Wedding Plans: A Disaster Movie

As I might have mentioned I've been planning (or attempting to plan) my wedding since we decided on a date around November. Since then, the universe has been doing its best to foil everything, to the point where it's seriously getting comical. XD

Well, from the start, as a legally gay couple, we can't have the thing in whatever state. All the states where our families live don't have legal gay marriage, though at least Illinois will recognize it as a civil union after some other state does the dirty work. Not that that does us a lot of good yet. Fortunately, Iowa is allowing it at least for now, much to everyone's surprise. No offense to Iowa, but it isn't the first place you think of when you think of inclusive rights. It's like, the first place you think of when you think of corn fields, pig barns and windmills. But who am I to complain. We even were living there when we started planning, and thought we would be for several years. Plenty of time to get married and enjoy the legitimacy, official status and things like me being on my transman's insurance even before he gets surgery. So we set a date, now only a couple of weeks away, excited to become bound together for life officially.

We had the thing mostly done after a few months when we hit a snag and decided to switch parks because of various constraints on what we could put up and rent at our original park. And, me being me, the lack of bathroom there posed a problem. We had figured out everything else except our hotel and the flowers. So we went down to the area we had chosen (the only place my relatives could easily fly into from Texas) and chose a better park we liked even more. We loved this park; everything about it was perfect. It was private, allowed our dogs, had a great pavilion with the perfect seating, and a deck onto the Missouri River (I have a thing for water). So we booked it, even more excited then before. While there we found a great P.F. Chang's for the rehearsal dinner (a restaurant famous for gluten-free options- If you're a Celiac and like Chinese food, GO THERE). We returned to our home in Iowa, pleased with ourselves.

By then we knew that we were moving back to Wisconsin for an indefinite period of time to live with my fiance's parents again. Both J and the school he was teaching at decided separately that he wouldn't be continuing with them next year. We applied all over the country for a new teaching position, but then everything changed when we realized J is going to go through gender transition this next year. After all, the public school system isn't really the best place to do that. Still, the wedding was on, mostly planned and going to be in Iowa whether we lived there anymore or not because it's the only state in the Midwest where we could do it.

And that was when all the flooding began. You've probably seen it on the news. The Missouri is closing roads and chasing people out of their homes, and because of where our perfect park was, it was the first thing to be underwater. We got an email from the county park people right after the flooding began. Frustrated, we started looking for somewhere else to have it.

It took us awhile to give up on having it outside, then awhile longer to give up having it on the Iowa side of the river. Meanwhile we were moving and I was coming down with mono. Everything was up in the air for awhile. Then J's older brother called us to tell us about a really nice indoor place in Omaha, complete with art gallery and Asian theme, that was full of natural light. We really liked it, and decided it was worth having our wedding ceremony happen across the river from the official paperwork. Relieved, we booked it and agreed to have two ceremonies: one five minute legal one and then one for our guests.

And then I got really sick and went to the doctor to discover that I have mono. I got put on lots of meds and spent the last week in bed, slowly starting to feel human again. Unfortunately, it was basically guaranteed that J caught it from me because we share glasses and other dishes (and make out >.>) all the time. Oh great, we thought. I'm almost through the worst of it and will most likely be totally fine by the wedding, but he's just starting to show fatigue. And that means, unless we're extremely lucky, he's going to be sick on the 9th. As a virus it could last any lengthy of time and all you can do to speed up healing is lie down a lot. But you also never know; he's very healthy most of the time, so fatigue might be all he gets. And because we don't know for sure, we don't want to cancel after all we've done getting the thing planned (not to mention all of our guests having bought their plane tickets).

So we're thinking, okay, so what else could go wrong? Volcanoes? A lightning strike right on the place we chose, instantly vaporizing it? I even put a joke in my mass email about it. Then we start hearing about nuclear reactors getting flooded upriver. Even I didn't see that one coming. Nuclear reactors? Really? So I asked my dad, who has worked in them before, if we should be worried about this because my mother-in-law is freaking out. He says that no, they were able to shut them down and therefore people in the area aren't in any danger. So I'm like, cool. At least my wedding won't give anyone radiation poisoning. (What is with all this?? Right?)

And then I start hearing that they might shut down the Omaha Airport. Now, out of all this stuff, that has the potential to kill it. There are only a few people driving and almost everyone is flying in there, including my parents. At least they've said they will drive if their flight gets rerouted, but the other guests I'm not so sure about. It kills me because at this point, I just want to get the damned thing over with so I can stop messing with it. Honestly, I'm not into weddings. I wanted to elope but J and I decided we would have a ceremony so our families could be there. Also, when it hasn't been legal for very long, it's almost a statement saying, look, we may be two women (so we thought at the time anyway) but we're just a normal couple. And we weren't sure how our extended families would react, so it was a way of including them in the process, allowing them to meet each other, and before it got irritatingly complicated, I was starting to actually look forward to it. J is changing his name when I do so it's also a step in his transition.

