Back to Crap

I changed my strategy this morning, but I'm not sure at this point if it was the right thing to do.

Even though I was really sleepy last night, it took me an hour after the first dose of Xyrem to actually fall asleep because my heartrate was still up. When I did eventually sleep I didn't dream at all and got a lot of rest, which was good. But when I woke up this morning I was a little annoyed to find my heartrate still faster than was comfortable. I decided to not take the Nuvigil this morning and talk to my doctor on Monday first, just to be safe.

At the time it did make a lot of sense. Besides the whole better safe than sorry thing, I felt so wired and hyper yesterday that I'm wondering if starting at a lower dose would be a good idea. At any rate, I figured waiting to talk to my doctor about it would be worth it.

It's amazing how feeling awake for just one day can make you forget how it was before. By the time I was going to lunch with a friend I was back to being totally exhausted even though I didn't do anything in the morning. It was frustrating and by the afternoon I had decided that I should have tried the Nuvigil again anyway. I mean, maybe it would have mellowed out over a couple of days. And it made such a huge difference in my life for the 24 hours I was trying it.

I just really want this to work, because if it does I'm one step closer to maybe being able to be employed some day. Being able to work would mean I could have health insurance even after my dad's stops covering me in a year, maybe actually be able to support myself someday without my body giving out on me. And someday maybe I wouldn't have to live in my parents' house completely dependent on them because I can barely do the small amount of classes I'm doing, much less actually make money somehow.

As you can see, I'm having trouble not getting my hopes up. It's dangerous because if anything goes wrong with this newest experiment I'm going to come crashing back down to earth again. And reality kind of sucks.