Thursday, November 10, 2011

PFLAG: Or, Why Do People Have Meetings At Night of All Ridiculous Times??

Since we moved back into the area, we've been in search of support groups that have trans members. Transsexualism isn't really something you can talk about to just anyone you meet, and even when you can people usually can't relate. First we tried driving an hour to the nearest city, but it was just too inconvenient. Then we realized there's actually a chapter of PFLAG (an LGBT and allies group) just twenty minutes away.

The first meeting we went to (they're monthly) wasn't terribly exciting, but that might have just been because I slept through it. The meetings take place at night, and I forgot to drink caffeine before we left, so by the time announcements were done and it was time to discuss things, I was out in my chair, dozing on my husband's shoulder. I was really annoyed at myself because the people seemed great and the atmosphere safe and friendly. So this time, I went armed with dark chocolate pieces to keep me awake there after drinking the strongest jasmine tea in the house.

It did sort of work, and it was a meeting that was specifically about trans issues with a speaker who had a transman son, so very relevant to us. I mostly didn't zone out, though I ended up pretty whacked out on excess caffeine and sugar. WHY do people meet at night of all times? Thank God the writer's group we go to is in the middle of the day on the weekend...

Well, at least I didn't miss anything this time. I even spoke up at one point because we were talking about the relationship between sexual orientation and gender identity (they are two very distinct and unrelated things, from my point of view) and people were half-convincing themselves that asexuals (who they didn't even know the word for) and androgynous people must be the same. I know multiple asexuals and most of them identify as female so I stood up for them, which everyone, especially this somewhat creepy counselor guy, seemed to be really interested in. It seems weird to me that a roomful of people who deviate from mainstream sexuality/gender wouldn't know that if they exist, surely other variations on the same theme do also. But, I know I have a really different perspective because I know a randomly and accidentally very diverse group of people.

But I thought the best part was as everyone was leaving, because we got to meet and talk to a bunch of people who were really cool and nice and supportive to each other. We met a transman who's in high school who immediately connected with J, J's mom got to talk with another mom for a long time, and I got randomly pounced on by people. The speaker randomly ran over (like, seriously ran) and hugged me for having married a transman because her son had always had a hard time finding a mate. I thought it was sweet, but mystifying, because I honestly can't figure out why I wouldn't be with a transman/J because we're so well-matched emotionally. Then I realized it probably had to do with the fact that I'm not "out" to these people... they don't know about my disability for the most part, and this woman didn't see me asleep last week. Therefore, they don't know that J actually does way more to take care of me than I have to do for him usually. I guess if he was the only "difficult" one lol, it would be harder for most people to stick around. Instead, I probably am harder to live with, through no fault of my own. I'm so grateful to have J that him being trans and all the difficulties that go with it just don't register most of the time.

We also ended up talking to an older transwoman for awhile until J's mom dragged us out because she could see me starting to sway on my feet. We didn't get home until almost 11, and I spent the next 24 hours recovering. I would say I wish the meetings were more frequent, but if they were I would be screwed. Someone should put a meeting during sane hours, just for me.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Like a Narcoleptic in a Mattress Store

I may have found the perfect Narcoleptic career: mattress store model! You just fall asleep in the front window, and the people walking by think the mattress you're on will help them sleep. Warning: May Be Mistaken For Mannikin Except for Snoring. XD If only someone would PAY me to sleep...

Well, I was at a mattress store yesterday, and let me tell you, I have never had that much trouble staying vertical in a store before. Just sitting on the cushy new mattresses made me too comfortable to stay awake. My husband was highly amused that he had to continuously poke me every two minutes when it was time to test a different one. It didn't help that it was cloudy outside, approaching sunset, and that I was pretty tired. I'm hoping it's a good sign anyway, that when our new mattress comes I might sleep better on it than I do on our two old-ish twin mattresses on the floor. It may come tonight, which means I could immediately at it to my various sleep experiments of the moment.

I hope it works; I need all the help I can get this time of year...

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Happy 5AM, Everyone!!

I HATE MORNINGS. Especially when I find myself out of bed before the sun rises. I'm fairly certain that this explains why winter is my least favorite season (Coming Soon! Ugh). Not only do I despise the cold, I hate being awake when it's dark out, and in the Midwest that's impossible to avoid for six months out of the year.

Maybe it's because I was afraid of the dark as a child (no wonder, as there were actually monsters in it for me). Or it could have to do with how much harder it is for me to stay awake without natural light helping me. I have my worst nightmares and hallucinations in the dark, and I'm pretty sure natural light is the main reason I can safely nap in the middle of the day. Either way, during the fall I always seem to have a harder time dealing with sleep, and it's that time of year again. I swear over the last week I've had just a couple of hours of non-nightmarish sleep a night while sleeping over 12 hours. So lately I decided I'm shaking this nonsense up. As my latest experiment of many, I tried using caffeine to stay up and my husband as an alarm in the morning in order to shorten my night. So I slept from 10PM (yeah, that's late lol) until around 5:30AM and the condensing did seem to help. I would have been asleep while walking around this morning if I hadn't immediately showered to help me wake up. Aside from being pretty useless for anything other than surfing the internet this morning, it seems to have worked. I only remembered one aggravating dream during my shower and my body feels more rested than usual.

Whether or not my head will clear enough to not mess up everything I touch today, lol, remains to be seen. I may even read this post later and be like, wait, what?

Anyway, I apologize for the lack of any update for so long. I would say I've been busy, but really I've just been surviving lately.

Oh, a disability update: all the paperwork is in and I've had a psych evaluation, so now I'm waiting. The evaluation was pretty comical (Now count backwards from 100 by 3's! and repeat these series of numbers backwards after me! do you ever think of dying? do you ever talk to anyone?). Who knows. We will see.