What's This?? A Social Life or Something?

I hung out with/talked to two non-family people this weekend. Human people! o.O Woah... This may seem to some like a low-key, boring weekend if you're used to partying, or are in college. The thing is, ever since I found out what was making me sick and started having to cope with treatment and my special needs (as opposed to simply shoving through pretending to be normal), I've become more and more of a recluse. In high school I was constantly sick to my stomach and automatic-behavioring my way through everything including hanging out with my friends. Then my first year of college I found out about Celiac's. Explaining my special diet to everyone around me sucked. When you tell people who haven't heard of it before and explain the key points to them, they inevitably say one of about five completely moronic things:

1. Oh my gosh, how terrible!! D: Your life is so hard!! (Like I need to hear that from some schmuck who doesn't know me or my life at all...)
2. Did you say you can't eat meat? (Having misheard "wheat" XD)
3. I can't believe you can actually cut all that out of your diet!! I could never do that!!! (Trust me, if gluten caused you physical pain, you wouldn't have a hard time letting it go.)
4. If you eat a cookie, that means you could die??? (XD It's not an allergy like those people in the news who are killed by traces of peanuts.)
5. Oh! I know what you mean!! I have a minor allergy to -insert random food item here- and can only eat five cups of it before my scalp itches minorly!! I usually just ignore it though. :D (Oh yeah- obviously you know what a life-changing diet is like. XD)

After a couple of years of this, I just plain got tired of explaining it. So I just stopped telling people and stuck to friends who already knew and had lived with me through the changes. It didn't help that by that time, I also knew I had Narcolepsy and was on Xyrem, which has its own life changes that go with it. For those years I had to go to bed at a consistent time every night (otherwise my stomach and alertness were completely messed up the next day and sometimes the day after as well). This meant no surprise staying up, which is really tough on someone college-aged when most serious talking and socializing happens at night. It also caused generalized anxiety in me at the higher dose I was on, which, believe me, doesn't help in social situations. Those combined with culture shock after returning to America from Japan kept me completely isolated for my last year of college.

Luckily, returning to my hometown after graduation meant I had old friends who required no explaining nearby. A lower dose of Xyrem also helped me gain somewhat of a social life back, plus getting on a much-needed antidepressant for the first time in my life. I still kept to myself at art classes and in public and avoided explaining either illness as much as I could. Slowly I developed a better strategy than launching into a detailed explanation at a moment's provocation or avoiding the subject completely- instead I compromised by explaining one symptom at a time on a need-to-know basis. For example, when invited to eat with someone I would make it clear I needed to be the one to choose the restaurant or food choice. When falling asleep in class I would explain to other students that I was tired and needed a nap. So in this way as people came to know me, they came to know my needs and quirks, and slowly understood I wasn't normal.

And so nowadays I find it much easier to meet new people and talk to them. It also helps to have my girlfriend's support- I feel more protected, less exposed, in social situations. This weekend we had one of her coworkers over for lunch (we cooked, so there wasn't a problem there) and chatted for about four hours. It was great. We all had pretty good funny stories to share, and I even got to nap for half an hour in the middle without having to kick her out first. :) We also had a long, in-depth conversation on the phone with a chaplain who might officiate our wedding this summer. That was exhausting for me, because he wanted to get to know us and make sure that we really are ready to be married, and so asked pretty in-depth questions. He was really nice, though, and didn't pry for details about my illnesses. I know two new people (with one over the phone rather than in person XD) aren't most people's idea of a social life, but it was a pretty big leap for us since we just moved here and haven't had much opportunity to make local friends. So that is exciting. Maybe by the summer we'll have three friends or something, lol. 8D

School and Dogs

I survived another day of class and driving, and went ahead and filled out the form to withdraw from the school. My photography instructor, who is also my head of department (or Head of House, as I like to think of it, haha) knows I'm leaving because of my health and he brought me the form and explained that he'll turn it in and I don't really have to do anything else. I really really appreciated it, because now it's taken care of and when my class ends I'm done. He said he's sorry to see me go, and I am too. I've really had fun with this animation stuff, and I still think it would be the career for me if I could hold down a job.

I decided today that I will try to go back in the fall. I'm moving out of my parents' house and into an apartment with my girlfriend this summer, and so that gives me three quarters to recover and move and possibly feel better. If fall comes around again and I'm still too tired to do much I won't start again, but if I feel up to it I would like to. It's been really fun, as much as I've complained occasionally. XD

In other news, my girlfriend fell in love with a dog. I had a lot of worries at first which we've gone through and discussed, but let's face it, one look at pictures of this dog's face and I was sold. XD Seriously though, we had agreed on adding a second dog to our family of two humans, two ridiculously adorable cats and a fluffy dachshund, we just weren't originally thinking of adding the second dog for a couple of years. We all know how that goes, though, lol. We're both suckers and animal people, so it really was inevitable. I'm excited. He does sound perfect, and I figure, if I managed to train my dog I'm really not worried about a more mild-mannered one. So life is good, and my girlfriend is coming to visit tomorrow, so my guess is that it'll be next week before I post again. YAY.