In other words, I want this to happen, but the world may not. I don't know which would be worse: changing the date to the fall sometime or just doing it in a closer county without any of my family or friends present. I don't want to wait, I don't want to plan another big thing some other time, and I don't want to have to leave it out of reach of my family. All the choices suck.

Now I'm left to wait and see. What happens with the flooding in the next two weeks will most likely determine its fate. I decided I don't want to cancel it all unless the airport closes because that way, people will get their tickets refunded. I'm afraid that if I cancel it short of that I'm going to regret it. So I might be getting married. Or, the world might continue to pretend to be the movie 2012. Fingers crossed is all I can do.

This Ill Feeling Is No Longer Mysterious

As I may have mentioned earlier, my fiance and I have been renting a small house in small town Iowa where my fiance is working. When we first moved into this old little house, we had all sorts of problems. It wasn't too surprising, as the place had been vacant for over a year when we moved in. First, there was the plumbing, which took awhile to get fully functional. Then we had to get the water heater fixed, then before winter set in, the furnace needed help. And after that, miraculously, everything worked for several whole months!

Well, then I kept catching what seemed to be random colds. I was sick with three seemingly different things (complete with their own distinct symptoms) one after another and was totally blaming it on the weather. I mean, the Midwest is famous for immune system-wrenching spikes and drops in temperature this time of year, plus there's allergies to take into account. So I figured (especially as this spring is my first living in this area) that I was just allergic to something.

Then J, my fiance, started getting headaches and feeling crappy. He has an extremely sensitive sense of smell and was complaining that the house smelled funny a couple of days ago. I noticed it a little bit, too. This weekend we got back from a field trip to Sioux Falls (our nearest source of sushi and many other delicious GF things), having been gone all day, to discover our hot water wasn't working. It would flow, but it was cold.

Last time we had this problem, the pilot light on the water heater had gone out. So we go down to the basement to check it and--

We find that our basement is flooded with foul-smelling, tepid water. As in sewage. o.O It was six inches deep, and high enough to have triggered the water heater to shut itself off. Thoroughly grossed out, we had to decide what to do. At J's dad's urging (he works on houses) we decided to take all six of us (two humans, two cats and two dogs) to the nearest motel for a couple of days while our landlord sorts it out.

We called around and found somewhere that would take all of us in last night, and we are so glad we did. J's dad told us that if you can smell it at all, the gases can be making you sick, and I'm now sure that they were. I'm really glad that we're now all out of danger. I already feel so much better after a night of fresh air. I think it was affecting me a lot more than I realized, however faint the strange smell had seemed.

We stopped in to grab a couple of things we forgot in our haste to leave last night, and I ran in to the house myself for about two minutes. That was enough to make me feel sick again until I had been breathing fresh air for awhile. I'm not going back in there at all until the sewage is gone and the basement is bleached.

Well, we'd been saying we needed a vacation, right? XD Not quite what we had in mind...

Itching to Clean

Well, the double cold ended up looking more like the flu- we were both feeling pretty awful for four days each. My girlfriend didn't go back to work until yesterday (she was still recovering even then) and I was still feeling really miserable. Today was my last day of feeling sick I think, or at least the first day I've really felt like I was starting to recover. Mostly today I was just wiped out. I thought I was exhausted before, but getting sick has given me a new perspective on things. I didn't venture down the stairs for several days, and when I did it this morning- to take Noodle outside to go to the bathroom- it completely flattened me. By the afternoon I felt better, and then the challenge was to avoid doing too much. With both of us out of commission since last weekend started, and with four pets up here in addition to us, things have gotten pretty filthy. My girlfriend recovered first, but she's had a lot to do with work, tutoring and pets; besides that she's really not the cleaning type. Now, my girlfriend and I are agreed on one thing- I'm a little bit crazy. I love cleaning. It's not that I'm obsessive about it being clean all the time or something, though if I'm honest with myself I may have inherited a little of that from my dad (who is a total neatfreak). It's more just something that gives me satisfaction, that I enjoy doing and that I think is fun. Yes, I think sweeping is really entertaining, lol. So today it was pretty difficult to keep myself in check. There's a nice layer of fur on the floor everywhere and the surfaces have food gunk or crumbs on them from having our food near us. Things- like books, DVDs, and empty kleenex boxes, have been migrating around the upstairs. I even found an uneaten clementine in a bag somewhere, forgotten because we didn't bring it when we went into the other room a couple days ago. So I let myself move a few things around and sweep a tiny bit in the worst room. I did a few dishes and cleaned a couple of counters and felt much better about life. I was careful, though, and tired quickly as expected. I think I'll end up doing a lot tomorrow- hopefully feeling even better than I did today- and I can start to get caught up. Did I mention the laundry? We've got about six loads at this point, since we were sick when we usually do it.

