Confusing the Heck Out of Normal People

Well, our wedding went great, lots of people showed up and it was generally awesome. (Apparently the disasters stayed in the planning and once we got to Omaha, it was all fine.) Then, for our honeymoon we drove down to visit my hometown and then back up, slowly. All in all, it was a good break from real life, except for all the people thinking my husband is my wife because we hadn't told them about the whole trans thing yet. But we survived and even had a good time, talking or just being for all those hours of driving.

Some time on the last day, as we were heading up Illinois for five hours, we started tallying up everything we have to change our names on. The list ended up somewhat overwhelming. I had changed my last name and J had changed his first and middle via the marriage, and between us, all sorts of IDs, insurance things, and bank accounts were now outdated. So, as soon as we got home and minorly settled (as in, boxes piled everywhere in the downstairs of my in-laws' house instead of in the car and basement) we set out to start the process.

Our first stop was the DMV to update J's drivers' license and get me a non-driver ID to replace mine. The first person we managed to confuse was the information desk guy. We explained how we had changed our names due to marriage and needed new licenses in this state since we had moved. He was like, sure, and then we handed him our shiny marriage certificate. He blinked at it multiple times to make sure he was reading it right. Then he looked at J and back down at the proof that my husband has changed his name from a very feminine name to a male name. He asked us again just to make sure, then shrugged it off and got it set up.

Then desk guy explained that I need proof of residency in the state to get my new license, and I asked if it was the same for a non-driver ID. He said it was and then said quickly, "...but then you won't be able to drive!" And I was like, "yeah." And he was like, "You know you can't keep the license from the previous state if you do that, and you'll give up the right to drive." He went from skeptical to really confused when I said lightly, "yeah, I know." I didn't explain to him that I hadn't driven in two years and if I did, that it would be really dangerous and not worth the energy required anyhow. I mean, I look perfectly normal and I'm only 25.

So with that desk guy, we started our official Body Count, aka how many government officials we had confused so far: Me: 1, J: 1. We decided to keep score because really, how is it not hilarious? Plus, we're interested in who can raise the most eyebrows: the 25-year-old disabled girl or the guy getting a sex change. Who will win??

Next it was getting J's new photo, which I sadly missed because I was in the bathroom, but apparently it was really funny. The guy doing the photos for people was this really outgoing, chatty fellow who looked like somebody's friendly grandfather. Apparently he was super awkward trying to figure out how to address J, who hasn't yet started testosterone (next week!) and has a feminine-looking face, but dresses, talks and acts very male. So I missed that, and didn't get a shot at confusing that guy since I have to wait on my ID until I bring in proof of my address. That made the Body Count J: 2.

We sat and waited until we got called to finish the process, which was done by a strict-sounding and annoyed woman who decided to be suspicious at first rather than confused. She triple-checked that J wanted his whole name changed and was pretty short with us, but it was most likely just the long line. Then we were just waiting on it to get printed out, now with the score as J: 3, Me: 1. Finally, photo dude waves us over to avoid calling out J's new name which obviously weirds him out, lol. Sniggering, we left.

Our other stop of the day was the closest social security office. This time, we only spoke to one person who did both of ours. He was younger than the DMV people, or maybe just less easily ruffled, because when he saw J's old and new names, he only paused for slightly longer than normal in between sentences. We decided that didn't count, though, because it didn't even make him awkward. I got my second score of the day, however, when he asked me for my social security number and it took me ten minutes of close-eyed concentration to come up with this number I know very well and use pretty often. It probably didn't help that I was swaying off balance and speaking really vaguely since I had forgotten to bring a snack and was looking and feeling light-headed. He looked really worried about me and surprised, even after I came up with the number and managed to actually remember my mom's maiden name, etc, without missing a beat. So after those two stops, the score stands as Me: 2, J: 3. I'm optimistic, though, since I haven't gotten a chance at two of the three DMV counter people yet, that I may win. It's not every day a perfectly ordinary-looking young person trades in their right to drive, after all. But who knows. The sex change may win in the end. XD

Wedding Plans: A Disaster Movie

As I might have mentioned I've been planning (or attempting to plan) my wedding since we decided on a date around November. Since then, the universe has been doing its best to foil everything, to the point where it's seriously getting comical. XD

Well, from the start, as a legally gay couple, we can't have the thing in whatever state. All the states where our families live don't have legal gay marriage, though at least Illinois will recognize it as a civil union after some other state does the dirty work. Not that that does us a lot of good yet. Fortunately, Iowa is allowing it at least for now, much to everyone's surprise. No offense to Iowa, but it isn't the first place you think of when you think of inclusive rights. It's like, the first place you think of when you think of corn fields, pig barns and windmills. But who am I to complain. We even were living there when we started planning, and thought we would be for several years. Plenty of time to get married and enjoy the legitimacy, official status and things like me being on my transman's insurance even before he gets surgery. So we set a date, now only a couple of weeks away, excited to become bound together for life officially.

We had the thing mostly done after a few months when we hit a snag and decided to switch parks because of various constraints on what we could put up and rent at our original park. And, me being me, the lack of bathroom there posed a problem. We had figured out everything else except our hotel and the flowers. So we went down to the area we had chosen (the only place my relatives could easily fly into from Texas) and chose a better park we liked even more. We loved this park; everything about it was perfect. It was private, allowed our dogs, had a great pavilion with the perfect seating, and a deck onto the Missouri River (I have a thing for water). So we booked it, even more excited then before. While there we found a great P.F. Chang's for the rehearsal dinner (a restaurant famous for gluten-free options- If you're a Celiac and like Chinese food, GO THERE). We returned to our home in Iowa, pleased with ourselves.

By then we knew that we were moving back to Wisconsin for an indefinite period of time to live with my fiance's parents again. Both J and the school he was teaching at decided separately that he wouldn't be continuing with them next year. We applied all over the country for a new teaching position, but then everything changed when we realized J is going to go through gender transition this next year. After all, the public school system isn't really the best place to do that. Still, the wedding was on, mostly planned and going to be in Iowa whether we lived there anymore or not because it's the only state in the Midwest where we could do it.

And that was when all the flooding began. You've probably seen it on the news. The Missouri is closing roads and chasing people out of their homes, and because of where our perfect park was, it was the first thing to be underwater. We got an email from the county park people right after the flooding began. Frustrated, we started looking for somewhere else to have it.

It took us awhile to give up on having it outside, then awhile longer to give up having it on the Iowa side of the river. Meanwhile we were moving and I was coming down with mono. Everything was up in the air for awhile. Then J's older brother called us to tell us about a really nice indoor place in Omaha, complete with art gallery and Asian theme, that was full of natural light. We really liked it, and decided it was worth having our wedding ceremony happen across the river from the official paperwork. Relieved, we booked it and agreed to have two ceremonies: one five minute legal one and then one for our guests.