Middle School Stress Out

Most of my dream was about middle school. It was actually some sort of weird combination of my actual middle school experience and the art college I'm about to stop attending. I had five normal subjects, plus a homeroom class that was apparently a fashion class that was preparing us to be models (probably because I was watching America's Next Top Model the other day). I was sitting in my various classes, trying to figure out how many classes I could drop because I was really overwhelmed, but the year was really close to over so it was hard to decide- I didn't want to take algebra again later, and in English there was just one project left and I thought it was going to be fun- an essay about your imaginary friends and a self portrait (hahaha). Basically I had way too much to do but there was no good way to slow down. I hated homeroom because it was really hard for me- I had to conjure various weird fashion clothing out of thin air and onto myself, plus find makeup and glitter and jewelry that matched to have on my face, and all in front of the class. I thought my costume that day wasn't too bad, but I wasn't very happy with it and thought the class was pretty pointless. Oh yeah, and it was full of people from my art college, haha. I was pretty sad thinking about leaving and not getting to see them anymore, which obviously has a basis in real life.

After struggling to find a way to drop things while also trying to concentrate in math and English, it was finally lunchtime. I grabbed my stuff and followed one of my real middle school friends into the bathroom. I was tired and hungry and really wanted lunch, so of course everything started to go wrong. First, this guy from my elementary school ran into my friend and knocked her over while we were putting all of our stuff down on the floor (we each had about five different bags, and one of mine was a koala backpack for some reason o.O). My friend started crying and I ran over and hugged her, and it took her awhile to calm down. Meanwhile, the entire bathroom got really busy, and then there kept being things wrong with the toilets (as always happens to me when I dream about bathrooms). It took us what seemed like forever to get to our usual lunch spot, which was apparently in the school's carpeted ballroom (because that makes sense). Our other friends were there- high school friends this time- and it turned out to be after school and we were waiting for calls from our parents. I pulled all of my homework out, still trying to figure out how I was going to survive until the end of the semester. Another one of my friends was really grumpy because she'd gotten a B on something, which is funny because it's so her, and the friend who had gotten knocked down was just really quiet and unhappy. Pretty soon I realized I should start packing up to take all of my stuff home, still no closer to figuring out what I was going to do about having too many classes.

I started shoving things into my massive backpack, and as I did more things would form on the floor, so that there was always one more pencil, or folder, or sheet of paper to stow away. After awhile the items got sillier- tiny stubby pencils, or a fistful of rubberbands, or marti gras necklaces in Christmas colors. I woke up while I was still packing.

I feel like there was another dream in the middle of all of that in which my girlfriend and her new dog were at my grandparents' house, trying to introduce him to my dog, only I drifted off and had a dream about a house in a puzzle I'm working on. But I don't remember anything else about that.

Good Decisions

Well, my latest attempt to raise my Xyrem dose has (not surprisingly) backfired. I only raised it one little increment on one of the three doses, and it did help me sleep for about a week. But then I got my usual side effects back- anxiety and lack of appetite- and had to lower it again. It's made me uptight and tense, so it was a relief to wake up this morning feeling a little bit back to normal. I'm pretty cheerful today.

I'm so glad that I went ahead and dropped two of my classes. I've had a chance to rest and after a couple of weeks of falling behind I'm actually ahead in my one remaining class. I'm also no longer finding it hard to keep things clean, I have the energy to make myself food again and I haven't missed a single walk with my dog. Since regaining the energy to take care of my daily life was the point of dropping classes, I think it's been worth it.

At the same time, as I get ready to leave the school, I've been a little sad about it. I've had a good time there and learned a lot of very useful information. Part of me does want to finish this degree, but I know it doesn't make sense practically. Last March, I was taking four intense classes- two of them with the hardest drawing instructor in the school- and easily taking the stairs up to the fifth floor almost every day. Yesterday I went to school to sort through some photos and print some things out. I was there for maybe two hours- more like one and a half- and I needed a nap by the end. One of the elevators was broken, so it was a long wait for the other one. I took the stairs up to the fifth floor for the first time in months. It took all that I had- I leaned heavily on the handrail and went very slowly. It really impressed on me how much worse I've gotten, and I have no way of knowing when I'm going to get feeling better. That's why I need to leave the school, because I just don't have the energy anymore.

I wish I could say for sure that I'll be coming back. But the reality is that it could be years before I'm really able to, and by then life might have taken me somewhere else. Or it could be just one quarter that I'm gone, who knows. We'll just have to see.

Lunchbox Cult

I had a pretty disturbing dream last night. It was basically about me joining a cult. I don't really remember how it started; I think it was my girlfriend who took me to this meeting in a high school classroom where this really charismatic cult leader guy was trying to recruit people. We were really late, so I didn't get most of what they were talking about, but I figured it was probably all fake anyway. We ended up staying after a few minutes to talk to the leader guy, who I thought at the time was pretty sketchy. It was a little bit weird.

We went home and I was talking to my girlfriend on the phone (apparently we lived in seperate places) when I got a call from the cult leader, inviting me to a meeting at the high school late that night. This time I went without my girlfriend.

