to steady myself on the nearest furniture only to realize I was still standing next to my bed. Finally I did fall over, smacking into my bed and-
I jerked awake. Flat on my back in bed, three hours later than I had thought it was. And yeah, I still had to go to the bathroom. This time the real one. One disorienting experience.
I had a nice long phone conversation today in which I totally creeped out my friend with the teeth thing. Muahahahaha. XD
And now I need to go to bed before I end up with real Xyrem druggedness as opposed to the hallucinated kind.
So last night in the middle of the night I woke up really confused and dizzy and groggy. I looked down at my clock, and realized it was like an hour after my second dose. Well, that makes sense, I thought. So I picked up this book and got distracted trying to read it. It was a really easy book, but I was having a lot of trouble because my vision was all weird and blurry and foggy from being drugged. Still, I persisted for awhile. Finally I realized I was awake because I really needed to go to the bathroom. So I got up and started trying to walk in that direction, but my vision was all foggy and I couldn't stand up very well and kept losing my balance and almost falling over. Occasionally I would reach out to steady myself on the nearest furniture only to realize I was still standing next to my bed. Finally I did fall over, smacking into my bed and-
I jerked awake. Flat on my back in bed, three hours later than I had thought it was. And yeah, I still had to go to the bathroom. This time the real one. One disorienting experience.
I had a nice long phone conversation today in which I totally creeped out my friend with the teeth thing. Muahahahaha. XD
And now I need to go to bed before I end up with real Xyrem druggedness as opposed to the hallucinated kind.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Not So Bad
I woke up this morning and thought, hey, that wasn't bad! And then remembered the gorey and slightly disturbing dream I had in which I was a really macho buff guy with lots of tattoos (which is funny because that's like the exact opposite of how I look) who was trying to pretend to be harmless while sneaking past oppressive intelligent dinosaurs who he was supposed to assassinate without getting caught in this weird multi-planet world with Stargates. And this dude/I had a team of people who looked oddly like characters from Ouran High School Host Club. It was frustrating and weird and disturbingly bloody. o.O Well, at least I got to miss the hallucinating. But that probably will happen at some point. I vaguely remember having another dream in there somewhere about figuring out I was in a dream and thinking it was going to get scary, but it never really did. But I was in my old room which is always a bad sign. (Digression time!)
For most of my life, from when I was like 7 to when I was 22, my parents (and me until I went away for college) lived in the same little old house. When I was little I did sometimes have really vivid and awful nightmares, but it got really bad around 12 or 13. I wasn't diagnosed with Narcolepsy until I was- 20? Yes. So my bedroom, for 7ish years, was this place of terror. I had countless terrifying dreams in which I would "wake up" in my bedroom, and then there would be someone moving around in my bathroom or people looking in through my windows or something moving in the shadows. Or there would be cockroaches all over my bed or I would get up and look into the living room and this creepy water would be slowly rising, or I would find skeletons in my closet (that saying has never amused me, thank you very much), or there would be gunmen outside all the windows and if they saw me they would shoot. Or someone would come in and I would have to find a way to hide or sneak away or else I knew they were going to kill me. It almost always started in my room, with me waking up in my bed (because then I would think it was all real- thanks brain -.-) and then eventually I would get so afraid I would suddenly jerk awake, but be paralyzed and hallucinate. So then I would really be seeing my bedroom, but instead of just my room I would see shadow people doing things or looking in or touching me, and I would hear sounds like keys jangling and scratching sounds, creaking, or whispering. And I could feel people touching me, sometimes gently and sometimes violently. This kind of hallucination is called hypnopompic. I've also had the hypnogogic kind, on going to sleep, but those weren't usually as bad for me.
So you can see why being in my old bedroom was potentially a bad sign. The Xyrem usually keeps those things away, which is why I'm not going to give it up if I can possibly avoid it, even though it gives me stomach issues and makes my diet more annoying. Which is yet another long story.
I do seem to be more awake today though. I've decided (since I'm not going back to my doctor for three months) that I might as well take my dose to a halfway point before raising it the rest of the way, just to make it easier on myself. So it'll take a little longer to know what the effects of the maximum dose are, but in the meantime it might screw me up less.
For most of my life, from when I was like 7 to when I was 22, my parents (and me until I went away for college) lived in the same little old house. When I was little I did sometimes have really vivid and awful nightmares, but it got really bad around 12 or 13. I wasn't diagnosed with Narcolepsy until I was- 20? Yes. So my bedroom, for 7ish years, was this place of terror. I had countless terrifying dreams in which I would "wake up" in my bedroom, and then there would be someone moving around in my bathroom or people looking in through my windows or something moving in the shadows. Or there would be cockroaches all over my bed or I would get up and look into the living room and this creepy water would be slowly rising, or I would find skeletons in my closet (that saying has never amused me, thank you very much), or there would be gunmen outside all the windows and if they saw me they would shoot. Or someone would come in and I would have to find a way to hide or sneak away or else I knew they were going to kill me. It almost always started in my room, with me waking up in my bed (because then I would think it was all real- thanks brain -.-) and then eventually I would get so afraid I would suddenly jerk awake, but be paralyzed and hallucinate. So then I would really be seeing my bedroom, but instead of just my room I would see shadow people doing things or looking in or touching me, and I would hear sounds like keys jangling and scratching sounds, creaking, or whispering. And I could feel people touching me, sometimes gently and sometimes violently. This kind of hallucination is called hypnopompic. I've also had the hypnogogic kind, on going to sleep, but those weren't usually as bad for me.
So you can see why being in my old bedroom was potentially a bad sign. The Xyrem usually keeps those things away, which is why I'm not going to give it up if I can possibly avoid it, even though it gives me stomach issues and makes my diet more annoying. Which is yet another long story.
I do seem to be more awake today though. I've decided (since I'm not going back to my doctor for three months) that I might as well take my dose to a halfway point before raising it the rest of the way, just to make it easier on myself. So it'll take a little longer to know what the effects of the maximum dose are, but in the meantime it might screw me up less.
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