And then I got really sick and went to the doctor to discover that I have mono. I got put on lots of meds and spent the last week in bed, slowly starting to feel human again. Unfortunately, it was basically guaranteed that J caught it from me because we share glasses and other dishes (and make out >.>) all the time. Oh great, we thought. I'm almost through the worst of it and will most likely be totally fine by the wedding, but he's just starting to show fatigue. And that means, unless we're extremely lucky, he's going to be sick on the 9th. As a virus it could last any lengthy of time and all you can do to speed up healing is lie down a lot. But you also never know; he's very healthy most of the time, so fatigue might be all he gets. And because we don't know for sure, we don't want to cancel after all we've done getting the thing planned (not to mention all of our guests having bought their plane tickets).

So we're thinking, okay, so what else could go wrong? Volcanoes? A lightning strike right on the place we chose, instantly vaporizing it? I even put a joke in my mass email about it. Then we start hearing about nuclear reactors getting flooded upriver. Even I didn't see that one coming. Nuclear reactors? Really? So I asked my dad, who has worked in them before, if we should be worried about this because my mother-in-law is freaking out. He says that no, they were able to shut them down and therefore people in the area aren't in any danger. So I'm like, cool. At least my wedding won't give anyone radiation poisoning. (What is with all this?? Right?)

And then I start hearing that they might shut down the Omaha Airport. Now, out of all this stuff, that has the potential to kill it. There are only a few people driving and almost everyone is flying in there, including my parents. At least they've said they will drive if their flight gets rerouted, but the other guests I'm not so sure about. It kills me because at this point, I just want to get the damned thing over with so I can stop messing with it. Honestly, I'm not into weddings. I wanted to elope but J and I decided we would have a ceremony so our families could be there. Also, when it hasn't been legal for very long, it's almost a statement saying, look, we may be two women (so we thought at the time anyway) but we're just a normal couple. And we weren't sure how our extended families would react, so it was a way of including them in the process, allowing them to meet each other, and before it got irritatingly complicated, I was starting to actually look forward to it. J is changing his name when I do so it's also a step in his transition.

In other words, I want this to happen, but the world may not. I don't know which would be worse: changing the date to the fall sometime or just doing it in a closer county without any of my family or friends present. I don't want to wait, I don't want to plan another big thing some other time, and I don't want to have to leave it out of reach of my family. All the choices suck.

Now I'm left to wait and see. What happens with the flooding in the next two weeks will most likely determine its fate. I decided I don't want to cancel it all unless the airport closes because that way, people will get their tickets refunded. I'm afraid that if I cancel it short of that I'm going to regret it. So I might be getting married. Or, the world might continue to pretend to be the movie 2012. Fingers crossed is all I can do.

The Gender Therapist Adventure

A couple of entries ago, I explained how my girlfriend discovered the root cause of her depression problems (being trans) and will now be referred to using male pronouns or the initial J. Well, we've talked about it a lot, thought a lot, discussed and considered what to do about it. The whole time, he's been experimenting with wearing male clothing when not at work and so far seems to be doing a lot better. We decided, having read a lot of advice online, that maybe we should look for a gender therapist.

Various trans-oriented resource sites stress the importance of getting a therapist who specifically specializes in gender issues. Apparently, if you get one who doesn't, they're a lot less likely to understand your life issues if you're a transperson. Depression and body issues for transpeople are very different than most therapists are trained to deal with. So after finding this type of advice all over the internet, we decided that if we wanted to work on J's depression with professional help, a gender therapist was the way to go.

So we searched and (unsurprisingly) found that there aren't any in Iowa and the closest one that looked promising is in the Twin Cities, three and a half hours away. And so we made an appointment two weeks ago, J took off work, and we figured that even if it was a disaster or unhelpful, at least we would be near the closest Whole Foods for an afternoon. Yesterday arrived and we threw the dogs in the car in the morning, made sure our cats had extra food, grabbed some Larabars and started driving.

The weather was pretty terrible. It was windy and snow-raining and foggy and the roads were really wet. As we got farther north, the mix turned into snow, which started to show up piled everywhere. Our appointment had been rescheduled for later in the day, 3 PM, and we were glad because it took awhile to get there and the roads in St. Paul were pretty bad. To top it off, we kept getting lost because our maps weren't as helpful as we had hoped. We ate at Whole Foods (sushi!) and rushed through the store to pick up a few things (gluten-free PIE!), running out of time.

We got lost again between Whole Foods and the therapist's office, but we made it there at exactly 3. We rushed upstairs. The office was dark- not a good sign. It was only then when we looked at our messages that we found out that the therapist had called us hours before to tell us she couldn't make it. She was snowed in at her house. We were both pretty frustrated and annoyed. I mean, if we could make it to her office from three hours away and navigate the snowy streets in my dinky little Saturn (which doesn't even have anti-lock brakes), surely she could get there that late in the day from half an hour away.

So we left her a message back and headed back to my car, feeling disappointed. J is probably going to have job interviews that will require him to take days off soon, so we can't really do it again. This therapist won't take appointments at all on the weekend, and we don't really want drive that far again anyway, especially when she already didn't show up once. To console ourselves, we backtracked to a Borders we saw while we were lost, which was plastered with Store Closing sale signs, and went on a cheap book spree. Then the dogs were looking bored, so we took them to a Petsmart and they thought that was pretty interesting. We were feeling like at least the trip hadn't been a total waste.

We had picked up a few fliers in the dark and empty (but mysteriously unlocked) therapist's office. One of them was advertising a trans support group that happened to be meeting on Wednesday evenings. We decided to go, since we had nothing to lose. I mean, our main objective in going to the therapist was to talk to somebody about this. Someone who knew about it, understood, and that was detached from our family, and might know more about it than we do now. We figured we should at least try it out.

After getting lost two more times, getting stuck in the snow and having my narcoleptic self at the wheel while we extracted our car, which resulted in me driving in deep and slushy snow for a few blocks around lots of stuck parked cars, we found the right building. There were only two other people there- apparently a slow night- but they were very friendly and sympathetic. We felt so much better after talking to them for awhile and we got tons of really good information. The best thing about it was just feeling less alone. Being trans and dealing with trans problems is so incredibly isolating. Even when people are supportive, they can't quite understand if they're too far removed from these experiences, and most of the people we know we're a bit afraid to tell because we don't know how they will react. We walked out of there feeling so much better, with lots of fliers and resources and access to an entire community of people in The Cities, and even a binder to try out. My fiance had the biggest smile on his face all the way home.