And here's a dream I've been meaning to record. I got up in the night to take more Xyrem and go use the bathroom. I was at the house I grew up in, which for some reason didn't tip me off- I was convinced it was real life. I get to the bathroom to find that, once again, the toilet is obviously not working. I sigh and decide I'd better use the other bathroom, so I head in that direction. I reach out and open the door. Bright light shines on me and suddenly I see that there's this teenage girl standing on the inside of the door, looking straight at me with this huge smile on her face. I jump about a foot in the air since I wasn't expecting anyone, especially somebody I'd never seen before, to be in there. She starts laughing and I try to laugh it off but I'm pretty creeped out by the whole thing. Her grin is so big that it's stretching her face unnaturally. I figured out it was a dream at that point, and instead of searching for a bathroom I started trying to figure out how to wake up. I just wandered around the house hoping to snap out of it, figuring I would feel different if I actually woke up. Which I did after awhile, very confused about which house I was in, but also quite relieved.

The Double Cold

Last week my girlfriend had a series of epiphanies about herself and teaching and the difficulties she was having in the classroom, which resulted in her feeling much better about life by the time Friday came along. Friday was an inservice day, so she had to show up but didn't have to teach. Instead she spent the day in activities with other teachers, who kept offering her various kinds of sugary food. Neither of us eats much sugar these days- she cooks us super-healthy gluten-free, soy-free, vegetarian dishes every night. So we're both completely unused to sugar and react to it pretty strongly. She only took enough to be polite, but by the time she got home she was feeling pretty awful. That night she started to get a sore throat. We aren't sure if it was connected to the sugar or the walk we took that evening, or if she just caught it from students and would have gotten sick anyway.

She was feeling pretty bad on Saturday while we were running errands, and by the time we got back I had started to feel a little bit under the weather myself. Usually one of us is sick at a time, but by Sunday morning we were a very sad and stuffy couple of people. We've been basically stumbling around ever since, taking care of whatever is needed either together or one at a time, but mostly lying around trying not to get too bored. She stayed home today and I'm glad. Besides wanting her to feel better, it's nice to have company, even when the company is almost as stuffy and gunky as you are. We both have fevers, though mine is worse at this point. We figure she's almost done while I started a little later so I still have awhile of feeling nasty ahead of me. The poor dogs haven't had a walk in days and the place is getting a little gross since the cleaning one- me- has been out of commission. We were surviving on leftovers but tonight she'll have to come up with something. I've decided one at a time is much easier to deal with, even though it's admittedly kind of nice to not suffer alone.

The Hermit Life

Today I had to run an errand. It was a really short errand- seriously, like five minutes away, just returning my rented movies. But it seemed so daunting to me at the time, I almost didn't go do it. The only thing that got me to actually leave the house was the idea of getting some caffeine while I was out, because otherwise I knew I wouldn't be doing anything this afternoon.

It's weird because I can tell that I'm way more tired now than I was even two months ago. At that point I was walking my dog twice a day while doing four classes, and though it was challenging I wasn't struggling. I wasn't having energy issues from going up two flights of stairs either. I had more work than I do right now but I wasn't worried about it because I wasn't needing nearly as much rest. I was getting sick in pretty much the same way, and dealing with medication adjustment issues that I'm not dealing with anymore. So it's not just the fact that I have a virus hanging out in my nose at the moment.

And it's not just the low energy that's bothering me. Today I realized that I was a little depressed again. It took me a couple of hours to figure it out, because it's been awhile since the last time I was depressed. The caffeine took care of it, so I'm fine now, but it weirded me out. I was being all down on myself, which I haven't done since starting Remeron. I've decided not to worry about it unless it happens again in the near future, and to be on the lookout for it. I know that depression is dangerous and that both Xyrem and Remeron have the potential to cause it, so I'm not going to let it sneak up on me again. But it could have just been something I ate, so I'm not going to freak out quite yet.

But the tiredness is definitely worrying. Luckily I have an appointment with my neurologist in a couple of weeks, after the quarter ends. I'm definitely going to talk to him about it. Who knows, maybe he'll have a great idea for something we can try. Or he'll just tell me that it's the Narcolepsy, in which case I'll just keep doing what I'm doing and not worry about it so much. I'm hoping he has some suggestion though. You know you're in trouble when you're staying home 90% of the time from sheer lack of energy. At least the dog likes it.

Health Conversations

Last night I went out to dinner and had a really good, honest conversation with my parents about health things. It really needed to happen. My mom surprised me (in a good way) by ackwnowledging from the start that working a standard job may not be something that I can do. My dad asked me what I'm going to do when his insurance stops covering me in a little over a year, and I told him that I have no idea what my options even are. He agreed to help me figure it out once I'm not quite so stressed out and busy, which would really help me and possibly remove a big chunk of worry that I've had in the back of my mind for awhile. We were also talking about moving to Canada, which started out a joke but ended up as a pretty serious discussion. My mom has been fighting our insurance over her various treatments for things and my dad just got finished reading a book about how much better healthcare is in every other industrialized country, so I guess it wasn't really surprising. Just the thought that they would actually consider moving out of the country to help me is amazing. Wow. So now we're back to being on the same page again, which is really nice.