We were all sitting in a classroom, crammed into high school desks, with the leader writing diagrams on the blackboard. At first I thought the whole thing was pretty weird, but then we all got these gift bags with really random stuff in them that apparently had to do with the cult, like robes we were supposed to wear and a complicated set of lunchboxes with compartments for everything. I thought this was really cool, apparently, and decided to at least give the cult a chance (you know me, easily swayed by... fancy lunchboxes? XD).

Then he went on to talk about the various beliefs the cult had, including this method of talking to spirits and ghosts, which it turned out I was really good at. The information all seemed to be disjointed and not make any sense, but somehow I understood it and I was thoroughly convinced. By the end of the meeting I was feeling really weird- really happy, but kind of drugged, and I couldn't for the life of me remember if he had given us anything to eat or drink. I was having trouble understanding a survey one of the higher up people was trying to give me about the meeting. I paid seven dollars to join the cult, in cash, in the form of a $4 bill, a $2 bill and a $1 bill. Then I woke up, vaguely disturbed. o.O

Interesting Stairs House

Last night I had a dream about an interesting house, and it was funny because it relates completely to stuff I've been thinking about.

It started out that I was at this tiny theater to watch a musical that one of my close friends (who I needed to email in real life) was directing. I sat down and it started, with a couple of characters emerging suddenly from behind a tree that had at first looked like it was painted onto the background. I thought this was really clever, but then the play turned out to be pretty bad, and most of the audience left. I ended up talking to my friend instead and telling her everything I had planned to email her about.

Then the dream changed and I was walking around this massive house with my dad. He was helping me apartment hunt so I could have some good options to show my girlfriend when she came to visit. The place had a lot of stairs, which I had reservations about, but it was pretty cool all the same. You entered the front doors, which were massive, dark carved wooden double doors, and there was a small entry room with a closet and a flight of stairs going up, with a beautiful carved wooden banister and aged but gleaming wooden steps. Up those stairs was a small sitting room, like a miniature living room, with more stairs going up. On the next landing there were two hallways going left and right. One hallway had the master bedroom and no less than four other bedrooms, obviously intended for kids by the paint colors, all off the hallway and right next to each other, sharing one bathroom. I thought at the time that this setup was pretty weird, with the parents and kids right on top of each other. This floor was carpeted in a soft blue-green carpet.

Down the other hallway was a tiny office space and a closed door. When I opened this door, I found myself looking into a massively gigantic room. It was carpeted like the bedrooms and looked identical, except that it was multiple thousand square feet by itself. The ceiling was pretty standard height but the room continued on so far that it was difficult to make out the opposite wall. I remember wondering what on earth you would use a room that big for.

Back on the landing, I went up another flight of stairs to find a couple more office-like spaces, with wood floors this time. Up more stairs took me to the top floor of the house. It was massive. There was a huge kitchen behind metal doors, looking like it belonged in a restaurant with steel countertops and huge amounts of workspace, plus a big walk-in freezer. Next to the kitchen was a small area with a few tables next to the stairs. Through another door was a massive room like the interior of a restaurant, with tons of tables set with napkins, silverware, candles and even menus. Beyond that I could see an empty area like a ballroom. The carpet up here was a rich shade of red and the whole place looked pretty classy.

I followed my dad back down to the front door, exhausted from climbing the stairs and seriously wondering why I was considering this house. I really liked it and thought it was cool, though I was trying to figure out what on earth we were going to use the restaurant and random huge room for. Plus I knew I didn't want a kitchen upstairs from my bedroom like in my parents' house. I resolved to discuss it with my girlfriend and then suddenly woke up, really amused.

I'm already feeling physically better and I only just dropped classes yesterday, so I'm sure now that I did the right thing. Plus my parents have agreed, more or less, to give me space on the health stuff. We'll see how long that lasts.

Dropping

Today I went up to my school and dropped two of my three classes. I was stressed out all morning, dreading it. It was pretty quick and easy, but I still feel really guilty about it for some reason.

It's not that I think I'm not doing the right thing. I already feel a lot less stressed out knowing that I just have one class to keep up with now. It really was too much and there's no doubt about that. It's just hard for me to let go sometimes, especially when I'm doing well in a class despite everything. Plus I'm a little worried I'm going to get crap for it or something, which is silly because I do have the best reasons ever.

I still have to sort out not coming back next quarter, but fortunately it turns out I can do it any time between now and the end of the quarter. That gives me a little bit more time to recover before I tackle the next hurdle.

I have been talking to my parents about it, and they reacted more or less exactly how I predicted, with my mom freaking out and resistant at first, but then getting it after a lot of explanation, and my dad taking it in stride. My parental drama now has to do with how worried they are about the state of my health.

It's not surprising. I mean, they really care about me and sincerely want me to feel better, and I do appreciate that- a lot. But it can be stifling- they want to direct everything, and get more involved than I really want them to be. Part of it probably comes from living with them still. Right now I'm just trying to get myself a little bit of space, and do some recovering before I go back to my neurologist. My parents wanted me to make an appointment as soon as possible, but I think that's rushing things. I want to see what effect, if any, not having classes to get to and get through and stress out about has on my health first. I really think I'll get feeling better in the next couple of weeks without doctor intervention. Also, I need my slightly raised Xyrem dose to settle out so I can tell if it helps or my side effects come back. Basically they want to rush over there and start interrogating my doctor about how we're going to fix me, and I just want to coast along and see how I feel. I think my parents still have this idea of a healthy me that may never actually happen. I have Narcolepsy, and I know that I may always have this interfering with my life. I'm okay with that at this point- I'm beginning to accept the idea of making the most of the situation instead of trying to live as if I don't have a chronic condition. I think my parents aren't quite there yet.