Night fell as we found our way back to 35. The drive home was long, but we spent the whole way talking and singing and laughing, with our dogs asleep in the back.

The F. Family Traveling Circus

For Thanksgiving, we had driven seven hours to my girlfriend's parents' house in Wisconsin to visit them and our horses. We brought our dogs and cats with us and it worked out really great. Getting out of Iowa was awesome and the animals were really well-behaved for the drive and the visit and all seemed happy for the adventuring. We had a relaxing four days or whatever it was and were sad to leave. So we figured, why not do the same thing again for Christmas? And since it's much easier to fly down to my relatives in Texas from there than it is from middle of nowhere, Iowa (three hours from the nearest airport with direct flights to our destination), why not visit my parents, too? Our animals could stay in Wisconsin and be cared for by people we trust who had taken care of them before and we'd get to see my family, too.

So it sounded a bit intense, but fun, and let's face it- adventuring outside of our small town for two weeks seemed appealing. Then we found out our mutual best friend and former college roommate, who is at least as much family as the rest of these people, was going to be visiting St. Paul around when we planned to leave for our trip. So naturally we decided to go visit her and her parents for a night or two on the way after they agreed to hosting us and our two cats and two dogs. We had been missing her like crazy.

And so, last Tuesday after my girlfriend got off work, we all piled into the car. It took longer than we had intended to get going because it takes a lot of stuff to sustain two humans on special diets, two cats and two dogs for ridiculous amounts of driving and when they are going to be away from home for almost two weeks straight. We left about an hour later than we had been hoping, but at least it was still light out and we still had a good chance of making it to our first stop for dinner.

Three and a half hours later, we got into St. Paul, tired but not completely exhausted. Having been to this specific house many times each, we just called to double-check the exit off the highway, which was the right one in fact. But after that we passed our turn, then turned the wrong way in an attempt to double back, which landed us on snowy and icy roads going the wrong direction. We dodged a couple of careening vehicles, called our friend back for help getting back to her neighborhood, and spent an hour finding our way there. All the way, our cat was letting us know that he had had enough of this nonsense, and we were stressed out so our dogs were whining. To this rather aggravating chorus, we finally found where we were going, hungry, exhausted and ready to get out of the car.

We had a really good time visiting our friend. The dogs stayed in the laundry room, which we baby-gated off to prevent allergy attacks. They were left to themselves for most of the two nights except for two walks and one bathroom break a day, and of course, being fed. All in all they didn't seem to mind- they were very polite and mostly quiet. My dachshund was a little frustrated by being separated from his humans (he's a clingy little guy), but both dogs seemed to just sleep. The cats were shut into the bedroom we were all sharing and hanging out in to keep them separated from the somewhat antisocial cat of the house, but they did very well also and got plenty of attention. Mostly it was a quiet visit with lots of resting (good for both of us). We caught up, cooked GF lasagna and finished a puzzle.

After our second night it was time to go and make our way to Wisconsin just ahead of a storm. Otherwise we might have stayed longer, it was so nice and relaxing. I took advantage of being in civilization to get three packages of grocery store sushi and that kept me fed for the six hour drive. Even so, we were all exhausted (and bored) by the time we made it to my girlfriend's parents' house. Just sitting in the car tires me out pretty thoroughly (I don't drive at all anymore) and both dogs were whining at the end. Friday (our more vocal cat) was meowing indignantly along with them. It was at that point we decided "Traveling Circus" was a pretty good description of our trip so far.

We spent Christmas there, with a house full of people: six humans, three cats, five dogs, four horses and the miniature donkey. My girl's rather talkative brother and his girlfriend were there and we spent a lot of time with them and the parents. I met more of her family at a Christmas Eve party and (mostly) managed to retain who was related to whom for the evening at least. I also got way more exercise than I'm used to, between walking our dogs around the property and riding horses. I'm still working on just balancing and staying upright on a horse, but for me that's a difficult task, takes lots of concentration, and is therefore draining. I did well and was really proud of myself, but in hindsight it might have been better to save at least some of that energy.

Her family does Christmas a lot more than mine does- there was shopping, gifts (I got lots, which surprised me) and eating lots of meals together. My future mother-in-law is a good cook and mostly eats gluten-free anyway, so she knows how to make safe food and we let her keep us fed. Even though I've been pretty happy to cook lately, it was a nice break to have someone else in charge of it for once. But she doesn't cook quite as many fresh vegetables as we've been eating, or as insanely healthy. That was probably the beginning of us feeling exhausted and sapped of energy, between the food and the constant socializing.

By the day after Christmas and time for our flight south, we were both really tired. Her dad was nice enough to drive us to the airport, almost two hours away, which we were very grateful for. Our flight was delayed an hour but we didn't really mind. Neither of us was able to nap on the three-hour flight, so we were still really tired when we got there. My dad picked us up, so we talked to him all the way back to my parents' house, and then my grandparents were there, so by the time we went to bed that night we were both asleep at the table (me less obviously because I'm way better at faking). We way overate the enchiladas, and the next day there was a party with a bunch of my relatives and a big turkey dinner, so we stayed full of protein-rich, mostly vegetableless and sugar-containing food. My mom had made my two all-time favorite desserts- cheese cake and pumpkin pie- which I was not going to resist. They were delicious, but a far cry from the healthy diet we had been maintaining at home (we hadn't had any but tiny amounts of cane sugar in more than a month before the trip started). During the next two days we saw four of my friends at various meals (at restaurants, so again with the less strict diet), I had a gluten reaction to contaminated fudge, accidentally drank soy-containing tea (someone please explain to me why there needs to be SOY in TEA for Gods' sake), and didn't get a ton of sleep because of the loud city noise outside.

And so, by the time it was approaching New Year's Eve and we were waiting at the airport to fly back up, we both felt like we'd been run over by a steamroller. Of course, that was when storms were delaying everything coming through O'Hare and our flight ended up being delayed for three hours. Eventually we got back after a windy and foggy landing, her dad came and got us, and we collapsed in her parents' guest room at like seven in the evening.

The next day we spent collapsed in a state of no energy. I retrained the dogs (after they had destroyed a few things out of boredom and acquired a couple of other naughty habits from being without my strict rules for several days), convinced the cats that we were not abandoning them forever and ever, and mostly just attempted to recover. Neither of us had it in us to cook, so we ate frozen food, which didn't really help our energy levels. And the next day we packed the car, stuffing it completely with all of our presents, and drove all seven hours back to Iowa.

We chased the sunset for around an hour, and reached our town just as full dark came on. We both caffeinated in order to stay awake long enough to get everyone and everything inside. Then we slept. Yesterday we both woke up sick, our weakened state inviting a cold in. She went to get food because we had nothing in the fridge and we knew that was the key. We cooked three different really healthy vegetable dishes and ate way more than usual, and felt better afterward.