Today we all went to my ENT so that he could look over my CAT scan. He took one look at each page and told me that surgery won't help me, which is a huge relief. My sinuses are normal and my deviated septum isn't actually blocking anything in. The most suprising thing was that he could tell that what I've been catching aren't actually sinus infections. He questioned me on my symptoms again and said that it sounds like a virus, not a bacterial infection, so that's why the antibiotics were just making me worse. He gave me some tips on how to change my sinus rinse routine so that it might help (can you believe I never thought to really clean the thing?) and suggested I use Claritin or Zyrtec, both of which I've taken in the past without issues. I don't need to go back to him, and I can try to fix this with simple things that don't involve surgery. Thank god.

So that turned out much better than I thought it would. I really appreciate the fact that he wasn't going to do a surgery that I didn't need. And I even get to keep my pretty inside-my-head pictures for posterity. Muahahaha.

Revenge of the Final Projects

I tell you, this quarter is killing me. It's by far the hardest quarter I've had at this particular school. And the funny thing is that at first glance, it seems like it ought to be the easiest. I'm taking three classes, which isn't even full time, and the classes themselves aren't particularly difficult. These classes only happen once a week and usually get out earlier than the alloted time. All three of them don't even necessarily have an assignment due every week- in fact, one class only has two assignments all quarter. We're encouraged to work on our homework in class when there is any, and these classes don't have large time-consuming drawings due like other classes I've had previously. A couple of quarters ago I had four classes, two of which had lots of very time consuming homework (all done at home) and the grading was even a lot stricter. I turned in every assignment on time, did a good job and even had extra time for socializing.

But the big difference is that this quarter I feel like crap. And that's all it takes to completely screw me. My sinus infections are getting closer together, to the point that it's really wrecking my attendence record. But aside from that, I'm just obscenely low on energy right now- the worse it's been in years. So I'd be struggling even without the sinus infection.

You would think I would be really glad that the quarter is ending in two weeks, because it means I at least get a week off before the next one drags me back down again. But the quarter ending soon means that a lot of large things are going to be due. Luckily only one project is due next week, and I've managed to install things so that I can finish it at home. For awhile there I thought I would have to go to the computer labs at school to do it, which would basically mean it wasn't going to happen, or at least would end up pretty crappy. But now that I can do it at home I'm feeling better about pulling that off. I am a little worried about putting off my other projects until that one is done, which may end up happening if don't start feeling a lot better in the next couple of days. I'm not sure I can completely finish both of them in the same week.

Mostly the situation just frustrates me. I'm used to being the good student, who shows up to every single class, pays attention and does really nice work on time. I'm used to not feeling good but managing to do everything anyway, through sheer determination to do things right. So it's hard for me to stay home, to fall behind, and to end up having to turn in something I don't like because I didn't have the energy to create something to my own high standards. And right now I'm finding myself compromising more and more because I just keep feeling worse and having to cut back just to survive. I guess the only thing I can do is keep at it and hope it turns out okay in the end.

Movie Drama

Last night I had a fun dream in which I was taking care of and training various animals. My real dog was there, behaving himself very well and surprising me by not being afraid of my other dogs, of which there was at least one adult and a whole group of young puppies. The puppies spent most of the time asleep in their pen, so they weren't a lot of work, and I was trying to housetrain the older dog. It was actually going pretty well. Then I also had one adult mother cat with a large litter of tiny newborn kittens, who I was keeping in a cage so they wouldn't stray too far from their mom, who was nursing them. Plus there were two older kittens who were smooth and cream-colored and kept getting into things. It was me, all the animals and several relatives hanging out at my grandparents' house, where I was apparently living. Even though it was really fun having so many animals around, it was exhausting trying to keep them all healthy. Eventually I got so tired that I really needed a nap, and I gave up on chasing them all around and fell asleep on the couch with multiple dogs draped over me. When I got up again I found the cats' area in need of cleaning and started to wonder if I really had the energy to take care of everybody.

Today I felt pretty bad. My sinus infection is in full bloom at this point, throwing a wrench into whatever little energy I would have had anyway. It is partially my fault for running errands when I really should have stayed home, but I couldn't pass up an opportunity to rent a lot of movies.

I've been meaning to go rent a few things for awhile now. There was a period of a couple of months awhile ago when a whole bunch of stuff came out that looked really good, and I didn't make it to a single one. And having a bunch of things to watch is really important to me when I'm sick, because it's a good way to bribe myself into resting for long enough to actually feel better. With just the tv I get bored.

Plus I just really like movies. I like sci-fi and fantasy and things blowing up, and really cool creatures (especially dinosaurs). Also anything animated that isn't stupid, like most of the Disney classics and anything vaguely Pixar-like. I'm not into sappy, super-depressing or creepy. I lived inside a continuous horror film every night for six years and I'm just not feeling the need for more. But most movies I do enjoy. So of course I couldn't pass up an easy opportunity to rent a few things to keep me occupied when I need to lay down.

