Today is way better. Thank goodness. I was digging myself into a pessimistic hole yesterday, but then woke up to a much more functional state of being. I know the shifting around isn't quite done yet, but that's okay. I'm just really glad I feel safe driving today- I was running out of food. Oops. ^^; I also went to Petco to get more dogfood. It's literally three blocks from my house, so I usually take my dog at the end of one of our daily walks whenever I need to stock up on something (like frequently, treats- haha). Lately though I haven't been taking my wallet on walks because I'm starting to grow out of my jeans (which is a really good thing, as I've been underweight for ages) and it doesn't fit in my pocket very well anymore. So when I left home, in the back of my mind was the idea I should take my wallet today, only I couldn't remember why, so of course I disregarded it. Only to get to Petco's checkout line and realize my wallet was at my house. XD So we got to go there twice.
The dumb little things that don't occur to me or that I somehow forget or that I say without thinking have been with me for a long time. I used to get made fun of for it, and nowadays I do the making fun. Because most of the time it is pretty funny when you go upstairs to get something, get sidetracked and go to the bathroom only to remember later when you're back downstairs again that you actually went up there to do something else. Or you write a list and forget to bring it, or get out to your car without the car keys, etc. Basically I think it's pretty amusing that my mind is made of mush. Especially since now I know it isn't my fault.
I think the one thing that does actually bother me about the situation is how jumbled up my real memories, past dreams and random imaginings are. They're basically indistinguishable from each other as far as clarity (basically, all hazy) and sense of reality. Before medication, my dreams were all more real than real memories, and either completely horrible, tragic and terrifying or amazingly awesome and beautiful. So I could tell the mundane reality stuff apart pretty easily. Now though my dreams are more the mundane but disturbing type. And now that I have some time distance from the stronger dreams, I have trouble telling them apart from the actual memories of the time or memories from yesterday or last night's dream because it's basically all just brain soup at this point. I also feel weirdly distanced from my memories of my real life as if I'm remembering someone else's autobiography that I read or something. Only I know it's my life because there's the occasional detail that only I could possibly know. And then there's the fact that I daydream pretty uncontrollably, sometimes about a book that I'm reading, or a story I'm writing, but usually about all the things that could go wrong. If I'm driving a corner of my mind is watching me crash. If I'm walking my dog, it's about him getting run over. If I'm sitting at home it's about people breaking into the house. The list goes on and on. And these things get added to the soup of what's real and what happened or didn't happen or was in a dream last night or a daydream five minutes ago. And people wonder why I'm so insecure sometimes. Life is confusing when your brain is mush.
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Thank you so much for the kind words. Keep your head up high and be proud of what you can do. Forget about what you cannot. If you need anything, please let me know. I will do my best to guide you when I can. Michael A. Wiggs
ReplyDeleteI am thrilled that you are feeling better. I also had to laugh at the PetCo story. That is totally me. I have been "absent-minded" all of my life (and I am sure that was the early narcolepsy), but these days I will often repeat important things aloud so I actually remember to do them. I was also struck by your comments about memories. I too find it bizarrely hard to sort through the real ones and the imagined ones. My twist is that I finally realized that at least a portion of my HH are "real life" scenarios. I rarely "remember" dreams, but would often have conversations with my wife when she would tell me - "you never said that." I was convinced that she was wrong until I had a FOR SURE hypnapopmic hallucination about being late for work and being unable to get up to my alarm. Finally, when I was in danger of TRULY being late for my job, I wrenched myself out of bed and discovered that it was actually 4:30 AM - wow! I will offer that blogging does help me track better. I hope it will do the same for you.
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