We're still recovering. It was a crazy trip, but it was great to see everyone. The more I'm away from most of my people, the more I realize how important it is to keep in touch with them. Plus, sometimes you have to leave for awhile to understand how nice it is to have your own place somewhere isolated and quiet. Boy are we glad to be back.

Totally Drained

What a crazy weekend. My girlfriend and I flew to my home state of Texas so she could go to a job fair for teachers there. I don't know if I've mentioned on here (since I've been neglecting my blog horribly) that we've decided to move there in July. We made that decision based on a number of things, including the fact that if we stayed up north for another winter I might freeze into a human popsicle, but also because she's ready for somewhere new and different to live. And my hometown has the advantage of lots of connections (I have a huge extended family), parental support, and lots of school districts for her to apply to. So far we've found one summer school and five full time job openings there and she's applied to all of them. We were a little worried about when we could start apartment hunting since we may not know if she's hired until the summer, until we looked things up and crunched some numbers and realized that actually she could support us by being a substitute teacher if she doesn't get any of the other jobs. We would still rather for sure be okay, however, so we went down for the job fair, figuring it might give her an edge on her first choice full time position.

We left on Friday and said goodbye to our cats, dogs and horses. My girlfriend's mom looked after them while we were gone. The trip there went fine and we got to catch up with my parents (who I hadn't seen since January). It was really, really good to see them. On Saturday my girlfriend went to the job fair, which was pretty intimidating but went well. Apparently it was packed with people. She left her resume with a bunch of schools, even though only one in that district was hiring for English, so if something opens up they might remember her.

Right after that we went to look at an apartment complex that we found online. It's affordable but really nice and has great outdoor spaces for the dogs- and us- to enjoy. We liked it a lot and found out they had the perfect apartment available. It's exactly the right size for us and the perfect layout- it even has a well-lit space for my art desk. Plus it's on the ground floor, which was important because stairs are exhausting for me. They only allow two pets, which at first made me unhappy. But my girlfriend made the point that our cats could stay with her mom until our third college roommate could take them. She's their favorite person on the planet, and loves cats more than anything. So I think it will work out. The more I think about it, the more I realize that being in charge of two cats and two dogs during the day has been pretty exhausting. As much as I love them, I think our friend could take better care of our cats, leaving me with more energy to enjoy being with the dogs. The apartment has been put on hold for us and we're filling out the application tonight. It's very exciting and takes a load of my mind that we have someplace to live lined up.

After that we went and visited one of my high school friends briefly, then went out to dinner with my parents. By the time we got back to their house we were both flattened. Even though I slept in during the job fair, I still way overdid it on Saturday. But it was worth it for how much we got to do and it was our only day there after all.

On Sunday I woke up with no energy whatsoever. My mom drove us to the airport in the morning. I spent the wait for our flight in a total daze, and my girlfriend wasn't any better off- she had eaten something at the restaurant that bothered her stomach and felt nasty the whole way home. Even after sitting on the plane and napping for most of the three hour flight, I was so tired I was having trouble putting one foot in front of the other when we got off the plane. Then, to make things even better, we got lost looking for the train. It took most of a Starbucks tea to wake me up enough just to walk. Eventually we found the train. I slept. We got on a bus to the parking lot where our car was. When we finally reached it we still had over another hour of driving to do to get to the middle of nowhere where we live. My girlfriend needed caffeine in order to drive because she was so tired. We made it back after a stop at the grocery store (since we had no food at home). The dogs were in the front yard and very happy to see us. We went to bed early.

Yesterday I didn't feel any better. I was so tired I couldn't do any cleaning- I just read a book all day, or slept. I didn't feel up to doing the stairs, but my girlfriend's mom helped me by putting the dogs outside. I fell asleep on the table several times. The cats didn't mind; they were very clingy because they were happy I was back. I stayed upstairs all day.

Today I'm definitely still recovering. I've been able to do some cleaning, though, and I haven't been falling asleep when I'm concentrating on staying awake. I can do the stairs again, just not quite as much as usual. I'm looking forward to living somewhere without stairs. Hopefully I'll be back to my normal amount of lack of energy tomorrow.

Nuvigil Adventures Again

On Monday I went back to my neurologist, which I had been putting off. I wanted a break from having my medications tweaked this way and that, added and subtracted, and the resulting side effects. So I scheduled my appointment for as late as I could while still making it before my next move across the country, this time to be with my girlfriend. My doctor didn't particularly appreciate that, which I really can't blame him for. I come in doing the worst I have in the last year and a half, to announce that I'm leaving and no, can't come back in two weeks for him to mess with my medications some more. He's a good guy and it's obviously frustrating when he can't help me as much as he wants to.

I talked to him about my growing anxiety problem, and he said we could try a different antidepressant instead of Remeron, which isn't really designed to control anxiety, but that would come later. After the appointment I felt really dumb- or rather, really amused with myself, because the anxiety went away as soon as I walked out of there. Apparently I was anxious about the appointment, and thinking of it as an OMG Anxiety Problem!! just made it worse. This happens to me just infrequently enough that I forget to watch for it, lol. I'm going to keep an eye on it, but I suspect I'll have less issues once the move is complete and my quality of life is improved just by being with my girlfriend.

I also talked to my doctor about how exhausted I've been and the fact that I haven't been sleeping very well. I mean, my standards are pretty low, but dreaming for half the night with all this disturbing crap is really a bit much. We talked about Nuvigil again, and I decided to try a different sample pack instead of the one that gave me a gluten reaction. So I got that. He said we could try Adderal if I react to Nuvigil again, but he can't prescribe it across state lines so it would have to wait until the summer. And you know, that's fine with me.

So I started the Nuvigil again yesterday. So far the results are mixed. I had more energy yesterday and I didn't have a gluten reaction. I had a bad headache for awhile- not surprising as that's the main side effect people tend to have. It made me a little bit wonky. Like, I was kind of spaced out in a drugged sort of way. This is also something I tend to do when starting a new medication, so it's not a big deal. It might go away if I give it a chance. I was hopeful by the time I went to sleep.

Last night I was nauseated every time I took Xyrem, but it didn't keep me up. I slept very deeply for most of the night and only dreamed (comparatively) a little in the last third of the night.