I'm really really grateful for their support and how much they care. But I'm also glad that my girlfriend agrees with me and supports my view of the situation. I might have mentioned that I have the best person in the universe as my girlfriend, so it's thoroughly unfair to compare my parents to her. It does mean that in the future life will most likely involve less freaking out, at least about this stuff, which is something I'm very happy about.

Going Domestic

It's finally time to reveal my latest life plan. To be honest, it surprises me a bit. But then again, life is surprising and it likes to change your path in ways you never expected. I suppose that's something I've been learning through my last eight attempts at planning the future, lol.

As you know if you've been reading about my life for some reason, my Narcolepsy has been really kicking my ass lately. For over a year I've been working on an Animation degree at the local art institute, but as my energy level has been plummeting the last couple of months I've been rethinking things. I dropped from four classes to three two quarters ago out of necessity and now I'm struggling to stay afloat with just the three (and they're easier). When I started this degree (my second bachelor's) a year ago, my intention was to use it to get a full time studio job because the field of animation is just such a good fit for me personality-wise. If I were going to work full time, that would be the job for me. And I've really enjoyed my classes, don't get me wrong. It's been a blast and I've learned a ton about a lot of art-related fields, as well as some useful practical skills. But things have changed. I've gone downhill far enough to really put full time work out of reach. For awhile I just assumed I would switch to trying to work part time eventually, but right now that, too, has become unrealistic. So there goes the main reason I was pursuing another degree.

Meanwhile, I'm starting to realize that taking these classes has begun to interfere with taking care of myself. While I'm still enjoying them, I've been really stressed out because I'm barely keeping up with the work. Having a class on a day tends to kill it- by the time I drive over there, try to concentrate for four hours and drive home, that's my entire day's worth of energy gone. I'm finding it difficult to keep things clean around the house or cook something other than a frozen dinner on those days. Most of my class days- three days a week- my dog doesn't get his second walk. And basically I'm tired of skimping on the important dog and health aspects of my life in order to finish an extra degree.

But there is the really good addition to my life right now, namely the fact that I'm dating my best friend in the world, who actually gets all of this stuff. We're planning to move in together over the summer, and her take on the situation was that as she's going to be busy and full-time employed with a steady job that's likely to always be in demand, she can support me financially. I could take care of the animals and the apartment and help her to stay organized (which she desperately needs help with), and run the errands and work on my art, and that will be my full-time job. I think this idea is brilliant because for once I feel like it's something I could actually physically manage, even with Narcolepsy breathing down my neck. It also aligns more closely with my own personal values than any hypothetical careers I've tried to come up with in the past. Taking care of her and our environment and pets sounds wonderful to me. And you know, if I start feeling better I can always add more. If my art becomes something good I could pursue that, maybe even make some money on the side, but I wouldn't be in the predicament of needing to produce it fast enough to support myself. Also, I can be on her health insurance, which solves that looming problem.

I'm anticipating some resistance from the parents on this latest occupation idea, however. I tried to feel my mom out on the idea of not finishing my Animation degree, and she has the opinion that if I'm not in school or working this means I'm going to be bored or unhappy. Now, this makes sense, because that's how she would feel without school or a job, which is why she's worked right through periods of her own bad health. But I think I'll be fine. I'm pretty zen. I can slow down and actually be happier that way.

I think my dad will be resistant just because he really likes making money, has a ton of energy, and has trouble seeing things from other points of view. I had a really good conversation with him last week about how my health is right now, so I'm hopeful he'll understand that aspect of it. But he's always had this image of successful career-woman me in his head that I've been bumping up against my entire life.

What I think is interesting about this situation is that if I had a serious boyfriend instead of a serious girlfriend no one would so much as blink- this is Texas after all. And if it was fifty years ago this novel, out-there idea of being my spouse's housewife would have been a given. But it is here and it is now, and this will be interesting.

A Good Cry

Sometimes you just need a good cry.

Every time I've tried to talk to anyone about my health lately I've ended up in tears before I can even really say anything. I'm in a pretty bad place with Narcolepsy right now. I've been going downhill for months and my neurologist is basically out of ideas, which makes me feel pretty helpless. I'm having more and more trouble doing the work for my increasingly fewer classes and I'm sleeping worse as the nights go on. I feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle and losing ground every day. To say I'm scared would be an understatement.

At the same time my life is changing for the better. I've been able to make plans to move out of my parents house (which I was seriously worried I would still be living in at the age of 35) to start a life with my girlfriend (who we have already established is the best person ever). It's such a wonderful emotional thing, and my health is such a terrible emotional thing that between the two I've felt like I've been on an emotional rollercoaster all day.