So as soon as we got there I was like a kid in a candy store, running around grabbing things. It took me awhile and I ended up with a lot. All that standing up and walking and focusing stuff completely wore me out, so I was really ready to go when we went up to the counter to pay. I had so much that the cashier wanted to help us out by explaining this complicated deal we could get and so on and so forth, which we did decide to do. And we would also get to rent one more extra movie for free. So I went to go find one more thing.

I was on my last leg at that point. As I walked back to find something else, my head began to swim. I felt almost like I was going to faint. My legs felt like lead and I was having trouble keeping my balance- I kept almost falling over and steadying myself on the shelves. I started to look for a specific movie that I could just grab and go, but I suddenly couldn't remember the alphabet anymore. Then when I thought I had found where it should be, it wasn't there. And I wasn't sure if it was because I had miscalculated the alphabet or if they just didn't have it. That happened again with the next one I tried. Finally I saw something and just took that. On my way back to the counter, the cashier waylayed me and asked if I found what I was looking for. I told her I hadn't but I had something else, and then had to convince her that, no, it wasn't worth looking for my first idea and ended up having to explain to her that I was really sick and just needed to leave. At that she gave in and was really nice about it.

It was relief to get back in the car and sit down. And to not need to drive. But I also felt strange and unsettled about having to confide in a total stranger like that. I don't like to show weakness in front of people I don't know, and I really don't like having to explain my health to anyone. Nowadays it takes people a long time to get through my outer shell, because I've gotten tired of the usual reactions to my illnesses. I've found pretending to be fine to be much easier and a lot less irritating.

But on the plus side she was pretty cute. And now I have a good stack of movies to watch.

I Wish This Was Interesting

Today was a serious case of wanting to accomplish something but being too tired. So instead I watched tv until my eyes hurt from staring at a screen for too long, then read the bad fantasy novel I'm currently working on until I got fed up with the pointless drama and found myself skimming more than reading. And then I played silly games on my iphone for awhile.

Well, I guess I did do something with my day- I went to lunch with my dad and dinner with a friend, so I didn't even have to cook. That was pretty nice. But most of my day was spent lying around wishing I was doing something else. To be fair, I did try to draw a couple of times during the day, but just ended up staring into space and zoning out after a few minutes. Yeah, a sinus infection is definitely in the works.

Even right now I would like to be writing about something interesting, but instead I really need to just go lay down again. So never mind.

It's a Mystery

Today I only really had one thing to do, which was to work as much as possible on my project for Friday. I ended up spending about two hours on it, split up throughout the day. Even though I'm impressed with how much I managed to get done on it in that short a time, I wish I'd been able to do more. I have a lot of really great ideas for it but I'm just so rediculously tired today.

I'm trying to figure out what's going on exactly. I haven't eaten anything new or adventurous lately. I've been really careful not to overextend myself with my homework this week. I did have caffeine yesterday, which helped a lot then but might be part of my crashing today. And my sinuses have been getting suspiciously gunky, which never bodes well. I really, really hope that it's not another sinus infection. I've made it to week seven of this 11 week quarter and I'm going to get really mad if I can't get all the way through it without getting sick and falling behind in my classes again.

It might also be the earrings. I'm not quite used to them and it actually might be effecting my sleep more than I want to admit. I definitely haven't been sleeping well this week, but it might also just be the lowered dose settling in.

Basically I don't know what did this to me today, but I spent most of it too tired to do anything but watch tv. And then my dad came home with his not-exactly-accidental comments about how watching tv is a waste of time. Well, if I had the energy to do something else I would. Especially since there's nothing I actually want to watch on most of the time, and I have a great project that I'm really excited about to work on. If, you know, I could work on it for more than 30 minutes at a time without getting so exhausted that I find myself staring blankly at the screen, trying not to dose off.

Yeah. Class tomorrow is not going to go well.

Bad Day Rant

I had a really lousy day, so I just need to vent.

I started off my day walking my dog a lot farther than was probably wise. He's been misbehaving a little lately because I had a sinus infection for awhile and wasn't able to walk him for nearly two weeks, so he has extra built up energy that comes out every so often as anxiety and dominance. He was getting worse even after I started walking him again, and I got sick of him acting up, so a couple days ago I started taking him on much longer walks. At first it didn't cut into my already low energy level as much as I was expecting, and I was encouraged. He was a lot calmer and more relaxed afterwards which was great. Yesterday it was a little harder for me to walk him long enough because it turned out I was still tired from the day before. Today as soon as he woke up I could tell he was going to have an attitude, so I tried to prevent it with a very long walk this morning. Unfortunately I overdid it and so started my day off totally wiped.

