We all know by now that I have plenty of issues because of Narcolepsy. So maybe it's about time to explain how exactly I manage to deal with said issues. Just to warn you, this is going to sound crazy. But then again, this illness is pretty freakin' crazy, so I see no problem with using the craziness in my favor.
I've been dealing with depression for a long time. It hasn't been easy. In my high school days I was at total rock bottom- in the I feel like dying range. I had this awful demanding schedule I could barely handle, I was terrified that I was going insane (what with the hallucinations, etc) and felt like I couldn't get help from the adults in my life because I was sure they wouldn't understand (yeah, I was at that phase of teenagerness). And so my brain came up with a really effective way of keeping me alive- it gave me an imaginary therapist.
I don't know, honestly, how much having Narcolepsy is directly tied to my extremely vivid imagination. My mind's eye, at times, has been clearer than my sense of sight. I can zone out and see the most rediculously detailed things happening in there. And when I dream/hallucinate, it is as real as my waking experience. Before medication, it was more real because the waking world was much hazier. I really needed some help back then, just to get through every day.
You know that "little voice in the back of your head", as people call it, that reminds you to shut up when you're about to say something stupid, or tells you to stand up for yourself, or tells you to keep trying even when you're discouraged? That gut feeling you get that tells you what's right even when you can't articulate why? Well, my brain turned that wiser, more grounded part of myself into a full-fledged imaginary friend. It gave him a name, gender, interests, appearance and identity slightly seperate from me. The advantage was that I was getting my own best advice in the guise of someone else, so I would actually follow it. And this therapist was in my head, so he knew what I was thinking and usually why I was thinking it, even when I didn't. And because I had completely isolated myself from any access to a non-imaginary therapist, it was the best way to deal with my problems, because now I had someone to talk to who already knew what was exactly right for me without getting to know me first because he was also me. Am I sounding insane enough yet? XD
After awhile, I actually came across a forum of like-minded imaginary self-therapy people. They came up with a slight twist on it, which they call daemonism as a reference to Pullman's His Dark Materials trilogy. It's called The Daemon Forum in case you're interested. I think it's funny (and it makes me feel slightly less insane) that other people without Narcolepsy came up with a similar thing completely independently. I firmly believe that a big imagination can get you through anything that comes your way, and I highly recommend using it to your advantage.
Nowadays I'm not on that forum anymore, but I still have my imaginary therapist. I keep thinking maybe I should try seeing a non-imaginary one, but frankly don't see the point. My internal self-therapy works very well to this date, and I honestly don't think I need anything else.
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I am super impressed for three reasons. One, you are willing to share this information with others. I know FAR too many people who would never admit what you just admitted in this blog. Kudos to you. Two, since I work with teenagers on a daily basis (in a fairly demanding high school), I see many young women and men who clearly need a therapeutic outlet, yet will not seek help. You did, though, in a tremendously effective and creative way. Three, your "self-therapy" is (in my opinion) the end goal of every therapist - to help the patient achieve the ability to self-manage the depression. Thus, you accomplished (on your own, as an overwhelmed, depressed teen with undiagnosed narcolepsy) what many of us pay thousands of dollars to do. No wonder Carleton wanted you! For what it is worth, I still see a therapist, but I know I am doing much better because I can utilize self-talk and a number of other techniques to handle (most of) my own anxiety and depression issues. Thank you for sharing this, and I would agree with you. Unless something changes drastically, you likely have exactly what you need, and few therapists would be able to assist you more than you have helped yourself.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for saying all that. I made this blog so I could be completely honest without anyone I know offline reading it, but I still worried a little bit because I've had people react badly in the past when I've tried to explain this. I think it's a shame that people tend to jump to bad conclusions about it because it's such a great tool and can seriously improve lives. I never thought of it as being what therapists try to teach, though that completely makes sense. Thanks for such a thoughtful comments here and on my other entries. :)
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