I talked to my mom this morning and my dad when he got home from work. Both parents are ecstatic about the plans and worried about the health. I had a heart to heart with my dad on the way home from dinner about how bad my Narcolepsy is getting and how helpless I feel in the face of it. When we got home he gave me the tightest hug in a long time and told me he loves me. I was already crying, but I lost it even more because I'm so damned lucky to have the parents that I have. I headed straight for the shower and cried my eyes out for awhile. I actually let all my feelings about my health come out for once; most of the time I shove the panic down and try to ignore it, to pretend like I can handle this.

My inner therapist is telling me that I need to learn to accept the lack of control. I think that's one of the major things I can learn from this illness... that I need to let things happen sometimes instead of getting caught up in frustration and disappointment when I can't change how I feel. But I'm so not there yet. At least the people around me are the best people in the world, and because of that I know everything will turn out okay.

I Already Forgot My Clever Title For This Entry

I've been having a pretty trippy week. I'm still doing a lot more intense dreaming than usual and it's taking its toll on my energy level.

Yesterday I woke up from a really bloody and gorey dream in which I was this girl in a family that was heavily involved in organized crime. I didn't look anything like me; I had very dark hair and so did the rest of my dream family. A lot of them were these big burly thugs like you see in movies. I forget what the latest crime plot was, but most of the dream took place at this party that was outside in a rural, forested place. It was daylight but overcast and a little spooky. At one point I discovered that there was an undercover FBI agent at the party and decided (for reasons I don't remember) to help him out. I was terrified of my brothers finding out what I was doing. Someone figured out who the agent was and I was helping him escape; we were being chased and I had to lead him through the back of our sprawling, mansion-like house. There was lots of gunfire and blood and the whole thing was pretty disturbing, but he got away and I hid in a bathroom so no one would know I had been involved.

I actually had some energy to start with yesterday, which was good because photographing stuff takes it out of me. I got my first photo idea all set up when my memory card claimed to be out of space, which made no sense because I was careful to delete everything off of it last time I was downloading things. I ended up having to go buy another one.

Leaving the house always lays me out, but there's an office supply place really close to my neighborhood so I figured if I just went there they would have it. Wrong. I drove over there to find that they didn't have anything like what I needed and by the time I got back (all of five minutes later) I was so exhausted I had to lay down.

I figured a nap and some lunch would give me the energy I needed to go to the slightly further away office supply place. Well, by the time I got back from there (and a quick grocery stop because I had discovered when I tried to make lunch that I was almost completely out of food) it was 2 PM and I was pretty much dead in the water.

I was determined to get some homework done, so I took a couple of shots in my room. Then I dragged myself upstairs and spent the rest of the day on the couch or in bed. That's the earliest I've crashed in awhile.

And today I don't feel much better. I was reading Harry Potter again last night and dreamed that I was Harry and had to hide from Voldemort, who could suddenly read my mind, so if I made the mistake of thinking about where I was he would appear and I would have to escape over and over. I ended up some really weird places, like a carnival with giant brightly colored rides, a small log cabin in the woods, a big theater in a high school, etc etc, with various other characters mixed in. At least it wasn't particularly disturbing.

Here's to hoping that today isn't a repeat of yesterday, even though I'm already dragging...

Getting Exercise

Today I had a day pretty much off from class things, having been especially responsible about getting things done last week (or it might have been the caffeine, haha). So when I got up this morning I decided to catch up on some cleaning. When I'm as focused on getting through college (again) as I've had to be lately with my health going downhill, things fall by the wayside around my part of the house. I'm only responsible for my small bedroom and the downstairs bathroom but it still has to get pretty bad before I do anything about it. Now, we are talking about my grew-up-with-a-total-neatfreak version of bad, so I'm sure there are many worse bathrooms out there. But it was seriously starting to bother me. Besides that, dust has been building up in my room again so I figured I would tackle that afterwards.

I figured I'd just do my cleaning in the morning, so after I ate breakfast I got out all the bathroom cleaning stuff to drag back downstairs. Then I got to work. It took me awhile because I had to figure it out- it had been awhile since I'd done more than the vanity and with my terrible memory I had forgotten exactly how to clean everything. By the time I finished the bathroom was gleaming and I was overdue for a nap. I decided to take the dog outside first.

I got out there to find myself facing another accidental nap on the porch and just went straight back inside. I took an hour-long nap and was still tired after that. I definitely abandoned the idea of dusting.

I tend to forget how much cleaning takes it out of me. If you think about it though, if you're doing a good job it is pretty serious exercise, though it isn't valued as such. It does involve a whole lot of moving around, getting down on your knees and using muscles you aren't really used to using. I can remember countless times pre-diagnosis when I would try to do just a little bit of cleaning and end up completely flattened. I used to be very confused as to why it was so exhausting. Sweeping especially kills me- all that standing up nonsense. How dare I think about walking around like that, moving my arms, haha. It's too much physical work, so I leave it to my dad. At least these days I usually remember to save the cleaning I do have to do for days when I don't have anything else.

Festive Music

Halloween has always been my favorite holiday. Something about getting to dress up like an animal and having it be not weird, most likely. It's been several years since my last trick-or-treating expedition- I eventually admitted to having grown out of it, and when you can't eat the candy anymore (because there's soy or gluten in pretty much all of it) it kind of loses its purpose.