So I'm already running on empty, but I decide to work on my homework anyway. I had just started what seemed like a promising hunt for amusing sound effects for my next project, which I'm a little worried about finishing on time because it will be difficult. My mom came downstairs and started to explain to me that my dad wants to delay my CAT scan (which I had already scheduled and everything) so that he can find out more about the cost and make sure our insurance is going to cover it. He wanted me to wait a couple of weeks. This rankled for many reasons, but the main one is that I'm already feeling the next sinus infection coming on. I don't know if I do want to do surgery, and I'm not going to decide until I have a lot more information, but I think the scan is an important first step and I really want to at least get somewhere towards finding a solution to this problem, which is getting worse every time and already almost caused me to drop a class this quarter. I'm getting more worried every day that I start to feel the next one coming on. So the idea of delaying that really got on my nerves. I'm not saying that taking a closer look at the possible cost of this isn't very important, but I'm trying to actually get something done here to improve my quality of life and my dad has a way of putting the brakes on these things. It aggravates me.

So I started trying to argue for doing the scan sooner rather than later, and dad came down and I have to confess that I exploded at him. I'm exhausted, I'm frustrated, I'm on my way to getting sick yet again, and I'm tired to death of dealing with my stupid health. Plus I've been worrying more than usual lately about whether it even makes sense to think I'm going to be able to support myself someday. All of this came to a head and I took it out on him because he was there and (to be fair to myself) he was standing in my way.

We argued. My mom mediated, and finally I agreed to reschedule the CAT scan for two days later to give him time to sort out the insurance junk. They both went back upstairs, and I was so spent from the arguing and the shouting and over-extending myself earlier that I just sat on my floor and cried my eyes out. I went through half a box of kleenex. Besides being tired, I think I just needed a good cry.

I'm barely into my 20s, at the prime of my life, and I hardly have the energy to take care of my very limited responsibilities. Right now I can't even get my dog enough exercise, and it's not like he's high energy. I'm just so exhausted that I'm barely making it. For the four years since my first diagnosis, I've been waiting around just hoping that someday I'll get better. That something will come along and fix me. And now I'm beginning to realize that the abysmal energy level that I have right now just might be my peak. How will I be doing twenty years from now, when I've managed to acquire even more of a sleep debt? How about when I'm sixty- will I even have the energy to get up? And if this is my peak, and I really don't think I have the physical ability to work full time now, how will I support myself? Working through this realization is very hard for me because I've always had a vision of my future, independent life. And it's beginning to sink in that I may always need some measure of help, financial and otherwise.

When I was done crying I hauled my dog up the stairs so we could watch tv and heat up some lunch. We spent a few hours on the couch, and I was still feeling pretty lousy when I finally decided I just really needed to get out of the house. The house makes me angry because of how everything about it makes my life harder, and I was starting to get upset again, so even though I really didn't have the energy I ran a couple of errands. It took caffeine to get me safely home afterwards.

I took my dog out into the yard when I got home and he started acting up despite the morning's long walk. I think he could tell I was on the point of falling over. On our way inside, to make my day even better, I misstepped and cut the bottom of my foot in what was yet another instance of me not being able to properly tell where things are in my environment. I got inside and realized that the first aid stuff that I needed was on the third floor. So I got to limp up two flights of stairs to take care of it, which I barely managed because I was beyond exhausted at that point. Then I landed on the couch and didn't move anymore.

My dad came downstairs and started making snide comments about the shows I was watching. I did my best to ignore him without being rude. My dog started to really push me more and more, and I could tell he was going to need another walk tonight. And I didn't know what the hell to do, because now I had an injured foot to add to this mess. Neither parent wanted to help, so I ended up taking him anyway and just limping around the neighborhood in pain until he had enough exercise. I don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow because he's still going to need exercise and I'm going to have a painful foot for at least the next few days. Thanks, life.

It Must Be The Shirt

Last night I dreamed about going to my ENT appointment. It was in a (real life) building that I've had appointments in before even though I hadn't been there in several years, and I recognized the lobby in my dream. I was wandering around the gift shop, food and elevators area because I was so early that there was no point in going up to my seventh floor appointment yet. I ended up talking to random people, who invited me to come eat lunch with them, and I agreed because they were nice and I was bored. I wasn't counting on actually eating there because of my ever-present food restrictions, but ended up with a pretty tasty salad that I ate even though I wasn't particularly hungry. I talked a little but mostly listened to their conversation. Eventually most of them left, but a nice older gentleman was also waiting at the restaurant and I ended up explaining narcolepsy to him. After awhile I ran into a friend who I haven't seen (in real life) because she's been travelling a lot, and I was really excited to see her and we went back to my (old) house to chat and exchange artwork. I never did get to that appointment, lol. Eventually that dream morphed into something crazy about me getting a part-time job at an insane technology museum that I mostly don't remember- except that inside it was a volcano. o.O

Today I really did have my ENT appointment. I also had multiple errands to run beforehand, which I managed alright. I was tired before I even left, but that's life. Like in the dream, I got there very early because it's been awhile since I've been to that particularly confusing part of town. I managed to find it and park without mishap, and when I walked out of the elevator I was a little disconcerted by how exactly my dream had remembered this particular building. Like I said, I haven't been there in awhile- several years, even- but the summer I was diagnosed with Narcolepsy two of the doctors involved were in that building. I was there a lot for those couple of months and it obviously made an impression on me.