I had moved into this dorm/office- complete with both desks and bunkbeds- and I was unsure as to how I'd ended up there in the first place. I had gone to visit someone there, maybe, and had somehow ended up working there and getting my own bunk. I didn't mind so much; it was an interesting place and the other people there were also students at the art institute. Our group's job was to work on this magazine. Everyone was really nice and it seemed fun, but it took me awhile to figure out what I was supposed to be doing. There were clues everywhere, right in front of my face, but I can be pretty slow sometimes. The magazine was called Freism, complete with this fancy logo, and I have no idea what it was about exactly. There were seven people assigned to work on it each year, and I had been hired because the seventh person had stopped showing up. There was a heirarchy, which I eventually figured out because it was posted on the wall, with the rankings as chess pieces. My job was to draw anything they needed for the magazine. I don't think any of us were getting paid, or else it just wasn't important. It seemed to be a volunteer position. The office was pretty cool. The bunkbeds were brightly colored like they were for kids, and there was art everywhere, hanging on walls and piled on the desks, which were arranged near each other so we could socialize while working. It was all very laid back and I didn't do much of anything other than chat with people and make up a new story. The story was about an angel and one of my characters that usually represents me falling in love with him. I don't really remember it now, except that I had wings too. I was telling the people in the office about it while we sat next to the giant wall of windows on one side that looked out on this huge and awesome oak tree. And after that, the second in command guy wanted me to draw something to show what I could do. All I had was this gigantic black marker and he wanted me to draw a machine that would convert moon rocks into gold coins, so I did. It wasn't too bad even though I kept messing up, lol.

I woke up really nauseated. It was after ten before I braved breakfast, which turned out okay because I needed to take my dog to the vet to get a health certificate for our flight and his appointment was at lunchtime. I took Nuvigil again after breakfast. The nausea went away but now my stomach is unhappy. I'm also still feeling really spaced out. I'm a little bit suspicious because it could be brain fog, which is a symptom of a gluten reaction, but I can't be sure yet. Luckily everything is pretty much arranged for our flight, so the ability to think isn't too important for a few days. So basically I'm still on the fence on this one. I need to see what happens tomorrow. If there is a tiny amount of gluten I'll start to react more and more if I keep taking it, so I'll know about it pretty soon. If not I'll have to see if the spaciness goes away, and decide about the headaches. We'll see.

Fort Hotel Dog Drama

Last night I was freaking out about travel and dog drama to my girlfriend, so how my dreams turned out really didn't surprise me.

I was on a trip with my two college roommates (one of them being the girlfriend I'm always gushing over) and our hotel was basically a bunch of forts made out of sheets and clothespins over chairs and tables in this giant mall food court, complete with escalators, food (gluteny poisonous food) and random shopping. It was seriously random. I had woken up late and we were supposed to go on some tour of somewhere, and I was rushing trying to get ready, but I was so exhausted I could hardly move and I couldn't find any clothes besides my pajamas. I asked my non-girlfriend roommate if she had seen my stuff anywhere, but she hadn't, and she was busy sewing a quilt so she couldn't help me. My girlfriend had run off somewhere and I had no idea when she would get back, and I was kind of worried she wouldn't get back in time for us to leave.

Then I was at this really frilly, fancy house in the guest room, and the person I was apparently staying with had two little white yorkies. They were quite well behaved even though they had a lot of energy, and I was trying to get my dog to relax around them. Of course he was completely traumatized and scared and he kept hiding behind the frilly white curtains or under the poofy pink bed. I ended up telling the yorkies to calm down and just sit next to him, and eventually he showed signs of getting over it.

Suddenly I was at this stadium, and the three dogs were on leash. I was trying to get us through all these crowds of people headed for their seats, and I was with this really big extended family with a ton of kids, so we had to move slowly. My dog was done freaking out, and now I was trying to get him to stop yanking the leash around while also keeping the yorkies in check, and trying to hold a conversation with various family members in Spanish. As we walked, we passed a bunch of small but deep pools of very clear water just randomly in holes in the sidewalk. My dog jumped in and started swimming, and I was all excited because he was having a really good time. Eventually we got near our seats and I asked the family to hold the dogs for me while I ran into the bathroom, because I knew I would need to go before whatever we were going to watch started. There was a lot of confusion around the dogs because I didn't remember that much Spanish and we were still sorting it out when I woke up.

Moving Halfway Across the Country Again

Alright, so I've totally been neglecting this blog lately. The main reason is that my life is once again rearranging itself. Definitely in a good way. My girlfriend got home fine, but we both started pining pretty badly the second she had to leave, which led to planning a trip for me to visit her, which then turned into me taking my dog and moving up north for the winter until she finishes getting certified and can move down here. Yes, me moving up north. For the winter. XD

I spent three years of college up in Minnesota, and being a native Texan it made a pretty big impression on me. At first it was pretty frightening, as winter came in November (instead of maybe pretending to show up in January) and the temperature dropped from "chilly" (65) to "freezing" (45), then bypassed "#$%@ing cold" (20) and kept right on dropping until it was hitting those pesky negative numbers that my poor Texan self had never even heard of before. Every one of those three winters had me wondering, around April when you'd think some hint of spring would have shown itself already and instead the ice and snow was barely even thinking of starting to melt, what the hell am I doing here??

It was hard. Having grown up with school canceled if the temperature hit freezing (like once every five years lol), walking to class buried in layer upon layer of clothing and still feeling like my face was going to fall off in the negative degree windchill was not fun. After awhile I did get used to some things: I learned to appreciate snow and layering, and I loved walking outside to see a world worthy of Christmas postcards every day. I started to refer to 50 degrees as "nice", especially in the spring, and there was something amazing in the total silence and stillness in a frozen landscape. That said, a winter in the Midwest still daunts me. I'll be somewhere slightly warmer (in theory) than where I was. I also have the accumulated knowledge of my three years behind me, if I turn out to have retained it, that is. But it's going to be worth it to be with my girlfriend.

It should work out well, because it means we can start our exchange of life skills that will make both of our lives better: she cooks, and I keep her life organized and clean. That sounds like an awesome deal to me, because I'll do anything to not have to cook (which she really enjoys, the crazy person), and she could really use some help with organization, the one thing I'm really good at besides drawing. She constantly loses things, the poor girl. Anyway, I'm pretty psyched. And it'll mean not having to drive anymore, thank god, because she'll do the driving when we need to go somewhere. That by itself is worth moving halfway across the country.

Fancy World Traveller

For most of this week my dreams have been so mixed up and nonsensical that I haven't been able to make enough sense out of them to record them. But last night was back to clear and interesting.

It started out in Japan where I was visiting my host mom and we decided to go shopping. We went to this store that had a variety of things. There was a lot of jewelry and clothing but also lots of kid's toys. At one point I was looking at these rainbow-colored puzzle pieces that you had to try and make a cube out of, only I couldn't get them to fit together and it was really difficult- they would change shape as I picked them up. I looked around at the earrings and the dinosaur toys and then at the clothes a little bit, and was excited about the fact that the blouses were small enough to actually fit me (I have trouble finding clothes that fit me here in the States because of how small I am, and in real life Japan it really was easier). I wasn't sure if there was a dressing room though, so I settled on a couple of dinosaurs and a necklace or something.

