Why Soy Is Not For Me

I'm sure I've written about my soy intolerance before, but having a distinct lack of brain these days, I have no memory of the entry whatsoever. But, as soy is continuously making life irritating (or in my case, freaked out anxious) for me, I figure it's safe to repeat my feelings on the subject.

I got up this morning feeling much better and less gunky. The cold is mostly gone, and because of the lack of headache and the renewed ability to breathe, I actually slept pretty well last night. Aside from multiple dreams about almost drowning, that is, but what's new? So I woke up feeling (for me) refreshed and like I might be able to walk the dogs or clean the floors today- both things that really need to be done. I had a little bit of caffeine in my tea to get me going as usual, a smaller amount since my normal energy level is on its way to being restored.

My girlfriend is also almost recovered from the cold today, so she made breakfast for us both, an experiment with new hot cereal. She put flax and chia seeds in it and a little honey and rice milk. It tasted pretty good, but I didn't eat much of it because there wasn't a lot in the pan, and after the fact I can say I'm really glad.

Since I accidentally became mostly Buddhist (see previous entries), I've been paying lots of attention to my own body and emotional states. I feel like by intentionally watching myself, I notice when I'm being a jerk or neurotic or getting excessively angry, and because I can see it as it's happening I can change course before I do any real damage. This comes in handy when you have a mental or even physical problem in your body because you know right when you run out of energy, or you can see past anxiety and find its cause, and possibly find relief.

Well, as soon as I finished my little bowl of the cereal, my heart sped up and I got tense. My thoughts derailed into a roller coaster of "OMG I HAVE ALL THIS STUFF TO DO AAAAAAAAHHHH!!!" and my shoulders were like a rock. It took me a minute to make the connection, but it was pretty obvious, as this is exactly what always happens the minute I eat even traces of soy. Honestly, I've never met anyone else with this reaction to soy, but it's listed as one of the eight major allergens, so it must do something to a lot of other people. You can imagine how nuts I was going between when soy began to have this effect on me and when I figured out the cause: for most of a year I was constantly freaking out (I got diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder by a therapist I was seeing) and finding ten other things to blame it on. Anxiety can be caused by so many things, including just life and stress, that it's hard to pin down. And it wears you out so bad, which sucks when you already have a much lower energy level than most of the people around you. At the time, taking Xyrem was also not helping the situation.

As a usually pretty relaxed person, the reaction I have to soy is pretty extreme, so I can usually tell as I'm eating whatever it is. The pain I get from eating gluten happens similarly quickly, which is nice because it means these days I rarely eat a lot of either substance before figuring out I need to stop. But as someone who has to avoid both gluten and soy, it's tough. At least half of the new tasty-looking things I find labeled gluten-free at the grocery store turn out to have soy in them. Before I could cook very well, it was murder. You find delicious-looking cookies only to see that lovely "CONTAINS: SOY" on the back, and anything containing chocolate you can forget.

I have to say, life is much easier since the required allergen labeling came into effect. Wheat and soy both have to be declared really obviously on the label, and it's handy. It used to be I would get something that looked perfectly safe and try it, and have to have one or both types of reaction before knowing it "may contain traces". Since the labels changed I've seen a huge decrease in how often I have gluten or soy reactions, and at least nowadays it's usually my fault for misreading the label.

And, because I know the suspense is killing you, yes, it seems the chia seed came from a "facility that also processes products containing soy", which explains it nicely. Time to go raid the fridge for a better breakfast...

Anger Management

I don't look particularly threatening. I mean, I'm a short and skinny person who looks about 14 despite being about ten years older, who has a fondness for animated movies and likes to belt out Backstreet Boys lyrics while driving along in her car. I have a nice collection of stuffed animals for God's sake, and the silliest looking little dog ever. I've been described as cute in multiple languages, and adorable, and people I don't know are constantly asking me what grade I'm in.

So you would think I would be more or less harmless, but that just means you haven't seen me when I get angry.

It doesn't happen very often. Most of the time I take things in stride, or else get upset rather than angry. The result of this, though, is that it slowly builds up, so that when I do explode I don't see it coming. It seriously seems to me, after the fact, that it comes up suddenly out of nowhere and the anger just takes over. I start shouting and throwing things, and storming around and kicking the furniture. It's a little frightening for me because I'm used to being in control of myself, avoiding any and all conflict by just not saying anything, but then I turn into this total monster for a good five minutes every couple of months.

Most of the time it doesn't effect anyone else. I keep it hidden, try to contain it, to get out later when I'm alone and can throw my sandals at the dresser or rip pieces of paper into tiny shreds. But two days ago I was talking to my girlfriend on the phone when it happened, and I lost control of myself again. I think it flared up around her because we're so close, and I feel safe around her almost like I'm alone, if that makes sense. I'm very, very lucky that she didn't dump me then and there. There is no excuse for my behavior. Plenty of reasons, but none of them justify the hurt I inflicted with my outburst. Part of it was definitely related to frustration with my parents at the moment. Part of it was probably being hungry, or exhausted, or the fact that my dad came home early without warning that day, interrupting my peace and quiet. It had to do with my girlfriend recounting her bad day, and me being upset that her day was bad too. But whatever the reasons for it, it was wrong and I hurt the person I love the most.

I've always made excuses for it, because I do have a lot of good reasons to be angry, not the least of which is having a misunderstood medical condition that makes me look like an idiot a lot of the time. I've had shouting matches with my parents before that hurt everyone involved, so it isn't a new issue. But now is the time to find a better outlet, or at least gain enough control over my emotions to not hurt someone else. For one thing, I'm planning on figuring out how to spot the buildup before the explosion- that way I give myself time to get away from anyone else before I let it all out. I also need to find a way to let it out more frequently in smaller amounts, because I think that would make my life better anyway- tucking it all away can't be good for me. I'm glad, to a certain extent, that something happened to bring the whole thing into perspective, even though it sucked. Now at least I can work on it.