Also funny was the fact that random people kept striking up conversations with me- in elevators especially. Usually I'm pretty quiet and people don't do that, but I do enjoy it when people are being friendly. It was hilarious because I had dreamed the same thing. Later on that day, after running another errand after the appointment (and having more random people talk to me) I realized that it was probably my shirt. I was dressed pretty nicely today, since I had somewhere to go besides class or walkng my dog, and I think people picked up on that. I've noticed that when I wear my nicest shirt more people talk to me than when I'm wearing something else. The same goes for skirts, actually. No matter what I'm wearing I always smile at people, but when I look especially nice they're more likely to make small talk.

The appointment (which I did get to in real life, lol) went okay. The ENT was very nice and actually knew about Celiac disease, which was a plus. I did have to explain Narcolepsy to him, which I managed without getting too complicated, and he decided to get a CAT scan of my sinuses so we can really see what's going on (which makes sense, because the inside of my nose is anatomically messed up). He's thinking that the way my inner nose is set up is literally trapping mucus so that I've got a constant bacterial infection going on. Which is probably at least part of the problem. He wants to do surgery to correct it if that turns out to be the case, and thinks that once that is fixed I will stop having the constant sinus infection issue.

I'm a little skeptical that the deviated septum is the only problem, since I have two auto-immune diseases, but I'm willing to hear him out. Plus I want to do the CAT scan because they're so incredibly cool. I figure they'll do my whole head and I get to see my skull and eyeballs and brainssssss.... muahahaha!

That said, it wasn't the best appointment because I had a bunch of questions enter and then promptly leave my head, and there were multiple things that I forgot to bring up that were kind of important. So once my CAT scan results come in I'm bringing a parent as backup, lol. Both of my parents have mostly unmushy brains, and actually think of questions and do smart things like bring lists. So I think next time will go much better in the presence-of-mind department- with an addition of a functional mind to the equation. You know, maybe while they're digging around my nose they should just give me a brain transplant.

Life In The Slow Lane

The good news is that I'm starting to (finally!) really feel better after the sinus infection that had me on the couch for about two full weeks. The bad news is that all that stuff that fell by the wayside as I struggled to get caught up in classes while sick, like cleaning my room and getting my dog more than the very minimally essential exercise, is really starting to bother me.

I'm the child of the world's hugest neatfreak, and definitely inherited some of those genes, so knowing that it's been almost a month since the last time I vacuumed is making me crazy. But while I'm feeling good enough to cook every day and get just enough of my homework done to get by, I definitely haven't had the energy to vacuum. You know, all that standing up and moving around nonsense. To complicate matters, the only really good vacuum in our house is up two flights of stairs, and to top it off I can barely lift the damn thing to carry it down. We got a smaller, lighter vacuum for the first floor, but it doesn't work well enough for how nasty my carpet is getting. And adding insult to injury it makes this horrible high-pitched noise when you turn it on.

So I'm stuck waiting until I have the energy for that. In the meantime, trying to get back on our previous walk schedule is taking it's toll on my energy level. My dog needs quite a bit of exercise or else he starts causing trouble and trying to take over the house. We usually go twice a day for at least twenty minutes each walk, which is exactly the right amount of exercise for both of us (as I'm tired and he's very short). When we're healthy, that is. When I'm not doing so great it gets hard to keep up with it, but I know he needs it so as soon as I start recovering that's the first thing I try to add back into my schedule. Therefore, the cleaning must wait.

Meanwhile, even in my life, which is way slower than most peoples', after two weeks a bunch of silly little things start to pile up and nag at me. I have calls to make, letters I need to write, laundry to do, plus of course homework. But even though I have all these things vying for my attention, I know that the most important thing right now is to get enough rest to continue getting better. Also on that front I now have an appointment with a very good ENT, so now maybe I can actually do something about my almost constant multiple-year sinus infection.

Until then, more rest. Welcome to my life.

Bad Feeling

Well, so much for feeling better. I was doing pretty good on Monday, optimistic about catching up and getting back to class this week. Then I woke up on Tuesday, feeling worse and once again with a fever. My digestive tract has been in more pain every day because of the antibiotic I was taking, and it was so bad this morning that I stopped taking it and called my doctor. I was dreading talking to her after the unfortunate appointment last week during which she blamed me for getting sick again. It turned out that she didn't even talk to me, just got her nurse to call in a different antibiotic since the one I was on was obviously doing more harm than good.

Meanwhile, I missed my Tuesday class, which is my fun class this quarter. And I'm having no luck trying to accomplish the homework for my really hard Friday class. It's to the point where I had to email the professor (again) and explain that I'm still feeling really bad and that I don't know if I can turn it in. Unfortunately I think I'm stuck going to class tomorrow and Friday because if I have to miss again I'll be pretty much screwed. And who knows if the new antibiotic will have kicked in by then or not.

I was seriously considering dropping one or two of my classes. But then I found out that I can't do that now without paying for them anyway, plus I know that next week when I'm finally feeling better I'm going to need something to do. It would suck to drop them only to get better and have to wait the rest of the quarter to try again.

