Parental Appreciation

I had an interesting hallucination this morning. There were three people standing in my closet having a conversation. One was shouting about something- it was really loud and what I assumed had woken me up. The other two were talking very quietly. I was paralyzed, lying in bed on my stomach, which was weird because usually I'm on my back during these things. I remember thinking I must be hallucinating, but I was confused about the position I was stuck lying in. And then I suddenly woke up on my back. What I think actually happened is that I had a hallucination dream about being paralyzed and hallucinating. Hallucinating about hallucinating? Really, brain? Is this totally necessary? XD

On the upside I'm feeling much better today. My stomach hates me very much, but I actually have some energy. Which is good, because I need to clean. >.> A lot. Haha. I think all of the cleaning that really needs to happen will take me multiple days. It's not that the place is really all that dirty. It's more the combination of two important factors: cleaning really takes it out of me (probably all that standing up and you know, moving around nonsense), and the standards are very high. You see, my parents (who have been gone on a very cool vacation) are coming back this week, and my dad is a total neat freak. He does admit this, and does almost all of the housecleaning around here because he wants it done right. And to him, right means frighteningly spotless and organized. To be fair, he used to be much more particular and has mellowed out over the years. However, no matter how much work I put into cleaning this week, the fact remains that he most likely is going to re-clean everything this weekend. Every part of every lamp will probably be wiped down, for example. But still, I want to put forth the effort anyway, just because I don't want him to feel like I wasn't taking care of things.

I definitely have a weird insecurity about not impressing my dad enough. It's a very strange thing for me to be insecure about, because he has absolutely never failed in any way to be proud of me no matter what. And he constantly tells me he's proud of me. All the time. Sure, he tends to encourage me to do more than I'm doing even though I really physically can't, but that's more of a misunderstanding than anything else. He's a very healthy, active person who exercises rediculous amounts every week and has seemingly endless energy. It's difficult for him to understand the constant exhaustion thing. Still, no matter what decisions I make in life he's always supportive and does his best to help me out.

When I first moved back home it was hard to live here. For one thing, this house is really annoying. I know I'm supposed to be grateful for a nice place to live and all that, and I promise I really do appreciate it. But everything about it, from the stairs to the layout of the kitchen to the dark doorways between me and the bathroom at night, all really get in my way every day. It's also so incredibly open that anyone listening to music anywhere in the house is automatically disturbing anyone else who's at home. Aside from my dad's kind of bad taste in houses, he tends to make a lot of noise. It makes napping during the day on weekends more difficult, which has the potential to really screw with my energy level. When he's walking around his footsteps are heavy and you can hear them from anywhere else in the house. He opens and shuts doors, cabinets, etc loudly, and likes to shred lots of paper at once, blast classical music from the living room, put every call on speaker phone and yell into it. Noise just really gets on my nerves for some reason. And yes, I have talked to him about it, and the occasional thing has gotten better. But we're talking about a small dent here.

For awhile I was just plain annoyed at my dad because of all this. I complained to my grandmother about it, and her attitude towards the situation really made me think. She pointed out that boys tend to be encouraged to be loud, to the point where they don't know they're disturbing anyone, whereas girls tend to be encouraged to be more conscious of other people. I really think I was holding him responsible for something not his fault. And then she went on to say that you know, as long as I have someplace to live, there's no reason to be annoyed at living at home. She said that when she was my age, you lived at home until you got married, and all this pressure to move out I seem to be putting on myself isn't really necessary. And looking at it now, I think she's right.

When my parents left for their vacation, I was looking forward to having the whole house to myself. And I have enjoyed it to a certain extent, I have to admit. But at the same time, it's made me appreciate my dad more. There's something to be said for having someone ask how your day was when you get home, or even for another presence in the house even when you aren't in the same room. To be honest, this place is lonely without all that noise. And I was relying on my parents for a lot of my social interaction- I was a little lonely already, and since they left I'm really feeling it. I also have this sense that a security blanket that's been there my whole life is temporarily gone- and I feel very exposed, if that makes sense. I'm really glad for this vacation because it means I might actually get over myself and appreciate living here. And that would be a huge step forward, especially since I'm probably always going to need some form of help because of my health. I need to learn to accept that help without feeling weak or stupid on the one hand or taking more than I need on the other.

It will be nice to have them back. In the meantime, I have lots of cleaning ahead of me. XD