The Downhill Slide

Lately there's been so much going through my head that it's been difficult to sort out. The basic summary is that, at the moment, I'm feeling really overwhelmed by life. For one thing, the quarter is really gearing up right now and I have three difficult projects on my mind. I have several weeks of classes left, but I'm still really worried about getting it all done. Knowing me I'll manage it despite everything and even get really good grades. But this quarter has been harder than any before it even though I'm taking three classes instead of four.

I'm not sure exactly what's up, but it scares me a little. I'm more tired than I've been in a long time. I keep cutting back- doing less, being really careful about how much energy I use up. It has helped a lot, especially my new strategy for walking my dog. But no matter what I do I still seem to end up struggling with what I have left. I'm staying home so much more, taking more naps, but I'm still not sleeping well. It's gotten difficult to sit through my three hour classes. It wears me out so bad that I worry about driving home. I've been leaning more on caffeine than I would like, but it's the only thing that gets me through some days.

I'm also stressed out about possibly needing surgery on my sinuses. The prospect of having something else to deal with is not appealing. I'm also not sure if it's necessary, and at this point I'm kind of wishing I had picked my own ENT instead of letting my mom set me up with a surgeon. On the other hand, surgery may actually fix my problem instead of just postponing it like all of those horsepill antibiotics I've been taking for years. But I also wonder if it's not my inner-nose anatomy so much as my screwed up immune system to blame. I'm not going back to consult with the ENT until two weeks from Monday, but I'm taking both parents because I want actual brains there asking the relevant questions. I figure between the three of us there'll at least be about a brain and a half actually present.

And along with the stress and the classes and the driving and the doctors, I've been thinking a lot about my future. Saying that I'm worried would be a pretty big understatement. If I can barely do what I'm doing right now, and it's a fight that I have to fight every day tooth and nail to not outright lose, I'm really not sure how I'm going to handle employment. I'm being forced to digest options that do not appeal to me, like being financially dependent on other people for the rest of my life. Like not moving out of my parent's house for multiple more years. As I'm feeling worse right now it's difficult to say whether or not a part-time job is realistic, but even in slightly better times it has been more than I could handle.

Intellectually I know that it's not my fault. I know that I'm doing my best and that's all I can do even when it isn't quite enough. But part of me is ashamed that I had to drop down to three classes instead of four, and it hurts my pride that I need to look realistically at the idea I may not be able to work enough to support myself. I think in our culture these things are really important- the difference between success and failure, and if you aren't making it it means you just aren't working hard enough. But I know that I don't want my life to be the rat race, and that even if I did there's no way I could sustain it. So I'm trying not to let it upset me. Good luck with that, girl.