Besides all that, I take my responsibilities very seriously and refuse to give them up without a fight. I was raised to be a really responsible and dependable person, and I'm very proud of this fact. It's very hard for me to not go to a class, even when I'm way too sick to go, simply because I know I'm supposed to be there. Asking for extensions is even more difficult for me because I've always been proud of my ability to get every assignment done no matter what. So when I can't physically do something because I'm too sick, even though I know it isn't actually my fault at all, it just really hurts.

Here's to hoping I can survive the rest of the week.

Not Dead Yet

Most of a week of antibiotics later I'm doing a little better. I'm less gunky and have a little more energy and my stomach at least hasn't fallen out yet, even though it feels like it wants to. I had the weirdest night sleep ever for a couple of nights- I actually was completely out in three hour spurts, with no dreams, hallucinations or even awareness mixed in. I'm pretty sure that's what it's like for normal people when they sleep, or at least that's what I've heard, haha. But it is sad to not have any bizarre dream stories to tell.

I'm very impressed, however, with the fact that I'm mostly caught up with homework right now. I say mostly because I'm still trying to figure out this week's Flash homework, which I unfortunately missed the lecture on. The instructor sent me links to tutorials, which are helping a little, but I'm easily frustrated with these things because I have such a clear picture of exactly what I want and computer programs tend to get in the way. I can't help thinking how much easier it would be to just draw the damn thing on a piece of paper, which is silly because the point of this class is to learn the software. I'm pretty confident that I can figure this out, though. Definitely with three more days of fiddling.

Of course because there's absolutely no way I have the energy to work on non-homework art right now, I'm suddenly struck with a lot of inspiration. That always seems to happen- as soon as I have some free time and energy, I don't have any good ideas, but the second I have homework to do, am sick and have even less energy than usual, I get tons of great ideas. Right now I have at least five. Well, maybe after this week I'll be feeling good enough to get some of it on paper in addition to everything else I need to do.

Yet Another One of Those Days

Yesterday several different things came to a head in a not so great kind of way. I started a new quarter of classes last week, making this week the first week anything was due. In order to do my homework for one class that promises to be especially work intensive, I needed to purchase a really expensive program. I decided to order it online so I could get the very substantial student discount and therefore save like 500ish dollars. So, like the good student I am, I ordered it on Friday right after class to have it delivered Monday or Tuesday so I would have plenty of time to accomplish my homework by Friday.

Meanwhile, I was slowly getting the next in a long line of sinus infections that have gone back several years. It started coming on worse after I decided to actually have a vague attempt at a social life this weekend and went to the mall with my cousin and her friends for a couple hours on Saturday, then to see a movie with my best friend on Sunday. Apparently this was too much (because oh my god, it was so much!) for my body to handle while trying to hold off the sinus imfection. So I went downhill pretty fast. Before I know it, I'm feeling pretty bad, it's Wednesday, I haven't even started my homework for Friday because the program never showed up at my house, and my parents are coming home on Thursday which means there are still things that need cleaning.

So on Wednesday morning I called costumer service and found out they were out of the program I wanted and wouldn't even have it for another week. So I cancelled that order and ordered it from somewhere else. Then I decided it would be a brilliant idea to go try and use my school's computer labs to at least start the damn thing. But I was starting to realize I was feeling pretty bad, so I called my GP and set up an appointment to get an antibiotic just to be safe. And then I drove over to my school to find a class in every computer lab, but at least I figured out when they are free so I know for the future. Then I ran errands on the way home because I was still mostly ignoring how sick I was starting to feel.

By the time I got to my afternoon appointment I was feeling really bad. It turns out I had a fever. And my doctor made me really mad by commenting that if I get sick this rediculously often, it must somehow be my fault. I think she's really frustrated because no matter what antibiotic she throws at my sinus infections they just come back in a couple of weeks. I suggested to her that I do have a screwed up immune system, to which she acted like I'm "too young" to have this problem. Thanks a lot. Let's help by blaming me for my health issues. I really appreciate that.

So I left there really upset and feeling really really bad, and dropped my prescription off to get it filled. Too tired to wait at Walgreens for twenty minutes, I just dropped it off at the drive thru and went straight home to the couch where I got steadily worse all evening and lacked the energy to drive two minutes to go pick up my antibiotics. With no one around to pick it up for me, I didn't get it until this morning. To make my day really fun, I ended yesterday having to write two instructors who don't know me and therefore don't know I'm actually a really dedicated student long emails explaining why I'm not going to either class this week. My Friday teacher was really nice about it and I found out today that he's giving me until Sunday to email something in, which I may actually be able to accomplish.

I'm feeling a bit better after antibiotics and most of a day on the couch. It'll be interesting for my parents when they get home late tonight and find their very sick daughter having trouble making it to the damn bathroom tomorrow. At least I did most of the cleaning before yesterday.

That's life for you. Back to the couch!