After that it turned out I needed to get dressed up for something. Now I was in a mall, but my closet was in this room off to the side where I could change. I had some really crazy clothes and was having trouble putting together anything that matched. I was getting pretty frustrated because I would put on one thing and it would turn into something completely different as I put it on, so that I would end up not matching again. I somehow didn't catch onto this for awhile though and just kept at it. Finally someone came in to help me (whoever I was with; maybe my mom?) and she had found someone to do my hair and make up. And after that I totally looked like a movie star, which I thought was pretty weird and not me but I figured it was just for this big event I was going to.

I actually don't remember what happened next, just that after awhile I ended up in an icy field with my parents, crossing it carefully because there were those concrete blocks they put at the end of parking spaces lying everywhere, only instead of concrete they were made of ice. It turned out to be a memorial of a war with the blocks symbolizing something. After awhile it turned out we had crossed over the sea into China and were right on the edge of Shanghai.

It was pretty cool because it looked like a Chinese watercolor painting of a rural landscape. My parents explained that they had wanted to show me Shanghai because they really liked going there on their trip over the summer (which is true). We went down a hill into an alley that looked like it belonged in Europe with medieval stone buildings really close together. It was after dark and I was kind of scared, but my mom started talking to the locals in Chinese (which she really is learning, though she was way more advanced in the dream) and sorted out where we should go. I was a little worried because I suddenly realized I didn't have any of my medication with me, and I didn't know where I would find something that I could eat. At the same time I was glad to be there though, because I felt that if it had been up to me I would have been too cautious about these things to visit China in the first place. And I was really glad to be there and learn something.

So Much For Resting

Of course, last week I was looking forward to my week off so I could get some much-needed rest. It was a long quarter and a lot more difficult than it really should have been. As soon as my time off started, however, I got about eight different project ideas and decided that the last thing I wanted to do was rest. I should have seen it coming; you'd think by now I would have figured out that being frustrated by how tired I am is going to happen, break or no break.

Even though the frustration is there, it is nice to know that I do have time to recover after overextending myself working on things. It's also been nice to not get in my car. The drawback is that when you're enjoying not driving a lot, and then you have to, it kind of sucks ten times more than usual.

My dad's car has been in the shop all week with major issues and there has therefore been a lot of car drama. Take Friday, for example, when all three of us needed a car for work or class. My dad ended up taking his beautiful restored '61 Impala to work (hoping it would make it all the way there, as it's been a long time since it did more than drive around the neighborhood) after no one could carpool. Then my parents were going to go pick it up over the weekend but it wasn't ready. My mom left on her weekly business travels, which left me as the only person to help dad pick up his car today.

I was dreading it all weekend. All the car dealerships are always out of town way west of our house, in parts of the city that I don't know. The highway is really the only way to get there and back if you don't want to spend forever and we all know by now how much I hate highways.

My dad came home and found out the car wouldn't be ready until this evening, basically during rush hour. And I started getting even more nervous as dark and thundery clouds started to gather- of course, off in the direction we would be going.

I think my dad could tell I was getting anxious, because he offered to avoid highways on the way home and didn't make me drive on the way there. I was really grateful for that. We got there through a bunch of rain and traffic and then I had to follow him home as it was getting dark. Because we were avoiding the highway it took almost 45 minutes. It was hard. We spent a lot of time on a road with lots of sharp curves that I mostly didn't appreciate (at least it was scenic). I stayed alert for most of the drive out of pure fear, but then the exhaustion started to creep up on me and I had to blast air conditioning uncomfortably and turn the music up too loud in order to keep myself from zoning out and drifting off. I was so happy to get home safely after that.

I've decided that avoiding driving too much might not be the best plan either, because then when I have to I'm more afraid. So tomorrow I think I'll go get an icee after lunch and maybe look for some earrings. Another week and I'll be allowed to start changing them out, yay.

Japanese Restaurant Party

Last night I was once again on a trip to Japan. This time I wasn't in Tokyo for most of it; I was in some other city that I'd never heard of, with a group of college students from various Western countries. There was a group of British students and at least one German, and I didn't really know most of them. We kept going to this one restaurant that had really good Japanese food of all different kinds (rather than being specialized like most places in real Japan). It was frustrating for me because it was hard to figure out if I could eat anything there, and on the repeat visits I kept forgetting what had worked and what hadn't the last time. The other students were loud and some of them were drunk, and I couldn't communicate very well with the server to ask questions about ingrediants. I kept forgetting important words. I kept trying really weird food of various kinds, sometimes reacting and but mostly not, which surprised me. I had a strange slug-like thing that tasted kind of like squid, some eggroll-like things with jam in them, and also a fairly normal-looking potato and cheese soup, haha. And the whole time I was trying really hard not to let my frustration ruin the evening. I was determined to stop worrying so much and just enjoy myself. And I did end up having some nice conversations with some of the other students, who eventually turned into random locals who were really nice. And despite all the food drama I was just really glad to be in Japan again. I think there was more to the dream- a host family, and maybe some confusing train stations, but I don't remember details.

You don't UNDERSTAND ME!!11one!!1!

Lately I've had to cut back a lot. I'm taking three classes instead of my usual four, which was already less than most students' five, because I dropped my online class before it even began since I could tell I didn't have the energy to do well in it. I've been putting my dog on the treadmill instead of walking him twice a day because that got to the point where it was killing me. I've stopped leaving the house except for classes- I've been avoiding driving as much as possible because I'm just too tired. I've been letting my parents do errands for me a lot more than I was, and I'm having trouble mustering the energy to cook anything even vaguely complicated. I've also been very careful about socializing, limiting my already very unexciting social life to avoid wearing myself out too much to keep up in my classes. But I think the most frustrating thing about it is how the people in my life are reacting to the changes.

Mostly it's the people who keep wanting to see me that are doing it. And I appreciate it to a certain extent because it means that they really like me and care about me. But having to give that same excuse of "I'm too tired right now" is getting really old, and I'm sick of finding new ways to brush them off as they try to convince me to do it anyway.

It is definitely something I expected from one of my close friends from high school, as she's quite healthy and has never understood what it's like to be so exhausted that you can't just go do stuff anyway. We've had an understanding for a long time that she's just not ever going to get me. After all this time she has learned to be nice about it at least, and I managed to convince her that I feel way too crappy to do more than have dinner with her tomorrow. She wanted to go see a movie and then have dinner, not getting (until I explained) that even though I'm sitting down the whole time, movies are loud and I have to focus on them so they actually tire me out a lot.

