Firmly In The Closet

The other day one of the guys in my class, while he didn't mean to, really irked me. He saw one of my anthro characters on my notes, and asked me if I know this other student who apparently also draws furries. I told him no, I'd never met this person. And he said, "You should meet him- I bet y'all are soulmates!" Though I wanted to get annoyed at him, I simply said "Oh really?" and then stopped the conversation. After all, while it is a kind of dumb comment, he wasn't trying to be mean. He was just doing what everyone else in this state seems to do- assume that I'm straight.

I'm very gay. I'm gayer than the gayest rainbow, and if you don't believe me you can ask my ex-girlfriend. I'm also firmly in the closet. My close friends know, as do my parents, but all of my acquaintances and other relatives are in the dark on this one, and for good reason. For one thing I still have some issues. And for another, there are certain people who would not be open-minded if I told them and would most likely start trying to "change my mind". So I keep it to myself, which is one of many things that get in the way of any possible romantic relationship. But that's a story for another day.

I was raised in- how do I put this nicely?- one of the most backwards states in America. The whole time I was growing up I was told that I would find a boy, get married and have kids. I never bought the kids scenario, mainly because even as a child I wasn't into that idea. But I bought into the husband, even though I didn't think boys were that interesting. Every year at Christmas we would visit my dad's family, and the grownups would ask me and my girl cousins what we thought of boys. For awhile we all said "Yuck!" And then my cousins started to respond with interesting, or cute, or at least alright. And I stayed on yuck.

I always thought that was weird. I kept waiting to reach that age where I would think boys were attractive, but it never came. Even in my teens I just wasn't interested in the guys in my class. I feel like this should have been a red flag for me, but it wasn't. Everyone had always assumed I was straight, so I didn't even think to question it, and just made excuses.

That whole time I was assuming I was straight, I had massive crushes on other girls. It started in preschool, with this other girl in my class. I thought she was really pretty and I loved her hair. I followed her around because (I thought at the time) I really wanted to be friends with her. I was confused when she was mean to me and I still wanted to be her friend anyway, and I couldn't figure out why my feelings toward her (who I didn't even really know) were so strong.

It kept on all through elementary school. There was always a girl I thought was pretty and wanted to be friends with, and later I would wonder why. In the meantime I pretended to have crushes on boys because all the other girls were doing it- and at the time I remember assuming that they were all faking it too.

In middle school I would have crushes on teachers, which just really embarrassed me, especially when they were female. I would put those thoughts out of my mind and feel really wrong for thinking about them in any kind of a sexual way. I would beat myself up over it because I seriously thought I was just messed up. But still, even though I acknowledged those feelings enough to be ashamed, it didn't occur to me to question that I was straight. And by high school, when I finally first heard about homosexuality, I was so sick that I never thought to ask myself the important questions- I was too busy just surviving.

It wasn't until college that the realization hit me. I met a new friend through a PE class, and she seemed really nice. She invited me to her birthday party. It was really fun, because it was a tea party and all the people there were very friendly. I found out she had a girlfriend, and eventually it came out in conversation that almost everyone there was gay or bi. As I was leaving I thought about how funny it was that I was the only straight person there when I'd never had any gay friends before. And then I asked myself the question, and got an answer that I wasn't expecting. It was like my brain just froze, like it was jammed. The realization hit me like a ton of bricks. And then I knew that I wasn't straight, and never had been. And I felt numb and weak with pure fear.

It was several months before I could really think about it again. The whole time I felt like I was in a dream. The fear followed me everywhere. I couldn't understand why I was having such a strong negative reaction to something that was just naturally me, but I couldn't shake it. Part of what bothered me was probably the fact that I was mistaken for so long. I pride myself on how introspective I am most of the time, and that I missed something so obvious for so long was really disturbing to me. But I also am a product of the environment I was brought up in. Though I had never thought homosexuality was wrong, and supported the fact that it's not a choice, it's different when it's you and not someone anonymous. All the things I heard growing up got dredged up again, and I couldn't help feeling like a freak of nature, like something was wrong with me, like I had somehow let my family down by not being "normal". It was hard. And I hid it from my friends for months even though I knew they wouldn't care. I avoided the new friend who had sparked the realization, which I regret because it was mean and I never explained myself later. I crawled into my shell and it took years to pry myself out.

It's been three and a half years now. I'm finally feeling like it's okay for me to be gay, and I've told all of my close friends. My parents know too, and have been very supportive as I knew they would be. I'm almost to the point where I think it would be alright for some other family members to know, chosen wisely of course. But I'm not ready to declare myself to new acquaintances, even as they openly assume I'm straight, and I don't know if I ever will be. It still smarts a little. And I don't want to risk any confrontations because it would be so easy to get hurt. The closet is so much safer.