More Like Me

Well, it's been about three weeks since I lowered my dose down slightly. As expected it's been quite the rollercoaster, and I've had many lows the past few weeks that left me feeling really discouraged. I've had the occasional day where I was glued to the couch because I was too tired and spacey to do anything, and some days where I was anxious. Plus several strings of nights of really bad sleep- full of nightmares or just lots of tossing and turning. But the last few days I've actually been feeling pretty good, for me at least. The high dose side effects are gone- I'm not anxious and my appetite is back in full force- and I've actually had the energy required to accomplish things when I want to. But I think the best thing about how I'm feelng right now is that I feel much more like myself again. On the higher dose I was stiff, awkward, nervous. And I had more energy but had trouble relaxing or even enjoying things without being too stressed out. Then during my lows the past few weeks I've been too tired to do anything and unable to focus. The past few days have felt so good because I can relax when I want to and focus if I need to, and I feel much more in control of my life again.

It's funny because the higher dose had me more mentally grounded in reality- I spent more brain power on my senses and practical thinking and less on imagining things and making stuff up. But I really think my natural state is when I'm off on some crazy mental tangent, imagining up creatures and worlds or bending this one around for fun. I think I feel more like myself again because my mind is back at its occasional vivid wandering, and my imagination has been much more active. And I'm glad, because my imagination is by far my favorite trait- plus I think that's what is going to get me a job someday, if anything can.

But I'm not going to worry about that for now because I'm in the middle of a lot of really fun projects for classes. And I'm somehow managing to get it all done and to do a good job, and even enjoy it. So I'm definitely happy about where I am right now. Here's to hoping the feeling stays around.