It's also something I expected from my cousin, who keeps trying to get me to drive out to her house to visit. I would love to, but it's far away and involves highway driving, plus she has this habit of asking me at the last minute. Visiting with her is also tiring because we tend to talk a lot, she has two young kids and she always wants us to go somewhere and do something. All of that together is too much right now, to the point where I'm not sure I'd be able to safely drive home. And sleeping over would mean figuring out multiple meals and planning ahead a lot. Luckily for me she occasionally comes in my direction, so I get to see her, and she's very nice about it when I refuse her invitations.

This level of not really getting it was not something I expected from my mom, who knows all about the whole chronic illness thing as she has at least ten autoimmune diseases herself. But unlike me, my mom has a tendency to push her way through it all despite the consequences, doing as much as possible every day and just feeling completely awful all the time. I decided a couple of years ago, when I dropped a major in my last year of college and cut back on my courseload because my body simply couldn't handle it, that I'm not going to do that to myself. And since then we've had distinctly different strategies of survival- mine to take it slow, and hers to shove through and do it all anyway. So maybe I should have expected this after all.

Well, technically it started with my aunt. My mom and her two sisters are going to fly out to my cousin's baby shower, and two other cousins will be there also. So of course one of my aunts decided it would be really cool if I came on the trip too. Which, to be fair, is true- it would be awesome and I'd love to see these people. At first I was thinking it might be worth doing, and my mom started encouraging me by suggesting all these ways we could make it work- we'd get a hotel with a kitchen in the room, we could cook in there, she and I could stay back and rest part of the time, we could look up gluten-free restaurants, etc etc. But when I really thought about it I began to realize that this just didn't make sense. I would end up having to fly pots and pans and a toaster over there, it's in the middle of a quarter which means I would becoming back totally drained and have to get right back into classes, I would be entrusting my already fragile state to restaurants I've never tried before that could be dubious, I would have to drive my dog down to my grandparents' beforehand and then go pick him up as soon as I got back, then deal with behavior issues because the rules aren't as strict over there, plus the simple fact that I'm not even sure I would get much out of the trip because I'm so damn tired. It took me several tries to convince my mom that I really shouldn't go, which frustrated me because she of all people should realize that yes, I have serious limitations here. If I do anything outside of my careful regulated routine I end up feeling worse, and I prefer to be cautious. I used to push myself way farther than I could handle every day and it sucked.

To be fair, taking the occasional chance and just doing something anyway is rewarding sometimes. Like my trip to Minnesota to visit a college roommate. But that just about flattened me and I was feeling it for weeks, even though towards the end of that visit I was more careful. And that was during a break.

The other thing that frustrates me a bit is how when I try to talk to my mom about my concerns about my future career, she acts like I shouldn't be worrying about that because she thinks I'll be feeling better by then. The thing is, I'm really not sure where she's getting this idea. We've found the top dose of Xyrem that I can handle, and the right antidepressant to improve my mood and make the side effects go away. This is a vast improvement on how I've felt any time in the last ten years. And it really is a great achievement. It's taken over three years of adjustment to get here, and it was worth all the hassle. However, this is it. This is how I'm going to feel for the next good long while, you know? Barring some sudden breakthrough that cures Narcolepsy, where I'm at now is where I'll be. But my mom seems to have some kind of nebulous, imaginary future in her head in which I'm feeling way better and can actually hold down a job. Which I'm really not sure is totally in keeping with reality, to be honest. And the subject has a tendency to get suddenly changed when I'm trying to clarify the situation. But you know, if it was my daughter I'm not sure I would want to consider it either. So it's not like I blame her or anything. But it is hard when the only one who might get it, doesn't.

Car Drama

Last night I had moved back to Minnesota to live near my college again. I feel like it had something to do with getting a job. I had found a new apartment to live in and I had my (real-life) car with me. I was living with a couple of people who I didn't know very well and I was a little worried about some things. For one, our bathroom wasn't working at all- the plumbing was all screwed up. So me and my new housemates had to go to this other apartment that was across town if we wanted to shower or use the bathroom. That apartment had a lot of people- seriously, like ten of them- living in it already, so it was really hard to move around and get into the bathroom in the first place. Another hassle was that I kept having issues driving back and forth. Mostly I was just having trouble judging distances between my car and others, which is a problem I have sometimes in real life. At one point I was trying to back out around this car that had pulled into the apartment's small driveway behind me, and I kept almost bumping into it even when I thought I had room. And then I kept getting detoured around construction sites and getting lost and running into traffic. It was very frustrating and I kept having to figure out where to park places.

It's not surprising that I would dream about driving issues since it's something I worry about every day. I've hated driving since the first day of driver's ed, and for good reason. For one thing, as I mentioned before, my depth perception is off- I rarely get a really 3D sense of what's where in the world around me. This makes driving pretty frightening because I can't tell exactly how much space is between my car and anything else. That said, I'm pretty good at guessing because I've had so much practice, but in the early learning days it was terrifying. It also made parking hard to master.

It doesn't help that I live in a traffic and comstruction-ridden city that's filled with crazy, cell phone-talking drivers who cut you off and almost hit you at every possible opportunity. I've had days where I've almost gotten hit three times in the space of three blocks. The construction goes on year-round and major roads can be closed for multiple years at a time. It's awful and dangerous even for the drivers who aren't constantly fighting the urge to sleep.

Driving is also one of the most exhausting activities for me. I'm afraid of getting in an accident, and the fear makes me concentrate much harder on driving than I do on, say, walking my dog, because I know that I can be zoned out while walking my dog and not die. But concentrating hard enough to be able to respond to sudden events when you're going 35 miles per hour is very difficult and tiring. My brain is constantly trying to pull me into sleep mode, or at least zoned out mode, and it takes so much effort to stay focused on my surroundings instead. Because it wears me out so fast I can't do it for very long, especially on the highway where I have to be doubly alert. And it really isn't fun being afraid of losing focus when the stakes are so high.

Ironically, because I'm forced to be careful and concentrate so hard I'm probably one of the safest drivers out there. I've been driving for about seven years now and have never had an accident, not even a minor bump. I never talk on my phone or text while driving because I know that I couldn't get away with it, unlike most people. I'm actually glad that I'm forced to be so cautious because it keeps me safe. And as much as I hate driving, it's too convenient to risk losing the privilege.

