Anything But Art

Last night was one heck of a light show for me. I had at least two very interesting dreams with unbelievably gorgeous scenery. In the first, I was a little kid at a big family reunion- I was hanging out with a bunch of my cousins. I wasn't me, but a little boy, and the family wasn't my real one either. But all the kids were going on this really fun scavenger hunt in this scenic woodsy place on a lake, and we rode in canoes and camped on the shore and looked at the stars. And we were listening to these legends that the older folks were telling. It was really fun. When I started to wake up I fought it because we were about to find whatever we were looking for in the scavenger hunt and I wanted to see what it was- but instead of that dream going on, I ended up in a different one in which I was riding in this... actually it might have been a hot air balloon now that I think about it. I was floating past this night city skyline, but the lights in the buildings were all colors of the rainbow, making it even more beautiful than usual. And then a fireworks show started behind the buildings. The image has stuck in my mind all day because it was so amazing. It may need to be drawn. But we'll see how that goes. I've had a pretty stubborn form of art block for awhile now. But maybe I ought to rewind a bit.

I've been drawing since I was two years old. I still have some of my really early stuff, which is, of course, hilarious. In elementary school I was a very well-behaved student (and hopeless teacher's pet, haha), but still managed to get in trouble for drawing when I was supposed to be paying attention. At that time I was mostly inspired by Disney, as you might expect, and various cartoons (like Doug and Rugrats). I had my own myriad of characters that only got more complicated as I got older. In middle school I discovered the internet, and through that a whole host of artists, especially furry art (otherwise known as "anthro" for "anthropomorphism"), which is basically about characters that are some combination of human and animal. At that point, when I was about thirteen, I started to conciously work to improve my drawings. That was when I really got serious about my art, which was literally what got me through high school. Art has always been how I deal with life.

This is something that has been difficult to get across to my esteemed family members however. I learned early on to avoid the truth when adults asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, because if I said "artist" they would laugh and tell me I needed something that makes money. My parents walked a very careful line between encouraging me to be creative and warning me off of art as a profession (they're both scientists, and wanted something more academic for me). We got in many fights during my awful high school experience when I would insist on slipping some art in between my mounds of impossible homework and constant need to nap. I fought them only because I knew that art was absolutely essential to my survival of daily life. But things didn't come to a head until college, when my illness caught up with me and, forced to choose between my two majors in my last year, I chose the one they didn't like- art, of course. That was one phone call I'll never forget. There was a lot of shouting on one side and crying on the other. But once it was done, they did what they always have done- they turned right around and supported me in what I wanted to do. And when I came home, decided I wanted to take classes in animation and go forth and make movies someday, they provided the support and the funds. I've spent the last year trying to convince them that you can, in fact, make money by being good at drawing, and I think I'm finally getting there.

The main problem I have now is this long term art block. But I think I know what's going on there. For years now I've been working on finding a way to really face what I've seen and heard and felt in my dreams because of how much that's effected me. And it's difficult for me to express, but I think I'm finally starting to get there. Once I've dredged up that stuff and gotten it out, I think I'll feel much better about life and can go back to the colorful character drawings I've always done. But in the meantime, I'm having a hard time making any art. Also, I often find myself very inspired, but lacking the energy I need to accomplish anything. I'm learning slowly that the days of me chugging out a piece in a day or two of straight working are over, at least for now. I'm taking things slower and stopping when I'm tired and coming back later. But maybe something really good will come out of this, eventually.

Also, then I can show people and creep them out, which is always fun, haha. I get way too much entertainment out of creeping people out. XD