The other side of Halloween- the horror film, blood and gore, scary music, dead rotting people side- has never been something I've enjoyed. I think it has to do with the fact that these things tend to show up in my dreams, which are creepy enough to begin with without any encouragement, thanks. I could write horror films by simply recording my nightmares back before Xyrem. Also, being afraid has never been something I enjoy, even though I know people who actually like it. The weirdos.

All this week I've been watching tv- with all the horror movie previews- and I've ended up coming across the usual stupid fake skeletons in people's yards a lot. At the same time I've been sleeping steadily worse every night this week. So of course last night there were creepy rotting people all the heck over my dreams, and I kept brushing up against them on accident and feeling them- at one point I was swimming in an inky black cave that was completely underwater, and they were all over the floor, and there was a current in there that kept me from easily swimming out. It was a tiny part of a whole lot of complete nonsense that lasted all night, and besides that mostly wasn't creepy. But I woke up dead tired because I had spent all night in REMland instead of getting actual rest. I didn't dare try to sleep in because I knew it would just be more crazy dreams, so I ended up taking a nap right after breakfast instead. It took caffeine to get me through my class okay.

So I get to my class in the afternoon. It's Introduction to Audio, so it's basically about music. So of course our instructor thinks it would be really awesome to play us some creepy music so we can talk about what makes it creepy.

As soon as he announced this I started to tense up. The last time I got talked into watching a horror movie it was the music that really kicked my ass. I was creeped out for months after that. So even without the visual I knew I was pretty much screwed. Still, it didn't occur to me to just leave. I can be stubborn about these things in kind of a bad way.

From the first note of squealy, screechy music I was totally freaked out. And as I was expecting, even after it was turned off, it kept playing in my head. On the way home I blasted bad pop music, but when I got home and turned off the car it was back, screeching away in my brain where I couldn't escape from it. It took lots of happy music and watching Kung Fu Panda to finally get it out of there. So I went upstairs, feeling the inner peace and totally doing fine again.

I'm sitting next to the tv (with it off) eating dinner when my dad comes home and sits down. He turns on the tv, and there's the music again, in a stupid preview for yet another new horror flick. I ask him to mute it. He doesn't hear me. I ask him again. I finally yelled, and he heard me and muted it, looking like I was totally weird for being that insistent. And then he ends up watching this spoof horror movie- probably one of the Scary Movies- and it has the same damn music. I was so out of there. I grabbed my dog and ran for it. When I got downstairs I was shaking.

I decided I needed out of the house. So I got my dog leashed up and we went for a walk. As soon as we got outside I felt better. It's a cool, clear evening, and the moon is beautiful tonight. Walking down the street, looking up at it, I remembered why I like Halloween so much. There's nothing quite like walking around after dark under such a nice moon.

Professional Porch Napping

This morning I actually slept okay for the first time in awhile. I had a cool dream in which I was travelling around inside a vast dormlike place via subway trains and buses, hanging out with two of my close high school friends. It occasionally made itself frustrating, but for the most part was a good dream. And after that I actually slept as far as I could tell when I woke up later than usual, feeling somewhat refreshed (or at least less run over than the rest of the week).

So I figured, since we were going to have a substitute in my class today and therefore it would most likely be shorter than usual, that today wouldn't be so bad. Maybe I could get away with two naps instead of like five, and by the time 7 PM came around I wouldn't be ready to keel over and give up on that staying awake nonsense.

Well, driving to class actually wasn't that hard for once, as I felt like I could pay attention without having to focus every ounce of brainpower on it. Class was fine for about the first half hour, and sleeping during the twenty minute break did help, though I got weird looks from my classmates again. But by the end of the three hour class I was pretty dead. Driving home was difficult and when I had finally pulled up safely into our driveway I just sat in my car for a few minutes, summoning the energy to open the door and get out.

I decided it would be a good idea to let my dog out into the yard for a few minutes and then take a good solid nap. My body decided, however, that that wasn't going to be soon enough. And I ended up falling asleep sitting on the front porch. It was at least ten minutes of nap and it was definitely not planned. I was aware for most of it, so it's not like I was completely out, but that was my first accidental nap in awhile. Though I still think it's kind of funny (add that to my entertaining list of strange places I've taken a nap) it really just highlights the trend I've been experiencing lately. The not so great for any future plans I might have trend.

At this point I'm starting to doubt everything I had thought about before- about how animation is really something that would suit me as a career. It's not that I don't like it or that I'm not good at it, but it requires energy. Which I don't have. And I really don't know what to do about this as my lack of energy seems to be getting alarmingly worse. My doctor is out of medications to add at this point, after the Ritalin made me depressed, and I'm pretty sure he's as frustrated as I am with the situation. We can't increase the Xyrem either; we tried and my side effects came back, and besides that my stomach can't really handle it anyway.

So right now I'm in a pretty angsty state of mind. I keep having to cut back on my daily activities in order to avoid completely flattening myself for days at a time, but every time I think I'm done cutting stuff out of my life I end up having to cancel more. I'm sick to death of being in this house, but leaving it takes more energy than I have to spare most of the time. I keep trying to decide what to do with my life, but everything I want to do takes more energy than I have, so I find myself stuck without plans at all. I just don't know what I'm going to do.

Every Time is Naptime!