More Swimming

Last night I went on a trip to Canada with the same roommate from the last entry and a couple of other people our age who we didn't really know- I guess it was an organized group thing. The flight was pretty long, but we were only there for a weekend or so. We were staying at this house where I could make my own food (definitely a requirement in real life travel for me) next to a lake. I remember swimming a lot, and that I was trying to film stuff but waves kept crashing over my head. Apparently the camera was waterproof, as I wasn't worried about that, but it did interrupt my attempts to interview people, lol. The scenery was beautiful, with snowcapped mountains surrounding the inexplicably warm lake. I was sad to leave, but also glad, because I was running out of food. I was hungry on the flight home because I didn't have enough crackers left- also something I stress out about during travel.

Today has been interesting. On the one hand, I'm definitely still sick- my sinuses are still gunky, my throat is sore and I'm still tired. But on the other, I think my latest increase in Xyrem has finally started to settle in. I was very awake- way more than before, and I have this vague sense of actually existing in my surroundings. The latter is a difficult thing to explain, and if you haven't experienced it for yourself you may not understand what I'm talking about.

Usually I have a sense of my surroundings- hazier than most peoples' perception, and occasionally less accurate. Then I have a sense of me, or rather my mental self, which seems to be floating in my surroundings and doesn't have a location that I can physically pin down. Then, apart from that, I have a sense of my physical body which is similarly disconnected from my sense of me and my sense of my surroundings and that I also can't exactly tell where it is. All three senses have a vague location, and I mostly use my conscious brain to make it more accurate- like I know consciously that I'm sitting in one corner of my bedroom right now, so it's not like I don't know exactly where I'm located, it's just that it's a thought. I don't actually feel it. My shoulder hurts, and I know vaguely where my shoulder is, but not exactly without looking and then I'm still sometimes a little off- like if I reach up to touch my shoulder while I'm looking at it, when my eyes estimate I'm going to feel my hand isn't always when I do actually. Like my eyes can think I'm touching something when I'm not, and my hands can feel something but it's hard to see if I'm touching it yet. I'm not sure if that makes much sense, but then again it is pretty bizarre, so maybe that's okay.

So occasionally when I raise my dose of Xyrem, for the first few days that it settles out I can actually physically feel grounded in my surroundings. It's very weird to me because I'm so used to not having that sensation, and the first time it ever happened in my waking life it really freaked me out. It's so much easier to do everything, like to avoid tripping on things all the time, or to be able to drive without being nervous because you do know exactly where your car is in the environment. I got that feeling this morning when I was sitting on the front porch watching my dog while we both enjoyed being outside. It's such a strong feeling of hereness after years of feeling disconnected that it's rather striking.

I wish it wasn't the case, but it never lasts more than a couple of days, if even that long. Every time I raise my dose I go back downhill a little after the initial settling out. Life still ends up an improvement from the dose before, but still not the best I can feel.

Interestingly, in my dreams I do have the sense of hereness that I don't in real life. I think that's part of why I enjoy the good ones so much, and part of why all of my dreams seemed so much more real than my waking life pre-medication.

On a mostly unrelated note, I think my dreams lately are trying to tell me to go swimming. Hmmm. Maybe I should.

Jet-setting

Last night I took a roadtrip. I had a big map of North America that showed all the highways and everything but really really small, so you had to look very carefully to use it and it was easy to get a little confused. I had some people with me who kept changing- I think they started out college friends and turned into various relatives later on. I needed to go driving through Mexico to pick someone up, and then I was going to drive around the US for awhile, visiting California, Minnesota and Georgia. Well, I actually know people who live in those states, so it kind of makes sense. Anyway, I kept getting lost a lot, but didn't really care because I was enjoying myself. We saw all sorts of interesting things, including a train that someone had turned into their house and decorated with mosaic tile in pretty blues and blue-greens. I think I need to draw that one if I can manage to. I know there were other interesting, pretty images but I don't remember them now.

I have a feeling this dream came out of missing travel. It's difficult for me to go on trips because of food, scheduled napping and Xyrem fixing my amount of sleep every night. But for a long time that didn't stop me.

When it was time to pick a college I chose one as far from my home city as possible. I wanted an adventure. I wanted a different climate and to live someplace beautiful for once in my life. So I ended up going to Carleton in Northfield, Minnesota. Seriously it's like the exact opposite of where I grew up- small town, cold climate, beautiful place. It wasn't my first adventure. Before that I had spent two weeks in London and two weeks in Rome, several trips to Colorado and Florida as a kid, a week in San Diego and a lot of places in my home state of Texas. All of that was with my parents and occasionally grandparents. My first trip without relatives was three weeks on a program in Cambridge, England with a high school friend. Looking back, I'm not sure how I managed to go all these places, especially the Cambridge trip- I was really sick. A lot of this was between onset of symptoms and diagnoses.

Carleton was very hard on me. It's a really challenging college for one thing, and when you add to all that coursework my two illnesses and all the crap they gave me at the time I really don't know how I managed to accomplish it. In my freshman year I was diagnosed with Celiac disease, and it took me most of my first two years to get the diet down and eventually figure out there was something much worse wrong with me. I finally came clean about my nightmares and hallucinations at the end of my sophomore year. You can imagine how much that freaked out my parents. So of course I ended up getting shunted around through various doctors all summer, ending up with my sleep study and finding out I have Narcolepsy. I went on Xyrem, which started to help immediately. And then, in September, I left for a ten month trip to Tokyo. Yep, I told you I was crazy.

It was during that trip that I had a lot of really important revelations. Sometimes you need to just go live on the other side of the globe for awhile to sort through everything. And I realized I needed to slow the heck down. I was trying to do too much and it was very hard on my body. I was so used to pretending to not be sick that I was stressing myself out. My last year at Carleton was basically me trying to get my life back in control. I dropped a major, much to my parents' initial anger and frustration (yes, I was trying to double major! At a really hard college, on top of everything else- what??). I took less classes and just focused on graduating. And it took so much effort to get up every day. And I ended up having to come clean about the state of my health to my professors in order to get the naps in and miss class occasionally, and I had hardly any social life because I didn't have the energy, but I still managed to graduate.

Believe it or not that was a year ago last month. Since then I've mostly stayed home. I'm still catching up on the energy. Only after a year do I feel like I really have the energy to do everything in my now much lighter schedule. I don't regret anything- I'm lucky to have travelled so much. Especially to have lived in Tokyo. I miss it so much. But I don't know when, if ever, I'll have the energy to return there. Just flying there made me sick for a week- both ways. My friends are still travelling places and inviting me along, but these days I've decided I've had my adventure for now. What's more important for me right now is to take care of myself and figure out the best possible way to do so. I'm getting there, with the addition of Remeron, more careful GF dieting and naps. Who knows, maybe when I do have the best way to care for myself and my dog figured out I can go off somewhere more interesting again. In the meantime, I'll just dream about it.