Bad Day Rant

I had a really lousy day, so I just need to vent.

I started off my day walking my dog a lot farther than was probably wise. He's been misbehaving a little lately because I had a sinus infection for awhile and wasn't able to walk him for nearly two weeks, so he has extra built up energy that comes out every so often as anxiety and dominance. He was getting worse even after I started walking him again, and I got sick of him acting up, so a couple days ago I started taking him on much longer walks. At first it didn't cut into my already low energy level as much as I was expecting, and I was encouraged. He was a lot calmer and more relaxed afterwards which was great. Yesterday it was a little harder for me to walk him long enough because it turned out I was still tired from the day before. Today as soon as he woke up I could tell he was going to have an attitude, so I tried to prevent it with a very long walk this morning. Unfortunately I overdid it and so started my day off totally wiped.

So I'm already running on empty, but I decide to work on my homework anyway. I had just started what seemed like a promising hunt for amusing sound effects for my next project, which I'm a little worried about finishing on time because it will be difficult. My mom came downstairs and started to explain to me that my dad wants to delay my CAT scan (which I had already scheduled and everything) so that he can find out more about the cost and make sure our insurance is going to cover it. He wanted me to wait a couple of weeks. This rankled for many reasons, but the main one is that I'm already feeling the next sinus infection coming on. I don't know if I do want to do surgery, and I'm not going to decide until I have a lot more information, but I think the scan is an important first step and I really want to at least get somewhere towards finding a solution to this problem, which is getting worse every time and already almost caused me to drop a class this quarter. I'm getting more worried every day that I start to feel the next one coming on. So the idea of delaying that really got on my nerves. I'm not saying that taking a closer look at the possible cost of this isn't very important, but I'm trying to actually get something done here to improve my quality of life and my dad has a way of putting the brakes on these things. It aggravates me.

So I started trying to argue for doing the scan sooner rather than later, and dad came down and I have to confess that I exploded at him. I'm exhausted, I'm frustrated, I'm on my way to getting sick yet again, and I'm tired to death of dealing with my stupid health. Plus I've been worrying more than usual lately about whether it even makes sense to think I'm going to be able to support myself someday. All of this came to a head and I took it out on him because he was there and (to be fair to myself) he was standing in my way.

We argued. My mom mediated, and finally I agreed to reschedule the CAT scan for two days later to give him time to sort out the insurance junk. They both went back upstairs, and I was so spent from the arguing and the shouting and over-extending myself earlier that I just sat on my floor and cried my eyes out. I went through half a box of kleenex. Besides being tired, I think I just needed a good cry.

I'm barely into my 20s, at the prime of my life, and I hardly have the energy to take care of my very limited responsibilities. Right now I can't even get my dog enough exercise, and it's not like he's high energy. I'm just so exhausted that I'm barely making it. For the four years since my first diagnosis, I've been waiting around just hoping that someday I'll get better. That something will come along and fix me. And now I'm beginning to realize that the abysmal energy level that I have right now just might be my peak. How will I be doing twenty years from now, when I've managed to acquire even more of a sleep debt? How about when I'm sixty- will I even have the energy to get up? And if this is my peak, and I really don't think I have the physical ability to work full time now, how will I support myself? Working through this realization is very hard for me because I've always had a vision of my future, independent life. And it's beginning to sink in that I may always need some measure of help, financial and otherwise.

When I was done crying I hauled my dog up the stairs so we could watch tv and heat up some lunch. We spent a few hours on the couch, and I was still feeling pretty lousy when I finally decided I just really needed to get out of the house. The house makes me angry because of how everything about it makes my life harder, and I was starting to get upset again, so even though I really didn't have the energy I ran a couple of errands. It took caffeine to get me safely home afterwards.

I took my dog out into the yard when I got home and he started acting up despite the morning's long walk. I think he could tell I was on the point of falling over. On our way inside, to make my day even better, I misstepped and cut the bottom of my foot in what was yet another instance of me not being able to properly tell where things are in my environment. I got inside and realized that the first aid stuff that I needed was on the third floor. So I got to limp up two flights of stairs to take care of it, which I barely managed because I was beyond exhausted at that point. Then I landed on the couch and didn't move anymore.

My dad came downstairs and started making snide comments about the shows I was watching. I did my best to ignore him without being rude. My dog started to really push me more and more, and I could tell he was going to need another walk tonight. And I didn't know what the hell to do, because now I had an injured foot to add to this mess. Neither parent wanted to help, so I ended up taking him anyway and just limping around the neighborhood in pain until he had enough exercise. I don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow because he's still going to need exercise and I'm going to have a painful foot for at least the next few days. Thanks, life.