Well, the day after my failed Ritalin experiment was awesome. It was like night and day, haha. I still had my usual amount of no energy, but it was so much better than the day before that I felt like I was doing great. I'm really glad the depression wore off so fast. It was also nice because the weather was awesome for my photography homework.

A couple of days later, though, and I'm back to the every time is naptime routine. On Friday my mom was home, and since she had lots of errands to run I went with her. It worked out really well, actually, because we would chat about stuff as she drove, then when we got somewhere she left me in the car to nap while she went in. So I didn't get too tired and so got a lot done, haha. There were a couple of parking lots where I felt kind of self-conscious sleeping. I mean, it's not like we were in a bad part of town or something, but it is kind of weird to be napping in your car, especially when you're pretty obviously over the age of 10. Luckily I've now officially mastered the ability to nap while still aware of my surroundings, so it wasn't unsafe. I bet I confused some random passersby, though, haha.

Speaking of confusing people, lol, last week in my photography class another student kept questioning me on why I take naps during every break. That class is pretty intense, so in order to get through the entire four hours without missing half the information I have to put my head down when I can. He kept questioning until I finally just told him that I'm really tired all the time. I don't like pulling out the word Narcolepsy. Either people think it's something it's not or they've never heard of it. I know I'm not helping to educate people and spread the word, but it's a pretty personal thing to me and I'd really rather not spread it around that I have this disabling illness. It's like, too much information to people I don't know. Plus there's the fact that I'm just too damn tired to explain all this crap. So I brush them off instead and let them wonder why I'm constantly napping.

Today I've taken two significant naps (more than five minutes, haha) already, but I think it's time for one more. Otherwise walking the dog will turn into napping while walking the dog, which is probably something that I should avoid.

And That Would Be a No

I took Ritalin this morning, and at first it seemed like it was going to work. I was more awake, but then I got really really tired. As in worse than the usual Narcolepsy thing. I've been on the couch all day, dead tired, a little depressed and completely lacking motivation to try to do anything. I was excited about doing my photography homework this morning, but now I'm pretty sure it's not going to happen today, which is bad because if it rains tomorrow I could end up with hardly anything to turn in.

Mainly I'm just really frustrated. I planned carefully this week just in case something like this happened so I could still get by anyway, but it still sucks when the experiment doesn't work out, the small amount of hope you had allowed to build up gets dashed and you're back to square one. I'm definitely not taking this tomorrow, and I'll probably just call my doctor on Monday and see if he'll prescribe a different one. Then Thursday can be another experiment. I wonder if any of them will end up working out.

Oh well. Back to the endless napping.

Photography Homework

Last night I dreamed I was working on my photography assignment. I really do have one to do over the next two days, and yeterday I was having trouble thinking of things to photograph because I used most of my good ideas up last week, haha. But in my dream I was having no trouble coming up with lots of crazy but awesome ideas. I kept waking up enough to jot suggestions down in my notes. In the dream I got so preoccupied by setting up cool ideas that it got dark before I had time to actually photograph anything. Plus people kept getting in my way. A friend I haven't spoken to in awhile was at my house, trying to do a puzzle with her eyes closed. She wouldn't even open her eyes while I was trying to get around the giant table she was working on. My dad kept following me around distracting me by asking me to do other things. There were a bunch of other people wandering around too. It was a pretty interesting dream, and when I woke up I jotted down a couple more ideas for my homework. Then I looked at the list. It was hilarious because half of the stuff involved parts of the house in the dream that don't exist in real life. I can't get on this house's roof, for example, and we definitely don't have a waterfall in our front yard, even though that would be awesome. There were still some ideas I can use though, if it stops raining. It was also nice to have such a coherent dream again as they've been disjointed lately.

Today I'm starting Ritalin. We'll see how that goes.

Even More Drugs!!

I haven't been sleeping very well for about a week now. I had three or four mornings in a row where I woke up paralyzed after almost-nightmares, which had not been happening more than once every month or two before. After going back to sleep it's been whacky dreams and then I wake up early, feeling exhausted. Yesterday morning I was feeling okay- I actually slept some after my third dose- but by the afternoon I was more exhausted than I've been since the failed Nuvigil experiment. And this morning I'm way out of it and zoning out.

So I called my doctor. He wants me to try Adderal or Ritalin as a last resort of sorts since I'm really struggling to stay awake at this point, even though they could make me lose weight- which would be a very bad thing for me. But we've both decided that it's worth a try at this point since I can't take Nuvigil. I'm having a really hard time keeping up with my classes, which don't even have that much work.

So it's more drugs for me. I wanted to go pick whichever one he gives me up at the local pharmacy, but apparently you either have to pick them up from the sleep center or have them mailed to your house. I decided I'd rather wait a couple days for it to arrive here than drive for half an hour to pick it up. Yes, I am that tired.

In the meantime I just have to hang in there and try to get everything done. I really like my digital photography class, but it's hard because going around with a camera and snapping pictures from all sorts of angles is really exhausting. I managed to do this last assignment around my house, which was lucky because I only had the camera for a day and had to rest a lot. I'm a little worried that this week I'll have to go farther afield. At least nothing this quarter is really difficult so far.

Saturday Class

Last night I dreamed about going to class today. Oddly enough, this quarter I really do have a class on Saturday, and it's no mystery why I dreamed about it because I've been dreading it all week. It's not that the class is all that bad. It's just Saturday. I mean, come on. I ended up stuck with it because I forgot to register until after the good times were taken.

In the dream I was sitting in class and getting very annoyed at the instructor. In real life he's very pompous and it's difficult not to roll my eyes at him, so this kind of made sense. So I got this fluffy blanket out of my backpack and put it over my head. Then I got out my ipod and was listening to the usual bad pop music. I also somehow had a cup of hot tea I was sipping. No one around me seemed to notice, even when I started singing along loudly, hahaha. Eventually I decided to poke my head out and see what was going on.

The prof was writing something in code on the board. Apparently he had just explained what it meant, but I hadn't been paying attention and had missed that part. He started calling on random people to answer questions that I didn't even understand. He called on me and I felt pretty guilty for getting distracted and not being able to answer. Then I woke up into another dream in which I told all these people about the dream I just had, lol.

It was pretty funny because even when I don't really like a class I always pay attention and get as much out of it as possible, even on a Saturday, and I definitely don't sing loudly in class. XD

Flying Solo

So today was my first day with no parents around. I'd like to say that it went well... except that it didn't.

Well, okay, so I didn't crash the car yet or anything. I still have all of my limbs intact even if they tend to have a mind of their own. The house is also, in fact, not burned down. So far so good?

I had a short class today, and I planned on going to the grocery store because- and this is a pretty good reason- I was literally out of food. And I can't exactly head for the Taco Bell, haha. So I decided yesterday that I would just go after my class.

After class I wasn't too tired because of a couple of strategic naps. So far so good, I thought as I drove out of the parking garage. But that's pretty much where that thought ended. First off, it started raining pretty hard. And then I managed to turn too early and had to backtrack. When I did get to the grocery store it was pouring and it was busy so I couldn't even park nearer the door. I got to the line with my food and realized I had forgotten something, so I ran down an aisle to get it. Big mistake. The running was the last straw. When I got back to the cashier I was completely drained. I didn't even run very far or fast, but it was still too much. The guy tried to make conversation while he was checking me out, but I just brushed him off and leaned on the counter and tried to muster the energy to get out to my car.

Of course while I was in there it had started raining even harder. I got soaked loading up my groceries. I sat down in the driver's seat and shut my eyes for a minute. But I knew I had groceries and even though it was raining it was hot, so I had to get everything home.

When I pulled up in my driveway I found that my dad had left his car in the garage, meaning I would have to unload everything in the rain. It was coming down harder than ever now that I really needed it to stop. I got wet and so did everything else, and my car alarm kept going off because it thought I had accidentally left the trunk open when actually I just had to carry each bag one at a time with both hands just to lift it at all. I pulled the bags into the house and shut the door. I leaned against the wall to catch my breath.

One of the things I really hate about this house is the fact that the kitchen is upstairs. I hate stairs. I dragged my three bags over to the stairwell and looked up.

I seriously felt like I was in The Lord of the Rings, during that part in Fellowship where Frodo is looking down the road and they use that really creepy camera thing where it's backing up and focusing at the same time, and the path looks really ominous. I looked up those stairs and wondered what I had been thinking, doing my grocery trip with no one to help me. Between the driving and class and shopping and driving... I wasn't sure if I had it in me to carry them that one last stage.

I ended up doing it both hands, one bag and a couple steps at a time. I'm going to pay for this tomorrow, but I was damned if I was going to let anything melt after getting it through all that rain. Then I spent the rest of the day on the couch recovering. I'll still be feeling this tomorrow, but at least I now have food.

Back to... Normal

After my bad reaction to Nuvigil, it took me a couple of days to get back to normal. It was interesting because I was still more awake than usual even the second day I was off of it. But of course it couldn't last, and now I'm back to dragging myself through even the easiest chores.

Luckily this quarter it looks like my classes won't have difficult homework. It all seems like it'll be pretty easy to accomplish, and even with all the resting I might be able to do a good job on my assignments. That said, I'm a little worried about the next short while because both parents will be gone on seperate trips.

Looking back a couple of months I think it's pretty funny how much my attitude towards my parents leaving has changed. Every little thing when they were home used to bug me. As I've been feeling worse, though, I've been relying on them a lot more. Since driving has gotten more nerve-wracking I've been avoiding it by hitching rides with a parent to run errands, or asking one to get me something while they're at whatever store anyway. Also, both of them being gone means all the little chores around the house become things I have to remember to do. And when I'm this damned tired every little extra thing is a problem- every extra step is. When I was doing better over the summer, I was really happy to have the house to myself. Now I think I'd rather have them around, not just for the errands, but because I'm feeling so lousy that I don't leave the house very much anymore. And it's pretty lonely with no one around, because as much as I like my dog he doesn't talk much.

My neurologist said the only thing left for me to try (in an attempt to keep me awake) are stimulants. We haven't tried them before now because weight loss can be a side effect, and that would be really bad for me. I'm still underweight even though I've finally gained back a few pounds. I'm starting to think it might be worth doing, however. And I have a feeling that this time next week I will have gotten fed up and called him back.